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today it occurred to me
that i really don't know you at all

i do not know your favorite books
or what kind of music you listen to
on long car rides to the seaside,

and i wonder about
all the places you'd like to visit
and your favorite constellations
in the starry december skies

but i do know that you have emerald eyes
and you mumble hushed words to yourself
and you look wonderful in red
(and you wear it quite frequently)

there are still countless things
i'd like to discover,
and you are an unfinished jigsaw puzzle
(like myself)
and i keep pondering on the idea
that i am the missing piece
i fear heights,
spiders,
public speaking,
and being lost

i fear hospitals,
darkness,
long term commitments,
and feeling alone

i am so afraid
of miniscule things
and i must admit,
the monsters under my bed
have escaped
and made their way
into my head,

but what i fear most
is that one day,
you'll be staring
at a girl with glimmering eyes
looking at her with
admiration
pretty thoughts
and love in your eyes

and all your fears
have escaped
because you will have found
the center of your universe
and i fear
that i'll just be
another expired star
in your sky of
useless memories
maybe it's because my eyes were never bright
or because i blushed more than i spoke
maybe it was because i was a little hopeless
and lived only inside my head
(where it was warm and safe)
maybe it was because i was boring
only finding refuge in writing
and inside the pages of familiar books
maybe it's because i never had
the answers you were looking for,
and maybe
i wasn't what you were looking for
you don't love me anymore
i can see it in your
lifeless eyes
and our hollow conversations

you don't love me anymore
i can tell, by the way
we talk in fading blue
and how our words don't echo
and sparks refuse to fly

you don't love me anymore
because the loved don't cry
and the love don't whisper
(why?)
you don't love me anymore
because the love
has seeped out of you,
and into her heart,

but not mine
he was not a boy-
he was a song
but no one knew the words
and no one could sing along
(except for her)
he was not a boy,
he was the way
the ocean kissed
her sandy toes,
and he was what kept her warm
on cold winter nights,
even when a flannel quilt
and a cup of her favorite tea
could not

she was not a girl
she was a story-
filled with metaphors
and meanings no one understood
(except for him)
she was not a girl,
she was the way
the breath of winter
painted windows in december,
and she was what kept him warm
on cold winter nights,
even when the monotone hum
of a sad, old radiator
could not
right before i fall asleep
i crave a hand to hold
and phone calls ending in
"i love you more"

what a beautiful thought
waking up to a
"good morning, beautiful"
or daisies on my doorstep

he creates sunsets on my cheeks
and ignites a fire in my chest
with thoughts of what could be

i crave cheesy puns
and overused jokes
and being best friends
with the boy who captivates me

but i am undeniably afraid
to let him in, because
one day-
my doorstep will be bare,
with pale cheeks
and bitter stares
and i fear tearstained cheeks
and 4 AMs awake
with thoughts of what
had been
it was sometime in april
when i discovered that your eyes
held galaxies and worlds
within a treacherous sea of green;
and that was when i knew
i was hopelessly lost
in the irises of your eyes
and you were lost
in mine

but now it's a frigid december day
and my heart still quivers
when i hear the sound of your name,
it's cold days like these
when i ponder upon the truth
i'm still lost in your eyes
but it's so pointless
and so lonely,
so tragic
because you've found your way out
and you're no longer lost in mine
you've got a smile
that melts my heart
faster than chocolate
left beneath the august sun

i love the way
your smile makes me smile
like it's been pasted on
with glue and permanence

you give me feelings
that i'm not quite sure of-
like gasoline spills on concrete,
all these colorful thoughts
that swirl together in my head
like spinning tops

i am so glad you smile,
but i just wish i was
the reason why
I had always existed in shattered glass pieces stitched together with crimson lips, dangerous thoughts, and wondering how someone could ever dare to love something so empty, so flawed. I saw absolutely nothing in myself but the skeleton of a girl who poured out every meaningful emotion that dwelled inside of her into a boy with captivating eyes that she hopelessly plummeted into. He morphed into the blood that threatened to flow through my veins and he was absolutely everything, every molecule that lurked within me, everything in the universe that I adored. He showed me the whole wide world through his own eyes, and he taught me how to love strawberry milkshakes and the glorious sound of rain dancing against the roof. He filed in the empty pieces of me that had been lost so long ago, and sculpted me into someone identical to himself. But an abundance of summer days and sleepless nights only created a temporary bliss in me, and soon the rain and the emptiness numbed me once more. He left faster than a passing rainstorm in July, and on a Saturday night after mascara had stained the sleeves of my favorite sweater, and after the broken glass inside of me had stung and carved into my skin, I threw away every lonely tube of crimson lipstick, shut the window, and forgot how to gaze through other people’s eyes.
there are remnants of you
everywhere i go
and a minute does not pass
without pestering thoughts
of what we were

you are the songs we both loved
and how my eyes still tear up
when i hear them on the radio
and you are the reason why
i choose to sit in silence now

you are the unfinished love note
that burns holes in my pockets,
the one i have patiently waited
five months to send
but you are also the reason why
i cannot bring myself to finish it
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