She's in the kitchen
(close the door)
just mixin' up some metaphor;
a true conundrum
through and through
and through to me and thus to you.

Her humble hunger
(forest's slumber)
thunders 'neath a wilting tune;
tuned to too many
to count without
a thought within.

She must profess
(but shall confess)
to any who will listen;
closely she holds
a tragic history
mostly mystery to most.

She solves my soul
(I deny that hole)
which she still fills;
overflowing always
with such unrelenting joy
that is My Love.

You think I romanticise suicide?
That I can find glory in death?

You're wrong.

I don't hope for romance, there is no romance in laying six feet deep.

Being defeated by your own mind holds no glory, there is no pride in suicide.

You say...
Get over it.
You can fight this.
It's only in your mind.

And you're right.

It's only im my mind so stop telling me how I feel.

So shut up.

I know it's weak.
Selfish... but it is my choice.
I know you think it's a choice to be happy.
If it was did you really think I would choose this?

sadness
pain
depression

Suicide

Trying to write a goodbye.
Wondering about the music for my funeral.

Suicide

I'm always scared but fighting.
I am weak but never giving up.
Never giving in.

I don't think this is fun.
This is suicide your talking about.
No romance.

Empty of joy and glory.
Suicide.
A way out.

Your first real love. The love who made life make sense. The love who sat next to you in silence just to be with you. The love who kissed your knuckles and your forehead. The love who carried you to bed when you fell asleep during your favorite movie. The love who was good until they weren't.

You shouldn't miss your first real love. After all, it ended so poorly. Either they cheated on you, or the two of you went your separate ways. Maybe one chose a career over you. Maybe they had no good reason to end things, but did anyway.

Yet, you're reading this; and you may still miss them. The late night phone calls. The good morning kisses. When they showed up with your favorite drink just because. You miss their laugh and the way their nose crinkled when they did. You miss the touch of their skin. You miss your first real love.

And it's hard. They might be on the opposite side of the world or a mile away. They might live in the same town or a few states away. You may see them daily on your way to class or to the copier. You may see them every few months and wish that you hadn't. You may only see them while you're cyberstalking them. But it's difficult, nonetheless.

Maybe it's even more difficult because they're so close. You wonder what it would be like to show up unannounced. Would they let you in? Would they tell you they were sorry? Would they say they missed you too? Would they hold you like they used to? Would they let you fall asleep on the couch? Would they be there when you woke? Or would they shut the door in your face?

Or because they're so far away... you feel like it really is over. You wonder how they live now. Are they still seeing their new lover? Are they sleeping around? Is that job working out for them? Is their life moving on smoothly without you?

So many questions. You over-think and over-analyze until you're turning in circles. You want answers to questions you may never get answers to. Maybe that fact makes you miss your first real love even more.

I'm gonna tell you that it's okay to miss them. It's okay to sleep with their shirt "one last time". It's okay to cry over them to that stupid early 2000's song on your way home from work. It's okay to see their car and wonder if it's them.

You'll have your good days. You'll even have your good weeks. You'll realize that many nights have passed without wishing they were sleeping beside you. You'll find yourself learning how to live life without them once more. Getting coffee for one - not two - will be second nature... and that's not a bad thing.

And when you believe that you've taken two steps forward and three steps back, you'll still pull through. One minuscule thing will remind you of them, and you may have a rough rest of your day, but you will make it.

After all, they were your first real love. It would be a shame for part of you to not miss them. They meant something to you. And you know what? You meant something to them.

You may end up missing your first real love for the rest of your life. You may go to your grave with their name on your lips... but I don't truly believe that.

You will grow. You will move past them. Life will run its course. One day, you'll learn to let them go. You'll learn to forgive them. You'll even learn to forgive yourself.

You'll miss them. And that's okay. It's okay to read this and continue to miss them. Just know that they're the one that should be missing you. After all, you were most likely their first real love.

What happened to us?
I thought you are different.
But I guess, you're not.

I'm spending my last hour as a fifteen year old,
with a cold metal flask in my hand,
and a burning sensation in my throat.
never did I ever picture my life like this;
I pictured myself surrounded by friends at my sweet sixteen,
I pictured myself in a relationship with the most popular guy in school,
I pictured myself happy.
but here I am,
dealing with more **** than most people will have to go through their entire life.
it's like I'm continuously getting smacked in the face,
blindsided by a new problem every week.
first it was my parents divorce.
then it was our financial situation.
next I lost the love of my life,
my sunshine, my happiness,
my best ******* friend.
and the worst part is that I don't know why.
it's like she just decided she didn't want me in her life and I didn't get a say in it.
but today came as a real shock.
coming home to a hysterical brother,
surrounded by razors saying,
"I can't do it. I just can't do it anymore."
it's like at once everything in my life just decided to crumble apart and with everything that's going on, all I can think is,
"I can't do it. I just can't do it anymore."
so happy ******* birthday to me.
maybe this year I'll finally catch a break,
but at the rate things are going right now,
I don't see that happening anytime soon.

septemeber 2014 i told my dad i didnt want to be alive anymore
in our kitchen, we sat on the floor, he held me and through his tears he told me he never wants to lose me
i think about this all the time
october 2014 my 2 year old brother saw my cuts and scars
he brings me bandaids all the time
novemeber 2014 my mom walked in on my 6th suicide attempt
we stayed up all night driving around, talking about how much i wanted to end my life
she asks me every day how i'm feeling now
december 2014 my step dad found sleeping pills i had been purchasing and saving for 6 weeks
he didnt cry when his only son was born but he couldnt even breathe when he found my pills and confronted me about it
janurary 2015 my step mom drove my to the er when she found my almost dead in the shower
she didnt sleep for 3 days while she and my mom stayed at the hospital with me
feburary 2015 my mom found my journal of suicide notes
there was over 100 notes
march 2015 my grandparents began noticing how bad i was getting
my grandmother stayed at our house during march break with me
april 2015 i saw my favourite band who has helped me through a lot of tough times
i got their lyrics on my body forever to remind me that i'm not my illness
may 2015 my bestfriend and i made a promise to each other to remain self harm free
we promised to help eachother get through our illnesses
june 2015 she was in the hospital for trying to **** herself
i knew i had to stay strong for the both of us
july 2015 i started to work on myself
i started to notice the beauty in things again
i forgot how much i loved the rain
how much i loved flowers
how much i cared about nature and the planet
i forgot how much i loved life
august 2015 i started to plan for the future
i started thinking about 10 years down the road
september 2015 i'm not where i want to be yet, but im so proud of how far i've come
im proud of myself