My fingers itch
My palms sweat
Salivia slithers
And slides down
My throat
My legs twitch
As your hands hover
Over my love handles
Your skin
Caresses carelessly
And I clench my hands
My stomach stays still
Empty from the epitome of
Butterflies that should
Exist there
Instead my brain urges
The idea
Maybe the nagging numbness that never
Negotiates will navigate somewhere else
Maybe I might feel funny, fantastic,
Or furious
Your hands trace circles
On my ******* bringing a trail
Of goose bumps
Yet I feel nothing
The numbness never seems
To end

Anxiety is a monster
Inside my mind
Its claws scrape my skin.
It tongue traces my
Clock and rewinds
Its red eyes glow
When I grin
Makes me wonder
Who I am?
When it’s angry
I aspire to change
My body vibrates
Like a crashing wave.
My nails
Nip and pick
My head spins
My hands are in my hair
Pulling from the stems.
Anxiety you are a beast
You live inside me
Burrowing deep enough that
You are a part of me
You are the roots and I am the tree.

You make me cry
You make me laugh
You make me want
To give you a chance
My insides shake
My palms sweat
My stomach aches
And my mouth rants
I try to collect my thoughts
But I can’t
Because deep inside
You understand
My laughs, smiles, hopes
And dreams
You hold me when
I want to scream
And stay with me
Until I fall asleep
You kiss my cheeks
When tears run down
You laugh with me
When we fool around
I really hope you remember me
Because you were the one
To let my butterflies
Free

My eyes are closed
My snores take up the air
Your hand slides up my
Thigh and your fingers
Run through my hair
My eyes stay shut
And your hands roam
My cries stay silent
As you are in my room
Your hands venture deeper
Than any had gone
My eyes watered and
I tried to yawn
My cry turned to a sob
As I realized I could not
Tell my mom
As I looked in the mirror
That next day
I realized bad things
Seemed to always come my way
My eyes welled with tears
And I pulled out my hair
Screaming but still
Knowing no one
Really cared.

I am a woman
Who once was young
Before my phone wrung
Before my long days begun
I woke up with a smile
That lasted a while
My cheeks would sting
I was not worrying about any ring
The only thing was
Half the time it was only me.

You make me smile
And my heart ache
In your presence
My hands quickly begin
To shake
My skin secretes
A lot of sweat
My heart thuds and starts hammering
Against my chest
I hear the hallowing
Of my lungs as I take my last
Breath
That you borrowed because
You deserved much less
Grasping my chest realizing my
Mistake
I still have enough air to whisper
Your name.

I hear her scream
I hear her tiny footsteps in the
Hallway
Her shallow breathing speeds up
my heart
She is an empty shell of the person I knew
Her soft skin that used to soothe me is abused by her confusion
Her mumbles fill the air and her eyes are an empty abyss
Day after day living with an empty shell
She is nothing but a shell
I spend day after day
Searching for her
My mom
Pill after pill
Doctors’ appointments left and right
Until I eventually found her
With tears in my eyes I found her and realized I never wanted to lose her again