Lavish in the moments,
Take each day with gratitude,
As though you’ve been waiting for this,
To tell the sunrise “thank you”.
Don’t let the past control you,
Don’t let your thoughts grow dim,
Look back at the mirror and smile,
For who you are is not who you’ve been.

My thoughts are wiped away
Like crushed bugs by windshield wipers
That never had a chance at a full life
Wiper fluid cleansing the surface
Only to find itself ***** again

There’s a war going on inside of me
My heart and my head on two sides of the same coin
Neither willing to compromise
Sick of selling myself lies
That aren’t even believable anymore

I’m choking on pain
I’ve been ingrained to think that misery
Has a permanent home with me
As though it has hung up its clothes in my closet
Left a toothbrush on the bathroom sink
And a ***** glass on the countertop
I can’t stop thinking that she is my forever companion

They say that misery loves company
But I’m finding that solitude yields warmth
A cocoon of loneliness where I’m buried so deep
That no one else can see it
I just want someone else to see it

Too much pride to ask for help
Too independent to take it
I’m breaking
Hell, maybe I’m already broken
A mirror in sharp pieces
My reflection staring back blankly
As I try to glue myself back together

There’s a war going on inside of me
Choosing the better of two evils is impossible
This misery almost comical
As I try to claw it from my skin
Leaving only scars to remain
Lipstick stains on the glass in the kitchen
Hanging up a shirt to rid the wrinkles
My sweet misery’s toothbrush is still wet
With tears from last night’s battle with death
All reminders that my shadow is always there

The crushed bugs on my windshield a reminder
That death is inevitable
And life only measurable
By the number of breaths that we take
And not how many times the windshield wipers
Try to erase my journey

Take me higher than I’ve ever been
Show me what it’s like to love someone’s body
As much as their being
Prove to me that passion exists
In the places we least expect

I want to feel the syncopation of your heartbeat as it’s pressed against my bare chest
Lost in the rhythm of my moans
I’m needing to feel every inch of your skin on mine
Your hot breath against my neck
Your scattered sighs in my ear
Your teeth grazing my thigh in ecstasy

I want your tongue to tease my *******
Hardening them in between licks
As I beg you not to stop
Drunk on euphoria

My hands exploring the indentation of your hip bones,
Carefully caressing the line of your waistband
Feeling your breath shorten
Anticipating my next move

Create a fire between my thighs
Let it burn you as I yearn for you
Heat sweating off of your body onto mine
Like dew in the early morning
Like a warm summer shower
That you can’t help but dance in

The cadence of our bodies moving as one
Our limbs contorting in positions I didn’t know existed
The curves of my body made to fit yours so perfectly
Ravishing the spiral of your movements
Wishing this could last just a little longer

You say you want to unravel me
Unravel my knots that others have been too afraid to attempt
Like necklace chains discarded for being too tangled
Accept the parts of me that have been neglected
My maze of emotions and ******* up ideas of intimacy
Show me that I don’t need *** to know love

Now, don’t get me wrong
I lay awake and touch myself at night to the very thought of you
******* my body the way that you **** my brain
The highest dose of an aphrodisiac that I have encountered
Deflowering my garden of these unspoken thoughts
And planting a seed of fulfillment inside of me
Nourish it with mental stimulation
Undivided attention
I want you to make me bloom

My sweet nectar filling your mouth
Breathing life into your lungs like
A butterfly hatching from its cocoon
Metamorphosis
Whatever this is I don’t want it to stop

I feel every inch
Of your interest
Examining the parts of me
That I usually keep hidden
Chained in a prison of love
Bound by shackles of exaltation
This invasion is much deeper than just my body

Show me that I’m worthy
Before I beg for mercy
At the sound of your belt
At the stinging of your palm
That your harm is caused
With love, first
And only reinforced through my temple

Enter my dwelling
Thankful
Bow before my lady garden
And watch the seeds that you have planted
Blossom
But remember not to pluck my flowers
For when you do so,
I cease to be what you love
And love is about appreciation, not possession

Sick of settling for flowers
W i l t i n g
Crumbling beneath my fingertips
Before they had the chance to really live
What’s the point?

