i am supposed to be okay.
i told them all i knew what to do if i started feeling this way again.
i really thought i did

i thought i could prevent this
but it is all coming back
i was supposed to be the miraculous  recovery
the story of hope

but i have slipped back into my old patterns
faster than i could realize it
it seems too late now

another round in the match against the darkness
that fills my insides
the darkness that slithers and creeps
its way through my once bright mind
putting out any source of light and
draining all colors

i have fought this before
and seemed to have won
but it never takes long
for it to regain strength and start
strangling me from the inside
once again

a familiar feeling of emptiness fills my body
each time those cold dark fingers
wrap around my soul
it grows stronger with each
grotesque thought it sends
into my now darkened mind

the color and light that once inhabited this cavern
are starved of the positivity they need to burgeon
and so they lie weakened
dwindling and starving on the damp ground
becoming more frail with each wave
of pain and despair

faster and faster this climate becomes too harsh for them
and they are gone
vanished alongside hopefulness and optimism

i try to recall what it felt like
when the color and light still remained
but the thought seems distant and foreign

i cannot wrap my mind around the way i used to think and feel
filled with naivety and hope
i squashed negative thoughts
with thoughts of love
and positivity
but now the roles are reversed

every day i search for that sliver of love and happiness
which i know is behind one of these doors
in the darkened hallways of my mind
one day i shall find it

i know this search will not conclude soon
and i will not find what i am looking for
as quickly as i want to

but when i do

and i know i will

i will nourish it
like my own child
it will grow stronger and stronger
with each step i take towards the light

it will nurse on my laughter
and feed on my joy

one day i will find this light
and care for it like one of my own

i just cannot bear the wait
the search
the feeling in its place

but for now
i will keep on looking
because i refuse to let
the darkness win

and now that cold, heavy blanket i've been trapped under for so long,
gets a little bit lighter, and i can finally feel the sun

it hasn't always been this light, mind you
i just haven't always been this strong

apocalypse
one is happening
before our eyes
one we caused
disguised by lies

money
what they make
from the week
they become hooked
to the relief they seek

zombies
are what is left
nothing to regret
souls left waning
while the industries are gaining

i tell myself
i will tell you when you ask
when you finally notice
the frowns, the sighs,
the circles under my eyes

i tell myself
i will tell you when you ask
if everything is alright
when you ask for the reason
i have been sleeping less at night

i tell myself i'm ready
i tell myself you will understand
but every time you ask
and the truth could come out
i tell you there's nothing to worry about

sorry is an understatement
for the pain i put you through
i understand why you dont want to hear it

i built you up and tore you down
like it was some sort of game
like if it put you in pain
it wasnt me to blame

i held you and promised
through thick and thin
but i couldnt help when
the doubt kicked in

it couldve been better,
i couldve done more,
didnt need to hurt her,
i think until i cant think anymore

i want to
make it up
but theres
no other way

i hope it at least helps
if i say
i hate myself for what i did
every single day