Changes the way I think of you;
It means you go beyond
To another plane
Where the heart of another resides
In its separateness
And enter.
Fearing not the disruption
Or consequence upon you;
Opening your fortifications
The historical bindings
To embrace a colour
Never mixed before
And spreading it
As a blanket on the ground
For us both to sit upon.

Love Mary **

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t just been the backseat of your car,
Intoxicated. My first drunk hook up. My first. Period.
I picture myself being champagne on Valentine’s Day.
I picture myself being you, nervous in the car, holding Starbucks
because you know I love coffee. Sometimes, I picture myself as her,
calling you a stalker and ignoring your calls,
but then I see myself. I call you beautiful,
turn you into poetry, laugh at your bad jokes,
I see myself as I become your drunk Wednesday night
when you’re sad. I see myself as I say no,
I become a “this is not a good idea”
and you a “we’ll deal with the consequences in the morning.”
We laugh because this hurts too much.
You take her out for dinner and I burrow money
for Plan B because you forgot you don’t like condoms
and clearly have no idea how children are made.
I have already named him. He has your curls and
my anxiety. He is smart. Except, I never wanted kids and
you would be a great father. Instead, you tell her
the beach reminds you of her and I cry in a McDonald’s
bathroom with my friend as relief floods through me that
the test comes negative. I stop talking to you,
move forward, meet someone new and before long
see myself becoming you. Because isn’t that the cycle?
Bad men turn good women into bad women who turn
good men into bad men. I’ll set him free so he can hurt
someone like me, and I drink red wine as I read her
poems about him and me.

I spent my whole life on a ledge,
Safe.
Watching people of all different shapes, sizes, colors, and places,
Fall for this thing called "love".
No matter how many times I watched,
It didn't make any kind of sense to me.

It's simple logic,
Statistics,
Physics,
And math.
That if you fall,
Gravity will pull you down,
And you will get hurt.

I was content on that ledge,
With no desire whatsoever,
To follow the masses in the plunge,
Happy,
Until I met you.

You found me there.
Knowing that I was an innocent,
A skeptic,
A challenge,
And you changed my world.

At first we just talked,
Argued,
Laughed,
And talked.
And no matter how hard I tried to get rid of you,
You stayed.

You listened to my hopes, dreams, thoughts, and fears,
You told me yours.
And then one day,
Without any kind of warning,
You jumped,
Right in front of me.

Scared out of my mind,
I ran to the edge and looked down,
But you were fine,
Floating,
Soaring,
Day after day, after day, after day.
And no matter how hard I tried to get you to come back,
You wouldn't.

You teased me,
You coaxed me,
And eventually,
You wore me down.
Because the longer I stayed up there,
The further I was from the only person I wanted to be with,
You.

So I forgot everything I knew,
And I jumped.
At first,
We fell together.
And it was exhilarating,
Powerful,
Magical,
The biggest rush I have ever felt.

But then,
I looked next to me,
And you weren't there anymore.
You stopped.
Without telling me,
Or even teaching me how.

And the rest?
Was pain.
Me watching the ground I was about to crash into move closer,
And closer.
Me looking up,
Searching for you,
Screaming,
Begging for your help,
Reassuring myself that you would save me.
Because after all,
You're the one who told me to jump in the first place.
But I was wrong.

You watched me fall in panic for weeks,
Until I finally smacked into the ground,
And shattered,
Into a million, uneven pieces.
Without any attempt whatsoever to catch me,
Or break my fall.

So here I lay,
Alone and scattered,
In fragments so jagged,
They hurt to touch,
Riddled with the seemingly impossible task of getting myself together,
And back up to where it all began,
The ledge.

I loathe to appear boring
but I am.

Mesmerising reflections
Sordid depths pried
for a sliver of truth.
Geometric shells
Fenestrative awakening
enrapt you non-somnambulant.

Suddenly
I find attraction no longer active.
It must be an affirmation
I’m unsure of what
Perhaps never to know.

We were looking for an admonition.
Trying to find the end of the tape.
Now it’s like,
        all we see is a dim image.

I exist based on what my environment tells me
I became the guardian of a great river.

I see convictionless men
around me,
mere mortals.
We have to purge the glamour.

We dance
around
Slowly moving figures.