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ry Aug 2017
'Love is a drug'
it's a bit cliche at this point but its true
not in the sense of addiction or how harmful it can be
but in the sense of its effects
love changes people and it changes each one of us differently
for some, they become suave people with immense charms
for others, they become bumbling awkward masses that are plagued with a mentality and drive that makes them try too hard
it can slow you down
make you hyper aware
fill up every bit of you
from your toes to your hair
Love is a drug
it can make you do or think or say things you never thought you could
it's an oxymoron that turns you into everything you never were
it's every color and sound and feeling; it's everything at once
it's pure, it's evil, it hollows you out as it fills you up and gives the deepest sense of pleasure as it kills you and eats you from the inside out
Love is a beautiful thing, some might say life's greatest creation
maybe this is true, maybe it isn't but be careful
because its beauty makes so shockingly easy to overdose on when you're in it
sometimes love is a science and love songs are the equations
(michigan - brockhampton, bad religion - frank ocean, supermodel - sza)
ry Aug 2017
Certain songs make me think of you
Soft songs mellow songs angry songs all bring some thoughts
I don't particularly know who you are
but when it comes to music you've taken many shapes
songs i like make me think of you
how you've supported and shaped me in the long time we've known each other
and how coherently you understand me even in my low jumbled life
and how we've grown together and always supported each other no matter the distance and lack of contact we may have endured
songs that make me think of you make me feel good
your songs make me feel like i can do anything if i wanted to
your songs make me feel appreciated and loved
but your songs are a different story
your songs make me think of the things ive done
the things ive blocked out and the things i regret
i dont know where i ever truly stood with you
but your songs make me feel like im back there
your songs make me feel angry and suffocated
like i need to break whatever or hurt whoever is there
in order to truly escape​
your songs make me feel smashed and unworthy and hated
but you my dear friend
your songs make me feel different
so different that the only way i can describe it is 'here'
your songs make me feel grounded and solid
like i am filled with cement but in a good way
like i am alive and like i truly exist and that i am unable to simply float away
your songs have grounded me and given me reason and hope
your songs make me feel renewed and strengthen like i can love and care again
your songs make me feel things all different types
it can only make me wonder what my songs make you feel like
i associate songs with people.
ry Jul 2017
Every day I wake up feeling numb
Not numb as in I’m dumb
But numb as in I’m empty
Empty because my brain hasn't caught up with the rest of me
When I feel empty I'm at peace
But after a while the peace is shattered as my brain regains its control of me
It teases me with the first move i make
It tells me things that make my heart and my head ache
But there’s nothing i can do about this because i need it
No i don't need all this oversensitivity
No i don't need these intrusive thoughts
And no i don't need these tears
At least that's what I think
Now these things are all i know they're who i am
Rather than having an identity and a sense of self-worth
I have these
They aren’t weapons or armor that I can use
Instead they’re heavy cases that I must carry every day
because as much as i hate them and as much i wish i didn't have them
I need them because now they're who i am
People think I’m strong people think I’m brave
People think that I'm happy and nothing can bring me down
But they don't understand what it's like to carry these cases to have them drag me down
To have the thing i need to live constantly kick me around

People call themselves crazy or say that normal is “bad”
But when i let them know what i see and how I feel
They always think i'm mad
Not because of the things I say but because of how I feel
I feel like I'm not here i feel like i'm gone
I feel like i leave my body as soon as something goes wrong
But i never speak up i never talk out
Because if I do people will think i'm bad
They’ll think i'm out to get them or they'll think my intentions are bad
But really all i need is someone who understands
What it's like to be dragged and kicked around by the thing under skin and bone and strands of hair
All i really need is someone who will let me share
But i don't get this so I carry on
Bloodied bruised and beaten by thing that tells my heart to beat and my lungs to take in air
the last time i was this bad was nov of last year now im just tryna keep busy....summer rules amirite
ry Apr 2017
i do nothing
i do nothing but sit
i do nothing but ponder
i do absolutely nothing but wonder
is this all there is ? is this all thats left ?

you wouldn't know it but i miss it
i think you do too or at least you know what i mean
i miss it i miss it genuinely with every bit of myself
terrible for me my god it was awful completely awful
destroying myself from the inside out
my immature body aging by 10 years with the things I've done
but i miss it i miss them

once you start something and you know what it does
theres something about it
it doesn't make you want to stop
and it doesn't make you want to quit and drop to your knees
and repent and plead for forgiveness for days on end
no rather it.... it simply adds to the appeal
you know with a capital 'K' that you shouldn't be doing it
yet you glance over your shoulder and continue as simple as that

and you think that someone would say that you shouldn't
that you should put it down stop what you're doing
get it out of you as soon as possible that you should stop
before something truly awful happens
but they don't actually isn't that funny ?
they just watch and watch as you continue to die

so yes i miss it
so yes i miss them
i miss it like i had one yesterday
i miss the way i would be enabled by others
i miss the way it made my insides feel
it made me feel wrong and like i would drop and begin to detach and spill out at any moment
i miss the way it obliterated my anxiety
i miss the way it added to my depression
making me numb and unconscious to the fact
that everything around me was going wrong
it wasn't very good but it was beneficial and my god
how i miss it

— The End —