I wonder what it is that I will love the most. Maybe it’s the way you say a certain word, or that one defining feature; your one crooked tooth when the rest are straight, or the fact your eyes cross every time you cough after a draw. Maybe it’s because your mouth tastes like rice milk and your hands smell like lavender, maybe it’s the way you hold me and keep me still when the entire world is spinning. Maybe it’s because you sing all the songs you know keep me calm, or maybe it’s the way your laugh seems to roll around in your mouth and then hit everyone in the room like it’s the bowling ball and we’re the pins. I wonder what you have been through. I wonder what walls you have hit in your life, and which of those you battered through and which you sat and waiting for the bricks to crumble and fall. I wonder what you will think about when we sit in silence, is it about me? Is it about the ocean, or our dinner?
I wonder about a lot of things to do with you, but I do not wonder, nor doubt that I will be uncontrollably and unfaltering-ly in love with you.

18th August

You see me floating over the water, over your home at the lake bed.
Your eyes are closed but I know you can sense me in your slumber.

I’ll be honest with you, as I always am, I always was honest.
I just wanted to know.
I wanted to know why you ***** everything you come across.
Why does everything you touch fuse to you until it begins to rust and rot and fall apart?
Why do the plants you touch wither and die? What poison was scrubbed over your skin at birth that caused you to be the embodiment of misery and death and suffering?

I know you want to love. I can feel the wanting leaking out of you
like sunbeams. I know the warmth in your heart, but I know also
that it is chained and locked inside and your flesh likr frozen metal with poison spikes and anger that hurts like the plague.

I’m leaving in the morning; I’ll be back at night.
I’ll find a way to heal you
and you can give birth to life.

19th July

Saturns hexagon shaped storm stuffed into a human body.
I open my mouth and the black bellowing thunder
batters everyone in my way into the ground,
gailforce winds stealing their breath to make it mine.

Ferocious tidal waves live in my eyes and
leak from me and fill the room
but i'm already drowning.

My lungs are filled with ***** water and I feel it flooding my veins like poison.
I can feel the bolts of lightning glittering behind my eyes,
stunning those who try to look at me - into me.

I am a complete hurricane in a persons form, a never-ending storm,
a destructive monster crushing and
stomping on everything in the way.
A fusillade of iron bullets shoot from my skin.
I need to drag everyone down with me,
make them bleed with me.
Suffer with me.

I am BPD.
I am the demon that possesses your mind,
I am the ghost of all you want to leave behind.
I am the monster that will make you unstable,
The voice in your head making you suicidal.
I am your heart making your emotions intense,
I am your mind, muddled and making no sense.
I am your brain making you neurotic,
With the perfect balance of a handful of psychotic.
I am your self-esteem making you feel worthless,
I will make sure you feel that you have no purpose.
I am your impulsiveness making you act reckless;
Your need to harm yourself is becoming endless.
I am your soul feeling neglected,
You feel it very deeply because you need to be protected.
I am your extreme paranoia,
Making you live in a shell, I’m a merciless destroyer.
I am your fear of rejection, you will outburst at the slightest disaffection.
So, I am BPD and I will ruin your life,
I will cover you in scars made by the blade of a knife.