i was gasping and choking on *****
and i realised that my suicide was
not to be a pleasant one
it was to be difficult and
it was to be excruciating and
it was to be ugly and
every single second was to be a misery
i was to die feeling the same way i felt
during life

i'll spend my night lying awake staring
at the ceiling waiting for him to message me
but he never does, i knew this anyway
i knew he wouldn't
eventually, after hours of crying and turning
and bleeding, i'll tire myself out and my eyes will close
and, due to my luck, he'll message five minutes later
but he wont reply when i reply
he won't talk after that
he'll tell me he loves me sometimes
just to try and stop me crying
but it doesnt stop me crying
lies do not comfort me anymore
lies do not dry my cheeks
but i'll eat them like my last meal
and then he'll disappear
and i'll leave it until he messages again
and i'll cry and i'll bleed and i'll punch myself
and i'll ignore everything good in the world
because he refuses to experience it with me
he doesn't want to experience it with me
because i am not good. i am worthless
and he knows it
and they know it
and i know it
and i'll imagine myself being ice like i was before
but somehow his embers have burned through me and it's too heated for me to
freeze over again
and i'll lay awake at night waiting for him to message me
but he won't
he doesn't
i knew he wouldn't, i didn't expect anything else
and he'll tell me he loves me
and i'll eat his lies like my last meal
desperately trying to find some form of solace
but i don't
they taste sour
i look at him like he is a diamond
and he looks at me like i am a pebble
and i am so filled with anger
so much fire, i'm not used to fire
i want to be cold again so it will stop hurting
but it won't. it's too hot here
i'll lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how i can become good enough
or even just enough
but it won't work
and i'll cry and bleed
i want him out of my veins