It’s quite a thing for us to have
A beating, working heart
To inhale, exhale, inhale again
As you fall spectacularly apart

For when you die according to
Any book I’ve read
Your heart goes still, your lungs deflate
To be considered dead

You shouldn’t feel the pulsing blood
Flow warmly through your veins
You shouldn’t walk and talk and think
Or feel such intense pain

There’s something so poetic
In being the walking dead
To be murdered so profoundly
On such an inconsequential bed

As dignity fell to the ground
Like a ***** takes of her clothes
Your body somehow betrays itself
And completely and utterly froze

So while you lay there dying
Your heart remains so strong
Your lungs- they keep on breathing-
It’s as though there’s nothing wrong

When the killing is finally finished
When the deed is finally done
The world slowed and hastened all at once
Into confused, oblivion

For how can you be breathing
When your life has come to an end?
When you’ve been so completely broken
There’s nothing left to even mend

But get up and walk you do
And inhale, exhale you must
Because, unfortunately, your heart must stop
For you to turn to dust


Like a ghost without the benefit
Of being properly dead
You inhale, exhale, all the while
With that memory in your head

Being undead hurts and numbs your
Senses simultaneously  
And your wounds bleed out in places
No one else can feel or see

Wake up, inhale, exhale, sigh
Pretend the same you still exists
But that girl is dead and gone
Even though her ghost persists

Suicide- 1-800-273-8256
Bullying- 1-800-420-1479
Self Harm- 1-800-DONT-CUT
Teen Help- 1-877-332-7333
Domestic Violence- 1-800-799-7233
****/****** Assault- 1-800-656-4673
Lifeline- 1-800-784-8433
Grief Support- 1-650-321-3438
Depression- 1-630-482-9696
Drug/Alcohol- 1-877-235-4525
Eating Disorders- 1-630-577-1330
Homeless/Runaway- 1-800-RUNAWAY
Mental Health- 1-800-442-4673
Sexuality- 1-800-246-7743

I don't know you
But you've known me
I don't know your name
But my body knows your touch
Hell, I don't even know your face
but I see it every night in my dreams

You kiss me,
You grab me
You lean me back to see the ceiling fan,
You instruct me on how to kiss you back

You had nothing to drink that night,
I had too many shots

I had a breakdown,
I needed to get out
I was trapped under you,
I said your girlfriend was my best friend

I said it wasn't right,
You didn't listen when I said no

You locked the door,
You wouldn't let me get my phone
You wouldn't let me see my friend,
You asked me if I loved you

You kept pestering me with questions,
I had to give you the answer you wanted

I cringed when you got close,
I stopped being able to breathe
I screamed through empty lungs,
I cried and cried and cried

I loved someone else,
You didn't care

"Inevitable. It was inevitable," you said.

around
this time
last year
I
was
sexually assaulted
and now America
just voted someone
in
who is saying
that that is
okay.

I smile and wait for the Autumn,
for the long breaths and deep pauses of Summer to fade

I sit on the porch swigging spirits, but the ghosts are within me and not
without

I swallow pills,
one blue, two white
two round, one flat

pills to stop my heart from racing
pills to stop the twitching
pills to **** the memories that lurk, like dark men in alley ways

he was not dark
it was not an alley way

there was no long grass to lick
my body, no rough wall to bruise my back

no, it was not outside at all

laying in a darkened migraine room, wrapped in a filthy sleeping bag

whilst strangers laugh in kitchens, smoking *** and drinking beer

but I still know the weight of a man leaving a bleeding, stinging, ****

and the frantic showering off of evidence

I will be asked if it was slinky and if my lips were scarlet

I will cry into the pillows I wish he'd smothered me with

every Summer, I will sit
and shake with memories

as if the very sun were to rub salt into my wounds

I will count out pills, swallowing them with lukewarm water

and I will wait

wait, wait, wait

for Autumn

When she held me, I felt like an earthquake,
shrapnel cutting quick to the bone.
I’m disaster, an unknown
kind of danger is the most dangerous

When he held me, I felt like a riptide,
all control ran out the door.
With the *** and cappuccinos
I felt out of place in my new home

When she held me, I felt disgusting,
every move my own betrayal.
Yes, she hurt like a gunshot
but I did this to myself

When he held me, I felt strange,
like I should give my whole self.
He never asked, I’m thankful.
I don’t want to ruin everything else

When she held me, I felt like a secret,
like I was something small and wild.
In a room of screaming children,
we were something invincible

He never held me, but that’s alright.
Someone tell him I understand.
Take it slow, like we’re new friends.
I’m alive for once

No one touch me, I don’t want it.
Stop breathing down my neck.
My throat fills with *****,
But the hands never rest

No one touch me, leave me alone.
Stop pressing on my back.
There are thumbprints on my wrist bones
and handprints on my thighs

Don’t touch me when you aren’t here.
So many years have passed.
Is it trauma? I don’t care.
The filthy feeling always lasts

Don’t touch me when you aren’t here.
Nobody ever has to know.
When you’re sitting by your lonesome
Nobody cares, you’re on your own

Nobody cares, you’re on your own