as I lie here, thoughts circling my brain
like hair in a drain
clogged
nowhere to go
time moves so ******* slow
I swear I can hear clocks ticking
that aren't there
maybe it's just a time bomb in my head
patiently awaiting its moment of explosion
my devotion to keep giving my demons a place to rest their head at night is commendable
maybe once they've had their rest they will let go peacefully
at least that's what I keep telling myself
as I ignore the scars from their claws when I look in the mirror
I wish it were easier to disappear

It’s taken me a long time to realize that my pain has nothing to do with you
You do not deserve my tears, my anger, my sleepless nights
You are not worthy of seeing me cry
My eyes no longer weep for you

My depression doesn’t play fair
It doesn’t pick and choose how I hurt or who hurts me
But rather reminds me that I’m always hurting
Lurking in every dark corner
Waiting for me to be vulnerable to someone new
And that... has nothing to do with you

I used to wonder why I fell for every smile and kind word
As though I’d never received love or affection
But it turns out I’m just an addict
Stripped bare, exposed, defenseless
Absorbing the energy of those around me
You give an inch, I take a mile
Composed of fake smiles and grudges
Longing for someone to see the authenticity
That I crave to give freely
Trapped in the idea that I am not worthy of giving myself
Wholly

And when I gave myself to you unabashedly
It was as though gravity was lifted
And for once in my life, there was clarity
I could see
How carelessly I demoralize myself
Letting the darkness consume my light
I used to shine so brightly

It’s no wonder I stuck to you like glue
You like rays of sunshine forcing themselves through my blinds
Unveiling parts of me hidden in the dark
If I was smart
I would have hung up curtains

You dripping like the sweetest honey I’ve ever tasted
Drinking in your naked body
Infatuated with the way your smooth skin feels against mine
I know better than falling for a boy with a mischievous smile

I saw something in you that made me crave more
I saw myself in you
Now realizing that’s what I’ve been searching for

This pain has nothing to do with you
And everything to do with me
When you left, it was like letting go of a pieces of me
That I had just discovered
Ripped from my clenches far too soon
To harvest it into something beautiful

I will stop letting you take the credit for my heartache
And claim the responsibility as my own
For I know better than to steal someone else’s light
Just to cast my own shadow

Take me higher than I’ve ever been
Show me what it’s like to love someone’s body
As much as their being
Prove to me that passion exists
In the places we least expect

I want to feel the syncopation of your heartbeat as it’s pressed against my bare chest
Lost in the rhythm of my moans
I’m needing to feel every inch of your skin on mine
Your hot breath against my neck
Your scattered sighs in my ear
Your teeth grazing my neck in ecstacy

I want your tongue to tease my *******
Hardening them in between licks
As I beg you not to stop
Drunk on euphoria

My hands exploring the indentation of your hip bones,
Carefully caressing the line of your waistband
Feeling your breath shorten
Anticipating my next move

The cadence of our bodies moving as one
Our limbs contorting in positions I didn’t know existed
The curves of my body made to fit yours so perfectly
Ravishing the spiral of your movements
Wishing this could last just a little longer

You make the world stop
And all I can focus on are the creases in the knee of your khaki pants and
My desperate hands holding one another
A buffer between our skin
Everything else fades away
You and I in this sacred place - you make me feel safe
Wrapped in the cocoon of your smile, armored in the gentleness of your being

I want to write about you until the words spilling off of the page turn into my twitchy fingertips tracing your lips
To get my fix
I can never get my fix of you

You move as though every inch of you has purpose
I’m nervous that you catch me staring
I’m betting all odds against myself

I could spend forever looking into those brown eyes that aren’t quite perfectly round
Reflecting curiosity and intensity
When you ask me to tell you what I’m thinking
You catch me off guard
Inquisitive questions probing deep into my thoughts

You say you want to understand how I think...
I think I want to understand how you make me feel the way you do
You make me feel like I matter
Like my words aren’t just meaningless syllables
You find my mind irresistible
And that makes it difficult for me to express what I really want to say to you
I’m scared

Trying to put my feelings into words is usually easy
I so freely give myself away
Wearing my heart on my sleeve is a terrible habit that I can’t seem to quit
Though I hate to admit it’s true
How can I resist you?

