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pluto Sep 2016
I thought I knew what I wanted when I came here. I think that’s how most people think anyway. They have this idea in their minds of who they want to be and it’s exciting and hopeful. I’ve always had trouble with my identity. I was a rambunctious little girl to an angst full teen to a raging selfish ***** to an emotional wreck to a human and then to a planet. And that’s where we stand right now.

I’ve had such the identity crisis that I honestly believe that I gave up being a human being and settled on being a planet. Far, cold, distant, and lonely. Pretty accurate. But coming here I wanted to try to be a human again. I missed it, honestly. I wanted to feel something more than just ice in my core and a fabricated warmth on the outside. So, I tried again. I tried to be human again. And I let whatever that means in – people, life, hurt, pain, happiness etc. And for a while it worked. There was, of course, a lot of feeling. And when I say that I mean crying. Like so ******* much. But I still let things in that I haven’t let in for a very, very, VERY, long time. I let life give me back my ******* insane emotions, I let them in, I let her in, and him in. I let him in.

But I realized that what I thought I wanted is not what I really want. It’s not what I need. It’s ******* nothing. I tried, I really ******* tried, to become normal again. To be HUMAN again. And it wasn’t worth it. In the end it just made me feel like I was being used, like there is this lie everyone knows but no one speaks of. IT’S LIKE EVERYONE IS IN ON IT. And I thought I could ignore it, I thought I could push it to the back of my mind and hope that God loves me and everything would be okay.

I thought I could do it.

But I let them in… not only that I let them touch me. I thought I could let people touch me again but all I feel is violated. All I feel is constant ******* pain and regret. And when I ignore that pain it just gets worse. And when I tell someone about my pain they don’t get it. Because they are human. Because they are ******* human and they don’t care about me they care about themselves. They care about their life and emotions and constant ******* pain. And they ignore it SO ******* WELL.


I’m tired again. And I know now that I can’t be human anymore.

I am forever just a cold and a distant planet with a heart too big for humanity.
pluto Apr 2016
the first time you said I love you was on Valentines day.
On the way back to my house, on a winding street lined with pine trees
You said it as a joke, and that's why I laughed

the second time you said I love you was when we were on your living room floor
vinyls upon vinyls with the wrapping all around us
this time I just ignored it and gave a tight smile

the third time you said I love you it was attached to a quick goodbye on the phone
I hung up before I could react and dropped to the floor right after

because how the **** could you ever love me and not know about the planet of skeletons I have in my closest?
you never seen my bad days or my worst days
you don't know the way I light up and the way I fade away
you don't know the voices in my head or the numbers on my arm dialing a phone home
hell, you don't even know what that means

you can't love me because you don't even know that I'm a planet
you can't love me because you don't know that I gave up being a human a long time ago
and you can never love me because you'll never understand why
pluto Nov 2015
3:04 AM
hey are you up

3:04 AM
i need to see you... or talk to you

3:05 AM
or at least know you're there

3:07 AM
you're probably sleeping...or with someone else who matters

3:07 AM
I know we haven't talked in a long time but I really need you right now

3:08 AM
remember when I told you about my really bad days and how I think the world is about to crumble any second and the sun will never rise again and all the planes flying over my house are going to crash right into it and how every car on the road seems like its about to slam right into mine and how i'm terrified of everyone and everything?

3:09 AM
yea thats what happening right now

3:09 AM
look i need you to ******* pay attention to me right now you ******* owe me

3:09 AM
I'm sorry i didnt mean that i just really ******* need you

3:09 AM

3:09 AM
are you there

3:10 AM
do you care
  Sep 2015 pluto
sad, pretty little planet
so far from anyone else
they aren't sure what to call you
or what to think of you
but there you are shivering in the cold
made mostly of heart
pluto Sep 2015
Come to me

with those light eyes illuminating in the darkness
filled with lust, hope, dust ... maybe even love

Walk slowly

with each step
making small vibrations in the house I wish to call my home
I want to hear every creak and every whine it makes
I want to hear it breathe

Don't rush
Take your time

I want to see your chest rise and fall-- quickening with each step you take towards me
I want you to bite your bottom lip, or run your tongue over it
I want to see your eyes look me over.

