are what i feel when my hands tremble as i pick up the phone
my heart pounds so hard i hear it in my ears as i decide what to do
i pray that you dont answer that i can leave you a message
i dont want to hear your voice i dont i dont i dont
i dont because i know that if i do
ill begin to shake
not shake how i do when im cold or angry but instead
ill shake how i do when im terrified
because the thought of seeing you hearing you merely being around you
it makes me shake so violently
like an iv filled with pure anxiety was stuck into me
yet i talk to you i laugh with you and im around you
not all that often rarely actually
but even still i feel ***** after being near you
and not everyone will see it but the hands.
my hands
will begin to shake.

everything is gray
i know how that sounds. played out and pretentious
some might even say edgy or something along those lines
and you wouldnt be wrong at least not entirely
to me gray means BLAND
gray means DEPRESSING and SOLEMN
gray means ME

NOTHING TRULY MATTERS
WE ASSIGN VALUE TO SO MUCH OF THE LITTLE THINGS AROUND US
I LISTEN TO MUSIC BUT IT GOES IN AND OUT
"what do you do when everything sounds the same ?"
"i feel like ****"
"maybe this new album will help"
"i think ive broken this laptop from pressing refresh so many times"

Refresh you
Refresh everything
Refresh it in stages slowly but surely
Refresh it

HOW CAN I REFRESH MYSELF
HOW CAN I CHANGE
HOW CAN I GO BACK
"you cant"
I TELL MYSELF
"youre stuck here theres nowhere to go"
AND THE MORE I THINK THE MORE I REALIZE
I KNOW THATS NOT ENTIRELY TRUE
BUT FOR NOW I SIT AND DWELL HERE
FILLED TO THE ******* BRIM WITH A GRAY MIND-NUMBING INDIFFERENCE

one day everything will be just how i like it.
itll be warm but not too much.
the bed will be soft and so will the duvet and the light
and you'll be right there by my side.
because we know what we have.
our bond our trust will exceed all else.
ill have no words to describe how i feel but one.
an album actually not so much a word.
blonde.
ill feel like summer and new opportunities and lost loves and achingly sweet heartbreaks.
ill be scarily tranquil. a feeling that is greatly unbeknownst to me.
still ill have no words to describe how i feel but my favorite color.
ill feel like the color of sunsets and fire.
ill be a warm yet dusty orange.
so light and airy youd almost think i was a simple pink.
and this is what happiness will feel like

i tell myself im feeling better.
no social media
no outside distractions
just me and my mind.

ive made quite a few changes in these seemingly eternal summer months
ive changed my diet
changed my thinking
my sleep schedule
my hobbies and interests
even my wardrobe.

ive made all these changes
ive gotten out of my head (for the most part)
so if ive made all these changes and if im doing all of these new and better things
why do i still feel so low ?

i feel low not as in sad
no sad is too simple, too cliche, too blase
i feel low as in my heart will start to clench and struggle to beat
my breathing gets shallow
my thoughts are dulled and become sullen and narrow
like im on the verge of a never arriving panic attack

so tell me if im filled with no responsibilities no standards to hold myself to
filled with a sense of freedom and "peace" as many would say
how come if you asked me to today
i still couldnt put my so called peace on a scale of 1 to 10 ?

hey.

i love my friends.

just wanted to say i love my friends.

that's all. bye now.