I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited

there are days where it's like cold rain pours over me
soaking me to the bone
leaving me weighed down and heavy
left to wring out my clothes and my soul with all the energy I have left

when my brain is overcast and I just can't see the sun
you're there to bring the blue back to my eyes and shower me in warmth
leaving me feeling golden
pouring all you can give into me
feeding my roots and helping me bloom,
so that I can be brighter

Anxiety has me smoking more cigarettes this morning than usual
I'm supposed to be inside working but instead I'm sitting out here on cigarette number two watching a train go by
I could count the cars,
the night sky still has stars shining through
not even the sounds of the rails can drown out my heavy heart beat
I'm the only fool to come in early on the Friday before labor day weekend
so I am milking my time and wasting the seconds
sometimes everything feels so pointless here
work, life, the world, trying,
when the train passes by
I'll flick my cigarette and go back inside

Forever is wishful timing,
but I'd spend my life with you
just to find out how long we can make it last
if we are only made up of minutes and seconds like the ticks on a clock,
I'd do anything at all to make those arms turn,
just to keep your hands on me

I didn't ask to be made so sensitive
to have days where words feel like they can bruise me
or looks can cut right through me
I didn't mean to be born with skin as fragile as porcelain
and a heart made of glass
if a small bump can break me,
with one slip I would shatter

If you could just stay around me all of the time
that would be great
carry me when I'm feeling like I can't stand anymore,
hold the weight,
prop me up and shower me in confidence when I can't find any of my own
kiss my bruises
and form me into something beautiful
in your eyes I am always magnificent,
I need more of that in my life

maybe I am guilty of needing you too much
I always said I would never let my soul rely on another,
but
with you it's like breathing,
it's just too easy

Sometimes I can't put down my thoughts the way I wish I could
I feel like my head is blocking my words from escaping
Like it's too hard to express my real feelings anyway
this is normal
I begin to think my life is just so boring and uninteresting that I don't have anything to say
but I have moments where I take a deep breath and let it go slowly and think to myself
"I know I'm just depressed"
and that feeling is hopeless
and I feel helpless
I'll look at my reflection and think to myself
"What am I supposed to do?
Everyday isn't a bad day.
Even if it's not really a good one either."