When I write about you, I want it to be perfect
A harmony of angels singing
Beautiful crescendos of passion and heart
I want to make you feel something; to have something resonate inside of you
Like poetry does for me

There are so many things I hate about you
But I still itch to know every flaw and every scar
I want to know who you are so wholly
That I lose myself wandering through your chapters
Every little piece of you matters
Wait
Let me try that again

There are so many things that I love about you
And if I could spend my days dreaming about
The way you hold my face in your hands
I’d dream forever
It’s hard to remember what this felt like before you

I can’t have you the way I want you
So I long from a distance
Hoping my persistence will someday pay off
And this beautiful tragedy
Won’t cause me agony any longer

I want to love you to love me so fiercely
That passion explodes from within me
And I can never stop writing words to you
It seems to be the only way to express my feelings
This is my healing
So thank you

I am fragile
I chase people who don’t want to be chased
I love people who don’t want my love
I hurt for people who don’t know how to hurt for themselves
I make my own cuts deeper because I can’t help but feel everything for everyone

Words used to be my ally, but now they are something to pass the time
To allow my thoughts to wander
How do you conquer what you can’t say out loud?
I used to think that being emotional made me weak
But learning to speak from my heart has proven to be my greatest strength
Always understanding
Always bleeding for those who refuse to admit that they are holding the blade

I will not apologize for my fragility
My delicacy is anything but a curse
I feel, I feel, and I feel
I hurt, I cry, and I’m still
Breathing
I’m teaching myself resilience
For there will be a day when the burdens I carry will overwhelm me
They will try to drown me in sorrow,
Take advantage of my kindness, my softness
But there’s a toughness to this rawness
And I am able to overcome

So yes, I do cry during weddings and over little things
Like flowers blooming or puppies drooling
I get upset when I can’t make someone happy
And I’ll gladly offer myself in the place of someone’s death
I let my heart guide me and even when it hurts
I try to always do the right thing

Do not confuse being fragile with being weak
Two sides of the same coin don’t always spend equally

You make me think that falling in love again isn’t so hard
Unexpected, maybe, but easy
And maybe I’m crazy and needy
But every time I look at you I wonder what a future would look like

Intertwined and tangled, sweating in your sheets
Our bodies meet and it’s impossible to tell
Where one begins and the other ends
I intend to show you what loving me looks like
The good, the bad, and definitely the parts that will make you want to run
But please don’t run anywhere except into my arms
                  I’ll hold you

I’ll hold you until you can no longer make out the lines of the cityscape
From your bedroom window
Until thoughts escape and manifest into poetry through your lips
A kiss that tells me everything I need to know
                  I’ll hold you

And maybe I’m tired of running,
Making excuses for why this could never work
Too stubborn to admit that your persistence drew me in
Let me in
I’m convinced that this could be something beautiful

I will watch myself blossom
Starting from my roots, where I’m grounded
Extracting nutrients from light, laughter, and most importantly - love
Absorbing positive energy and fueling myself with layers of kindness

As my roots expand, I will touch others
I will encourage others to grow with nourishment and patience
So that we may strengthen and stretch above ground together
Letting ourselves cultivate and prosper

I will water myself with courage and humility
My leaves growing with every kind word spoken to another
Flourishing, thriving

And when the time comes to bloom,
I will blossom
Showing the very depths of myself
Unafraid of being vulnerable
Knowing that I am the very definition of invincible

I haven’t been sleeping well
Tossing and turning
Hurting most when I close my eyes
And see your face taunting me
Haunting me like a ghost
Who doesn’t have anywhere else to go
I wish you would go

My mid-morning coffee break only makes me miss you
Wish you were the one coursing through my veins
I hate missing you
And it comes in waves
Some barely caressing the shore line
Others drowning me in sorrow

Tomorrow
Is another day
And I pray that when I wake
My reality isn’t this nightmare I’ve been living
I’ve been so forgiving
But karma is the biggest ***** of all

I miss you every second of every day,
And whether or not I choose to actively entertain it,
This sadness is buried deep beneath my bones.
I feel it from the moment I wake up until the moment I lay my eyes to rest.

