"Be good,"
is something that people sometimes say
when they are saying good-bye.

I'm trying to be good.
Since missing you comes in waves,
I've secured a lifeboat
So I don't get swept away.
Instead of drowning in self-pity, I'm going to be good.

You didn't offer a good-bye.
You didn't offer any kind of sentiment such as "be good."
I might not be good yet, but I'm okay.

When worries creep into my mind,
I am trying to explore them like territories
Plot them on a map and create logical lines.

I am trying to not let them come to life:
Giving them teeth, giving them intuition,
Endlessly gnawing at my insides.

We lower our masks over our faces,
Put on our armor,
and get into our places.

You start with a playful jab
But it ****** more than you know.
I raise my weapon in defense,
You take a couple of steps back.
I think the match is done
Until you come swinging
Because you need to know that you've won.

If only you could take your mask off
when we're not sparring;
Maybe then we wouldn't need to fight.

In 2019,
I want more.

Want more sunrises
More rolling out of bed with a purpose

More afternoons curled in a love seat

I want a garden
inside me and in my backyard

More friends
More nuzzles from dogs

More oceans

More allowance to make mistakes
After all, you were brave enough to try.

More stillness
More belly laughs
More love letters

More sway in my hips
Cool breeze on my lips

More looking in the mirror to see my smile
not the width of my thighs

More finding shapes in the clouds

More moments that leave me breathless

More life
All the painfully messy beautifully chaotic morsels
dripping from my chin

In 2019,
I want more.

A monster has crept up on me,
Claws are at my neck.
Part of me wants to fight,
Part of me wants to succumb.
These claws rip and tear at me with a question--
"What more could you have done?"

Is there a better tradition than Halloween?
When I was a child, cloaked in the velvety darkness,
The night felt like it was crackling with electricity, possibility.
Swapping candy, riding the trailer, being out late on a school night;
I realized from a young age nothing emboldens you like friends and the nighttime.

When I was a freshman in college, I saw Rocky Horror for the first time.
"Creature of the Night" rings in my ears as I
Put on makeup,
Take a swig of *****,
Place on the final touches of my costume.

Halloween becomes a blurred vision of masks, laughter, and kisses.
Locking eyes across a room,
I am more alluring as
Daisy Buchanan
Holly Golightly
A fairy
Mary Poppins
Alice in Wonderland.
They're all cute, animated, familiar, warm.

Each day after Halloween is a sickly feeling,
nausea from overindulgence
I will always be emboldened by the night.

Today I say "I Do."
Today, I commit to loving someone
that I could only dream of.
Today, I realize that I will have to work,
Work to love her like she deserves.
She deserves forgiveness, kindness, patience.

Today I will create a love that is impenetrable--
No one will be able to erode the strength,
self-confidence,
and resilience.