i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

It's easy
Why are you so sad?
Cheer up!
Buck up,
It's like you're
not even trying.
Quit moping
Quit thinking
Smile,
It's your
own happiness
You're denying.
Some people
have real problems,
You're just faking.
Positivity
cures
all.
Quit your
bellyaching.

We hear this all the time,
Do you think it really helps?
Those endless
thoughtless platitudes
You spit when
we get sore
Maybe if you understood.
Maybe if you knew.
You'd talk a little less,
and listen a little more.

Pssstt...
Hey you ...
Yes you,
With the hazel eyes
what if i tell you
i'm planning to
capture the moon
in my glass container
and a little bit of night
and a few stars
a trickle of mid night breeze
will you sneak out with me
will you ??

Maybe I loved a little too hard.

A little too much.

A little too annoying.

A little too passive aggressively.

A little too bad.

A little too good.

A little too sudden.

A little too selflessly.

A little too ******.

A little too much depth.

A little too much passion.

A little too much.

Maybe I loved a little too much.

1:26 am
My eyes are burning
Can't sleep
Can't think
But you're still there
Back of my mind
All of the time
1:27 am
Floor to ceiling
I'm down here
You're up there
I can't take the stairs
That would be the hard way out
1:28 am
I could crush the place down  
Take the easy route
1:29 am
But how
Do I know what to say
When you've watered me
To the ground
1:30 am
And how the **** do I stay
Mad
When you're only
Begging me to blossom
1:31 am
I love you
For taking my heart
And planting it in your garden
1:32 am
I love you still
For letting me grow
1:33 am
But my eyes are burning still
Because what do we have to show?