A new face won’t erase the scars an old face created
Needing sedation after seeing your fingers on the trigger
You can’t put a bandaid over a bullet wound and expect to heal
I can’t kneel at your feet any longer
Begging for forgiveness that was not mine to ask for to begin with

My self-worth is more than your fake affirmations
Conversations of romance
Only blanketing your true intentions
Deception has never looked so beautiful

I’m checking my messages for any discrepancies
I have a tendency to overthink things
But this wasn’t my fault
And to think that I exalted you
Saw something in you worth praising
I’m debating claiming temporary insanity
Because clearly I was wrong

I’m moving on to someone who values me
Who allows me to think freely
Instead of hindering me
The difference between what I want and need
A fine line you can no longer impede
I was never your property

I’m done letting you play operation on me
Picking at my anatomy
Curiosity got the best of you
The adrenaline rush of a scalpel got the best of you
I will no longer bleed for you
Let you see my deepest wounds
Being vulnerable only leads to trouble
I can’t buckle under pressure any longer
I’m stronger than you thought
Trying to use my weakness against me
Trying to use me against myself
But it didn’t work
I’m stronger than you thought

My timing has never quite been right with anything I’ve done in life
Not knowing the difference between what I want and need
And somehow not getting either one regardless of how hard I try
And it’s so hard to abide by letting my head talk my heart out of feeling
But somehow the universe has a funny way of making me think that my world
That I, am indestructible
But when we’re young aren’t we all indestructible?
It isn’t until the sun sets and I’m alone that I start to wonder
If maybe I’ve been confusing weapons and words
Words as weapons
Disguising themselves as flattery to make yourself look good,
And **** do you look good

I want to drink you like whiskey on the rocks,
Savoring every drop
Of aged perfection in my vast collection
I want to feel the burn in the back of my throat
And hope that my bad decisions can only be blamed
On transition
My lowered inhibitions only bring out my honesty
And honestly I’m consciously losing my sanity
Staring at blank pages
Tired of writing apologies
For things unseen

There is an entire cosmos inside of your eyes,
Beckoning to me as though they are ready for me to explore the depths of you
Without a spacesuit, jumping into a realm of complex serenity
I’m hoping gravity will catch me
Before I fall too hard
Sick of skinning my knees
For men who don’t appreciate me
They don’t deserve me
But you...

You say that you are my silver lining
And while I’m out here climbing, some days barely surviving,
Just the way that you look at me makes me feel a little more at home
In this unfamiliar place of my life
When I’m surrounded by uncertainty
You bring me home
When my naivety gets the best of me, admittedly, mostly physically,
You are a constant, stability, you are the eye of my storm
Eerily still while the world around me is demolished
And I must be honest
Sometimes I wish you were the destruction
Maybe then this corruption wouldn’t have caught me so off guard
Your perfection is unnerving
Silver lining
As though the clouds trying to cover the sun
Are not enough to stop the shine from behind
Enemy lines
You shine

And when this chapter of my life is written
And it’s time for fresh ink on a blank page
I hope that you remain a part of the story
That you helped write in kindness and hope
A kaleidoscope of opportunity leading to immunity
Of letting myself sink
I always use ink because lead can be erased
And you are unerasable
I’m insatiable and it’s debatable
That maybe I’m just lonely
That I just need someone to hold me and tell me I’m okay
But it’s the way you call to say hello and ask about my day
That puts a smile on my face
I know you like that
It’s the little things in life that make me happy
So thank you for letting me be sappy
And emotional when I know I’m a lot to handle sometimes

Maybe someday what I want and need will be the same
And the universe will align to let me have both in the same breath
And then I won’t need a silver lining
Because I will finally be content
But until that day,
Please don’t stop shining.

Tell me why I have to stare at every driver
In every white SUV to see if it’s you
I used to keep count of how many there were
But I stopped at 152
It’s been 152 days since the first time I laid eyes on you
WOW, jaw drops, time stops, did he say his name was Corey?
Argyle socks, blue jacket, oh **** we made eye contact
Butterflies. You gave me butterflies.
And I knew from the second you muttered, “Ms. Yates” under your breath
That I needed to know what it felt like under my skin.
That’s where it all began.