You don't look at me like you only want me in your bed--
but with you, completely.
like you want to see me in your next life (and the one after that)
like I was the Garden of Eden and you were Adam
like I just became your favorite song or movie
like I was a dream-- the one you'll never forget

Hold your hand out now

let me see the blood pulse through your veins
let the anticipation build up

Be steady as you come closer
I can smell you now,
hints of your cologne from this morning
and a rush of your soap from the shower just now

I hear you say my name from your lips
barely a whisper
barely even heard-- but my skin ****** nevertheless

I'm yearning for you
Come to me
Come to me and never go back to where you were before
Come to me
Come to me

*come to me
pluto Aug 2015
I used to think of my parents as divorced.

Legally, they were not. They lived in the same house, had the same last names, and on every legal document it stated that they were married.

Though it did not feel like that.

They lived in the same house, but they did not share the same bed. They had the same last names, but their morals were so different they seemed like strangers. They were technically married, but it felt as if they have been divorced for years.

As a child this brooding question had been lingering in my mind that has yet to be answered.

Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Or why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?

I asked my mother why she did not leave my father yet, and she said it was because of my siblings and I. Though, the way she said it seemed as if it was an excuse for something bigger. Every time I would push her to answer my question, she would scold me for being too curious and repeat the same saying , “Curiosity killed the cat,”.
But I was not a cat. I was a confused child who has been through too many years of her parents fighting for no reason or too many reasons.

I grew older, my parents were still together, and the question still never left my mind. Before I knew it, relationships were sprouting all around me. All my friends changed their relationship statues to Taken, my sister started talking about boys more often, and every question out of everyone’s mouth was who was single and who was on the market. It sounded as if everyone became merchants waiting eagerly until a new, rare, product was in stock.

Of course, people fell out of relationships, and I realized it was the same way of falling out of love. It’s just as easy as falling in it, and thats what people are afraid of. I started asking around my question again.

Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?

And the answer remained in the format of excuses. It was always because of someone else leaving first, or the usual “thats just how things are,”response. It was so frustrating.

Out of bitter frustration, I decided to figure it out myself. I allowed myself to become very close with once a mutual friend. We shared secrets and told each other embarrassing stories we never told anyone before. We went out of our way just to see each other and even called each other Soul Mates. I found myself forgetting that this was all an experiment, and started to believe that we were, in fact, Soul Mates. We started to talk about getting into the same colleges, and moving in with each other while in college and after. We started planning road trips that would take two months and even introduced ourselves to each others parents.

Then that person left. Just as easily as they came.

It took me by sudden surprise, and I became immobilized for a while due to shock. I realized that it hurt, giving all of yourself to someone and letting them walk away with all you gave them as if you’re just a nostalgic memory, or a forgotten trinket. My question surfaced again, with much more rage and hurt this time.

Why do people stay when they are supposed to leave?
Why do people leave when they are supposed to stay?
Why do people leave?
Why do people always leave?

In my final conclusion of my hypothesis, I have realized that people leave because they were not supposed to stay in the first place. Everyone and Everything is temporary. I do not think the point of life is to find your soul mate. I do not think its to find someone to spend your whole life with. I think its to try and change every persons life you encounter with. It does not have to be nuclear, it could be really subtle. But change it in some way, for the better hopefully.

I think my parents are staying together for the better. I hope so, at least.
pluto Aug 2015
I live through the last lines in books. Thats where you could find me if you wanted to. Thats where I reside.

I don't mind the dust. In fact, I've grown to befriend the lonely particles as well as the dog-eared pages I used to despise.

But, still- If you want, you could find me. Only at the last line of books.
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