Houses
Houses Cars Mortgage Kids
All of the Reasonable Things that We did
For security
And for
doing what’s right Be a good
Husband
Be a good
Wife
Defer happiness For another day Hope For good
Luck
Gamble away
When love
Turns to lack
And attack
attack
I must persevere So much on
My back
For me
To stand up
And say
It’s not ok
For you to
Erupt
Ignore
And dismiss
me Away
Would be me being Selfish
So I struggle on It’s not about me This isn’t my song Stay in discord Life is but chore Swallow my pride Learn not to
Cry

I signed up for this So I have to stay
In a home
Without warmth
Joy
Stripped away
Someday luck
Will change
And bestow
Upon me
The happiness
Joy
And love that
I need
Maybe they’ll change Or they could leave me Someday they’ll die Then I’ll be free
To finally collect
The love I deserve
If only I had
Any reserves
You say
I’m too old
To gamble on
Crazy love
Then why do
You do this
I’ll tell you
Because
Your mind knows
You’re trapped
It concocted this plan With you unaware You’re making a stand A light in the dark You shone unto me
Your winning number In the love
Lottery
1-617-852-0041
Call me
Now.

Though we may only meet
in a dream
it is for now
enough it seems
but some day
i  would really like
to touch your skin
in the real life
until that day
does come to be
you’ll be the only
one
for
me

Time bomb
That I am on
It’s all me
I’m a mess
Cannot cope
With all the stress
The drugs
The disease
Or childhood
It’s just me
I am no good
It’s my fault
I am to blame
Playing stupid children’s games
Wishing I could just might
Touch a soul and save a life
So that I may save my own
Duplicity I’ve got two phones
Broken man
Broken home
Broken wife
Cannot do this life stuff right
But I can write a lovely poem
Never leave it well enough alone

Traffic is coursing
Thru the central artery
A view that’s sliced off
It’s all that I see
But I know the flow
How it pours
Into town
Filling these buildings
I see all around
Window upon l
Windows
On view here
For me
I see
Pain
I see suffering
humanity
I don’t want to go
I don’t want to stay
I don’t want to hide
Day after day
Shuffling around
Scared to make a sound
Take mirame 3x a day
Watch the boy moved
In some freakish way
Twitching about
Like some clockwork man
And the question
Asked daily is
Do you have a plan

warm winds
come and tickle at
my frozen skin
a taste of what
might be
a vision
of salvation
if  they could
only
see
would they not
storm and howl
and lift me
out
help me fly
though all this
doubt

I am what was given
and what was taken away
what was joyously received
and unceremoniously  discarded
I am trash
that was once
treasure
I am what needs
forgetting
the regretting
a story
redacted
its final act
retracted
by a kind
stranger
who
saved
me
from
the
brink

writers block
sooner or later
it happens
to all of us
a story ends
without
an ending
words fall
having no where
to go
they will do
no harm
nor will they
do any good
let’s speak of it no more
ghost in machine

at 4 A.M.
you do these things
they become habit
eating in the middle of the night
waking up as routine
contemplating your plight
contemplation
of you
what you do
in the middle of the night
is that really you
or a symptom
or side effect
did you choose the road here
or is it a neurological pathway
a chemical imbalance
a plaque to your horror
at 4A.M.
contemplating
taking things apart
or are they
taking
apart
you

Words
A thousand of which
Crash
Trying to escape  
from my Jumbled head
Only to be
Trapped
In my mouth
Until pressure
Bursts them to
Spill
Upon the table  
For my epiphany
I hate puzzles

Monochromatic monotony
An absence of color
I fade
And fall back to
The familiar
Unknowingly
Is it comfort
Or complacency
To find myself altogether
Alone
Staring at the sea
A life spent
Bottling feelings
So that I might stay
Afloat
Has left me but a vessel
With neither heart nor note

1:11 AM
Hiding in
A cake
Riding out
The terror
Basking in this light
Blind me to it all
Capture all my fears
Envelope me
My temerity  
Save what’s left
The few words
That struggle
To be free
Of the
Terror
That is
Me

Don’t go back
And try to compare
Then with now
To superimpose
26 onto 46
A faulty logic
The past will not
Heal the future
The future
Cannot corrupt
The past
What was
Or what will be
Are concepts
To which you owe
No fealty
In the kingdom of now