I’ve heard that ‘feeling is healing’
But I’m wondering when the pain is going to cease
And leave something hopeful in its place
I’m not sure how much more I can take
I’m tired
I got tired of running stop lights chasing you
To only be re-routed
I doubted that you even knew I was behind you
Apologies have to be a two-way street

It’s always my fault
You are incapable of taking responsibility
Letting jealousy take reign
Of what little remains between us
I used to count the hours until I got to see you
Down a few beers to ease my nerves
Change my shirt half a dozen times
Thinking you were too good for me
But you see, I was wrong
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To figure out that I’m not the bad guy
I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long
To understand that selfishness and flattery
Often look the same
Too distracted by the butterflies to see
That you ripped them from their cocoon too soon

I won’t miss wishing I was something that I’m not
Making myself believe that I could be who you need
I won’t miss you making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
As though my stretch marks and soft curves were not deserving of your affection
I won’t miss the way you never answered my calls
Leaving me guessing if you’re going to show
Like some sort of twisted game that you always win

I stopped getting butterflies
I stopped looking at the clock when we made plans
I stopped checking my reflection for perfection in the mirror
I stopped enjoying the tequila that you kept pouring when I told you I had enough
I stopped enjoying you when you were no longer a safe place
When I could no longer trust you
When I could no longer believe the words coming out of your mouth

You do not deserve my sympathy
You do not deserve my apologies
You do not deserve the tears that I have cried because of you
The sleepless nights wondering if you love me too
The forgiveness that I have given so freely
You do not deserve me

What doesn’t **** you only makes you stronger so
Thank you for making me a stronger person
For showing your true colors
For proving to me that I deserve so much better
For walking away when I was too selfish to do the right thing
It began with butterflies and it ends with goodbye.

You were the breath of fresh air
That I didn’t know I needed
Until we met
I have been so used to suffocating
That I forgot what it felt like to breathe
Always being deceived
Into thinking that being alive and living
Are the same thing

I inhaled you so deeply
That I was high off of happiness
But the rapidness of my feelings
Brought me back to reality
My reality is only a fallacy
Knowing neither of us are ready to fall
Or give it all
We’d rather gather weeds from the backyard
Than reap the seeds we are too afraid of sowing
Knowing that throwing away love
Is easier than taking the time to make it grow

And we’ve come to an understanding
That it’s better if we don’t let our hearts take control
Our heads are much better at making these decisions
Rather than stitching incisions from where past wounds lie
Disguising our scars as victories
Left as mysteries to discover
Going down on one another
Only interested in learning the anatomy
That we give so absently
Not bothering to hide our selfishness

This lust is a consuming fire
And I’m burning
Yearning for more of you with every taste of your skin
I used to think that you were good for me
That your affection wasn’t merely a distraction
It’s only when I’m left with the ashes
Do I see how destructive this obsession is
I have to stop letting your moments of kindness be my moments of weakness

You have some sort of power over me
And I can’t stand it
I hate looking in the mirror seeing that I have become your puppet
Treating me like a culprit when you’re the one pulling the strings
You’re picking me apart at the seams
And you don’t even notice me unraveling
I’m seeking validation on every occasion
That I’ve wasted chasing you
Praying that just once I’ll feel good enough
To stand by your side

I’m playing Russian roulette with my emotions
Hoping that the one that kills me is the happiness
I initially felt
And not the jealousy that has so carelessly
Taken over my being
I’m tired of feeling used
But I don’t know when to walk away
Caught in the sway of this complicated wave
I told you that I don’t handle complicated well
But you don’t seem to mind as long as you get what you want
In the end
And I’m left stuck with feelings of uncertainty
As you carefully leave
Making sure there’s no room for me to follow

I’m sick of rearranging my thoughts to suit your needs
Making myself available because I’m incapable
Of saying no to you
Knowing I deserve better, settling for someone
Who doesn’t even bother to show
I wish I could let go
Because that would be a whole lot less painful than holding on