I will not rest until the trees outside my windows do
Their sway
I wonder what makes them so unsteady...
But it isn't really my window
Or my house
Or my bed
Just like how
This night does not belong to me
Kinda like my own head
I give away parts of me
That I refuse to need
Like love
Or dreams
I push ******* to my Lips
Inhale and then exhale
Pretending I have a cigarette balanced between them
I love the taste of cigarettes even though I know they are killing machines
I love you
Fiercely
When I know **** well
You could end me
It's like that song I heard once
Alone
But I felt less lonely after I heard it
For some reason
Ghosts haunt me
You could call obsession
Infidelity
You could call dreams
Unfaithful

You should've called me.

Then you wouldn't have to worry about my stupid lonely
You could know
That only you sit on my brains
'Wish list'
Only you fester in my belly
If you knew
About all the people I have broken to make myself appear a little more whole
Or how much growing up I did in a year
Or that January
Or that June
If only you knew
About my crazy
The kind that only makes sense to some people
But still doesn't make sense to you...
No
I will not rest until the trees do.

When we're in the car
After we had an argument
And I know he's stressed
When he doesn't understand why our sister is on medication
Or why somedays I don't get out of bed
Or why we're back in court
Or why our parents are divorced
Or why my mother cries
Or why sometimes I have to parent him
Take care of him


Sometimes
On quiet nights
I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything
For anyone to tell me anything was okay
That I wasn't going crazy
That sometimes people just hurt
Sometimes I hold my brothers hand
Because when I was young
I would've done anything

For someone to hold mine

I am somewhere
Just left of breath
With winding trees
And knobby knees
And knuckle breaking
Soul punching
Regret
I am somewhere
East of guilt
North of normal
South of sensible
You were just west of everything I ever wanted

But alas I was never good with directions
And my maps are always upside down
Or I'm always in the wrong town
The map reads:


Lonely
Population: Me


I am never exactly where I want to be
Second star to the right and straight on till morning you traced the sky on me

My world was almost broken
When I found out i was nothing but a token rifle in a gun cabinet loaded with your lust for human decency

You never did find any in me

I guess we're even now

Because I've been doing a lot of that lately

Getting even
I just never thought you were competition
But you played these games
And you ran the race and I followed you
Blindly
I believed you were the one person
Who didn't wish me to be less of me

But there you go
Pining after me
After I've already told you
I will not kiss your ****** fists
And I ask you,

I ask you how your girlfriend is.

And the conversation ends.

Because you know what you're doing and I know what you're doing

And when the GPS said road work ahead

Because you are so broken,
And you refuse to stop choking
untrustworthy out of unknowing girls

I took the detour
Because I knew it
And you knew it too


I don't think I can be his friend

Conversation can't be innocent with you

"You're really good at poetry!"

*"ha, I'm good at romanticizing toxic situations"

We all grew into our ears and our teeth
Our opinions and our feet
Our clothes and chubby cheeks
We grew out of our music tastes
And other peoples mouths
Learned what it was like to love and be loved
Learned what hate looks like
What scars on hearts instead of arms looked like
We grew out our colored hair
And washed career dreams like astronaut and superhero
Down the drain
With someone else's sweat
Got used to sleeping in someone else's bed
Burned our memories of them
We grew into our faces
And out of our blind faith
We lead more then we follow
We fall in love with the concept of tomorrow
We learn the ability to bully instead of being bullied
And finally learn to rise above it all
We learned where we come from cannot change
But we can
We learned the city isn't always beautiful
That there are problems and trauma in silence
That sometimes the most peaceful thing you can do is scream until it makes sense to you