For Helene.


Ashes on the water, now.
Love's bones like dust downstream.  
At least it got to see itself in our eyes,
Feel itself between hand holding hand

And whispered caresses.
From pillow talk to fists raised at
Concerts, glasses of Portuguese wine
On her balcony to the sound of magpies

We named our neighbours.
We were beautiful.
Began beautifully.
Ended gracefully.

I open hands that held hers and see
Nothing but skin worn by labour,
And air.
Ashes on the water, now.

Embers without a chance against rivers  
Cold with melted mountain snow and
Unyielding differences.
Some loves drown with lungs too full

To cry; others float like a funeral-pyre-
Longboat into the night, ablaze.
King and queen, hand upon hand.
Crowns tied from fresh flowers,

We were beautiful.
Began beautifully.
Slid apart the way a glacier parts from
The hills; slowly, but with the force

Of its thousands of tons.
Ashes on the water,
Where the ghost of our union rests
Underneath the surface of our memories.

I will remember you.
Until the stars burn out, raining the
Dust of themselves like snow upon
These waters that always are moving.

People**
No matter how much you try to show them
Would only see the things they prefer to see

Was that little six year old girl walking home from her bus stop ready to tell her mother about her first day of school asking for it?

Was the teenage girl asking for it by walking to the restroom?

What about a mother? Was she asking for it by making a trip to the grocery store?

You walk around with your head hanging low,
blocking out all emotion,
you avoid eye contact and fight getting attached,
and live by simply going through motions.

You push people away who try to help,
and refuse to talk about your mind,
you've shut down all that you've so far felt,
and close your eyes to those who are kind.

You see, you've held yourself together so long,
you're afraid you'd fall apart,
if you lost focus for just a couple of seconds
and let people into your heart.

You've built yourself an icy shell,
your walls so strong and high,
they keep your tears from seeping out,
you couldn't break them down if you tried.

But, sweetheart, you really have to know
that you would be alright,
if you let your guard down for the people you love,
and didn't put up a fight.

I'm not sure what you went through
that scared you off from the world,
you seem to only notice the bad you knew,
and kept your fingers curled.

But really, darling, you have to remember,
life isn't always there to hurt you;
that the beauty of living overpowers the worst,
and that you'll always somehow pull through.

There has to be balance of the good and the bad
or the Earth would be thrown off its axis,
everything happens for a reason, be glad,
as in the end, the reason wouldn’t go amiss.

Yes, it will take time to fully recover,
but remember, one step at a time;
because after everything that you've gone through,
what's important is to start the climb.

Exhale negativity, one breath after another,
remember that you'll always win,
so as long as you open up your heart
and begin to let them in.

coffee tastes better in Spain

a simple hello is groundbreaking

comfort can be a warm bed or a “like” of a picture

the cold is different in the UK (you can feel it in your bones)

they will always give you a knife and fork to eat a hamburger

sometimes you need to eat at a Hard Rock in Lisbon to be reminded of home

if you eat the bread, they will charge you 1€

crying alone in a hotel room or at a Chinese restaurant in Italy is perfectly normal

never doubt the power of distance

now you can never say you didn’t try

just because you don’t speak the same language, doesn’t mean “*******” isn’t universal

sometimes sleeping next to someone who peeled your outermost layer off is the most intimate you need to be

“I’ll never see these people ever again”

have pride

ask me now what it is that I want

I have come to loathe all brown bags and black suitcases

vulnerability does not necessarily equal intimacy

remember that you pulled yourself out of the sea

your feet tread castles and cathedrals where thousands walked

art galleries are best enjoyed alone

now you understand when mom and dad don’t answer how agonizing it is

write it down if you want to forget it

acknowledge buried truths

eat paella and shnitzel and pizza and fish and chips and don’t think

go to movies at the tallest cinema

slip a little on the cobblestones

lay for hours on the beach

then

go home
be humble
remember
reminisce
teach
embrace

Glasgow – 1/8/15

I am the queen of what ifs
Sitting on a throne of could've beens

My fears are my loyal subjects
Escorting my dreams to the gallows

My ambitions are now prisoners
To my court of procrastination

I, the queen
Reign over all of this regret

I'm a murderer
I've stabbed my own heart.
I'm a thief
I've stolen my own happiness.
I'm a liar
I've told myself how much better things would be.
I'm a slothful woman
I fell asleep.
I'm greedy
I've eaten my own pain.
I'm hungry
Just not for sin again.