He...
He made me feel alive,
And you...
you make me feel secure.
But I never liked feeling secure -
I thrive on the chaos,
I create it.
The craziness makes me feel sane
and gives me the clarity so lacking when I first created the mess.
Now I go along fixing it;
Solving problems,
Working my *** off
All while smoking myself into oblivion.
Bars every night at midnight,
My bed left untouched most hours of the day -
With the trash over flowing
And clothes strewn all over the room.
He fed my wild spirit,
ours on the road make me feel more at home than any place ever could.
Now I have a home and now I have you -
But something in me is lacking,
I thrive on the chaos,
I was never meant to stay.

No one knows I tried to **** myself the other day.
No one knows I took a sip of my favorite wine
As I began to swallow each pill in the bottle ––
Or that I can't even look at that wine anymore.
No one knows I sat there crying, screaming silently
While my roommate chatted outside my door,
Unaware of what was happening inside.
No one knows about the letter I keep hidden in my bible ––
Or how my heart broke to think of who I'd leave behind
No one knows I had lost my will to fight––
At least not until your name popped up on my phone,
Answering my unspoken cry for help and making me promise to stay.
No one knows I wanted to die, but now instead,
Because of you, I live.

Do you ever feel so cold,
almost burning yourself to get warm
yet never succeeding, never feeling soothed
only to realize it all came from within.

To be unable to sleep without a drink in my system
To be unable to feel love, but seek it
To not know what beholds for me
But crave something

I feel so incredibly alone,
Summer is over and my birthday is tomorrow
I feel so low, all time low
I need something to believe in,
A war to fight for
To serve a purpose other than plating overpriced proteins

I feel stuck, unable to get myself out of this rut

It is 6 in the morning and I haven't slept yet
Im not tired
Falling skies and exposed bricks

Life has proven to be hard for me
I feel it all, everything I've done wrong
But I just cant let love feel

I am so incredibly alone

"I'm just trying to care"
I've never have words cut so deep before,
you used to tell me you loved me,
how I was the best thing that happened to you,
but now all I get is a I'm trying to care?

words like that are why I don't let people in
why I exist on this planet all by myself,
guarded, locked up, silent
because you shouldn't have to try,
not if you actually loved me.

"i love you, but i can't do this right now.
i need a break to think.
we can try again in a bit."

Do you know how stupid that is?
You don't get to pick and choose when to be with me.
You don't get to wait 'til it's easier and less stressful.
Life will always be stressful,
and love is never easy.
I guess I should have expected this,
from a boy who still likes Hollister.