Lydia

Sep 2018

Renee

I'm sure I look fine.

Days like today,
I want to strip the skin
From my forearms
Using only my fingernails.

Days like today,
I want to wring out
My legs like a washcloth,
Squeeze the rolls on my stomach
Until they're empty.

Days like this,
I want to walk away from my body
forever.

I'm sure I look fine.

#body #image #selfhate #trigger #sad

Lydia Sep 2018

everything

I wish I was simple
easy going and easy to love
I wish I could be sweet when your mad
and know just the right things to say to end a fight
mellow tempered and cool
I never want to fight with you
I am in my own way

I'm the opposite of what I wish
instead of the sweet summer breeze I am the torrential wind during a storm
and I can't just be a drizzle
I'm a downpour
I am all or nothing
I don't know how to be anything else
I've spent years trying to figure out how to be something I am not
I've tried crawling out of my skin
and forming a new face
being me is my biggest downfall

#fight #feelings #me #****** #up #trying #us #faces

Lydia Sep 2018

Untitled

Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?

#feelings #growing #up #life #me #adult #strength

Lydia Sep 2018

Perspective

Now that I think about it,
I always want people to like me
and respect me
and realize how valuable I really am,
but why do I expect other people to see all of that in me,
when I don't even see it in myself?

#feelings #me #real #life #treatment #others #people #selfworth

Lydia Sep 2018

lonely

I don't like being alone
I used to have this false idea that I loved having all the time in the world to myself
that I missed the days of it just being me me me
and then every single time an opportunity arises,
I am only left feeling empty
and anxious
and lonely

I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm standing in the dark,
sometimes other people make me feel more lonely than I ever could have imagined while being on my own

lonliness is a disease only someone you love can cure

Me recently

#lonely #feelings #love #sad #alone #people #me #time

Lydia Sep 2018

burning

Yesterday I came home mad
I had the house to myself
so I went to my room
and packed a bowl
I decided to clean the bathroom
because for me,
cleaning is therapeutic
I took a hit and then scrubbed the sink
I took a hit then cleaned the toilet
I took a hit and then cleaned the mirrors
I took a hit and scrubbed the bathtub
I took a hit and swept the floors
the bathroom I stood in smelled like bleach
and
marijuana
I felt better
burning and bleaching the days gunk away

#**** #feels #cleaning #bowl #smoke #me #feelings #therapy #day

Lydia Sep 2018

skin

I think I'm just bloated but today I feel fat
my period is probably just going to start soon
maybe that's why when I spotted those dreaded stretch marks between my legs while shaving it totally ruined my day
it's a bad combination of insecurities
flaws I pick and pick at until it drives me insane
my thighs are too thick one day
and the next I feel like showing off my legs
my tummy is too round this week so big shirts it is
I know if I don't eat much for a couple of days I'll be happy when my abdomen sinks back in
but then I'll feel bad that I did that just to feel good about myself again

#skin #eating #feelings #stretchmarks #me #hate #body #issues #angry