I don't know what to
I don't know what to feel
I don't know who will listen
I don't know who will understand
I don't know who I am
I don't know how to explain
I don't know where I should be
All I know is my mind is full of things,
thoughts that almost kills me
regrets that starts to haunt me
Nobody understands me,
nobody listens,
I am so tired listening to others,
why can't they even listen to me?
I am so tired,
I don't know if I can still make it
or should I really give up.
I don't know, wishing that somebody will help me.

let us plan a future, a life beyond here
map our journey, then rearrange
tear up the remaining, and toss it aside
take me everywhere, in no place particular
discover a new corner of the world
find a cranny under a tree
kiss me under painted skies
and stare into my eyes in one of the world's wonders
make the land jealous of your touch
make the branches dance in eagerness of your attention
take me to places hidden away from the eyes of anyone
this world squanders the beauty of its abandoned secrets
let us seek and discover what it has hidden
hidden underground the fresh and damp dirt
hidden behind walls of vegetation
hidden beside rocks in forceful rivers winding through open land
and maybe, find ourselves hidden within the world itself

I'm distressed. Everything's gone grey,
and I'm just soOOoo depressed today.
I can't seem to shake these blues.
My life's a lie that I can't make true.

I want to curl up into a little ball, in the corner of the room.
My days are all filled with gloom and doom.
These rhymes are tired, and so am I.
I'm just waiting around for the day that I die.

My soul is empty.
My heart has holes.
Bliss and Happiness -
Who are they? What're those?

You could ask me who I am,
and "Nothing" is what I'll say.
Just one more sad poet.
Another bad cliche.

Virginity
My virginity was bang, a brain against a glass-tinted window. It was child-locked doors and ax cologne. It was too much muscle and a 13 year old body to weak to tussle.

My virginity was a man who made **** seem like an art, the same systematic way the mortician dissects the cadaver. Striped from a name like i was nothing but a corpse

It was the bruises left for weeks. The ****** teeth marks left upon my once sacred body. It that deep voice with Alcohol on its breath.

Yes. My virginity was a ******* earthquake. It was 7 minutes of the worst kind of hell. 7. Where I stopped believing in heaven. Trust became the law, fear my bible. I watched as my foundations crumble. and I knew that this Earth was no longer safe to walk on. It was the aftershocks running down my spine and me, a vacant building constantly about to tumble

So here I am. 3 years later, standing in his rubble. mistaking a kiss for his fist. It's been panic attacks in grocery stores. It's been 3 years of hating myself more than anyone else possibly could. It's been 3 years of
Self blame
And the shadow of a girl I became
Unworthy is a word that takes up so much space

It was the carrying the scars of my last binge.
The night I convinced myself if it burned going down it must be holy water.
Finally Salvation
drinking so much I couldn't stand.
Drinking so much I could no longer stand myself.

I familiarized myself with the taste of concrete and forgot the smell of old books.
constantly looking for a new hook.
Blowing halos of smoking trying to make death look beautiful.
I found myself in a deep dark hole
Oblivion.. My only goal

Lately, It's been learning my body isn't an apology.  
It's been learning that bravery  cannot be measured my a lack of fear;
some times it takes a ******* soldier to look your demons in the eye and say.
This is my body.
I am the beautiful owner of busy breath.
I'm that  shadow girl with a storm inside
No I am not that bruised soul in the empty bottle.
It's been 3 year of convincing myself that This world, it needs my voice.
It's been learning I am a miraculous dance floor of glittering molecules.

It's been learning that You will never have a greater opportunity to learn to love thy enemy, when your enemy is own holy, holy self.

Emotions are one, that we can hide
Deep inside, there's always a fight
Between 'me' and 'myself'
For the emergence, outside

Emotions are, none other than
The expressions, of psychology
That flows for the whole time span
Continuously transforming, a (wo)man

Emotions are and aren't, good
Depends upon, exclusive you
Positivity, never always stood
Negativity, can be channelized for good


|AB|

In the middle of the night
I am wide awake
Craving you
Wanting your love
Needing your love
I've been counting the days since you've been gone
My mind bubbling over with frantic thoughts
An itching under my skin I can't scratch
Sometimes the world seems to disappear
And I'll see you standing right in front of me
But then just as fast you are gone
Then I find myself in a completely different world again
Lying on the floor unable to pull myself up
Or even remember exactly where I am

                       Just one more touch....

                                                     ­                   Thats all I need...