Little rabbit
On the fringe
Do I frighten you
Is it fear
That froze you here
In front of me
Or are you trying
to tell me
Something
I follow your lead
As you hop
Ahead of me
And pause
You turn to see
If I understand
Is this a game
Always just
out of reach
So close
So familiar
Yet you are
Still feral
Unpredictable
And would rather
Run into traffic
Than except
What I offer

withdrawal
is not an easy thing
my affliction
my addiction
how does it fare
for you
locked doors
secure floors
you can be safe
if you could only learn
how not
to be
you
my support
meets retort
access
affection
all denied
Of course I care
we’ve both been there
i empathize
with your view
while mine
goes black
for what I lack
the oxygen
i call
you

What are we
looking for
Lost voyeurs
Scrolling thru
Each other's lives
At breakneck speeds
Time traveling
From Not present
To inaccessible  
An unconscious collective
Our departures marked
By blue screen glare
And a vacant stare
Intelligent phone
Intransigence drones
The United State of
Learned helplessness

I know where I was
somewhere between
precisely where
i did not want to be
to what look liked
a promising path
to where I wanted to
arrive
calculating
my route
I was
distracted
a thought leapt into
being
I should write it down
take the picture
stop and savor this moment
be mindful
of your mindfulness
living in the moment
non judgemental
listening
watching
with intent
means you will not
discriminate
what you keep
from what you lose
that moment
you thought so important
flew off on a cloud
so this sentiment
will have to do
because I haven't a clue
as to what I have let
slip
away

free fall
but then
nothing is free
just because I
cannot grasp
doesn't mean
I don't
hold on
the insistence
of a grip
lost
what
you and I
were
and what
we
will be
not freely
but bound
and entangled
we collide
and seperate
in flight
stuck
in tense
we plummet
together
and fall apart
an eternity
of the moment
bracing
for imminent
impact

You're off
Key
Clearly off
Kilter
Drunk
On yourself
A bottomless
Unwellness
Which you
Have fallen
Down
But I'm
Not falling
For it
You're not
Safe
You
Have made
Me
Out
To be
A monster
Not to be
Trusted
Who can't protect you
From the fact
That you need me
Now
But I
Cannot protect
Myself
From your
Past
Or my future
Let alone
Protect you
From what
Should have been
Left well enough
alone
That's what we
Are
It's
True
It's traumatic
It's triggering
And you are
Holding
The gun

Out of sorts
At least I am out
New sort of me
In a new part of town
While the same old doubts
Whip about
None of this was here before
Not that I knew of
It certainly did not
Spring forth
Out of the blue
It just feels that way
Unplanned
Yet inevitable
Steel and glass monoliths
Shatter and break
The tarmac
What was
Once a barren streetscape
Neglected opportunity
Now is a grand opening
From desolate
To prescient
A megalopolis
Of mindfulness
That reflects back
The question
What do you want
These vessels
To be
Window dressings
All this
Brand newness
An exercise
Is not an exorcism
Just
A rebranding
Of emptiness

The road itself
Had not changed
But the median
That devided  it
Had shifted
And what had once
Been the center
Brightly defined
Is now
A pair
Of black
Parallel lines
Reflective
Visible
a strange
Redaction
Why was I drawn
to this
I circled around
Ride back
Try to guide the bike
Between the lines
And picture
Quite literally
What it means
This new
absence
A shift of what
Once had been
Taken for granted
Is it just me
My life
Ghost  road
Ghost ride
From allegory
To zeitgeist
I am your
Poster child
A guy with
Parkinson's
Riding
No hands
Trying to take
A picture
With my iphone
Pondering
meaning
In the middle of
the ******* road

Follow the colored lines
down the corridors
one by one
they diverge
abrupt right angles
a sharp turn
into acute psychiatry
a long gentle curve
into imagery
we've seen before
we've been here before
this time is different
and the same
old places
and brand new
parallel worlds
perpendicular paths
follow the lines
of this
Kafkaesque
supercollider
hurtling us down the halls
through the partitions
particles collide
and time stands still
which path do we follow
to bring us back
to the beginning
a whole universe
of possibilities

The coffee here
or something that passes for coffee
sort of coffee
but watered down
weak
tasteless
benign
unstimulating
that's the best word for it
I guess that's it in a nutshell
where I am
waterdown
unstimulated
some approximation of
me

I am not in Kansas anymore
That much I'm ******* sure of
I'm trying to follow the road
But it seems to lead nowhere
If I walk it long enough
Diligently pace myself
The path should unfold
But I'm tired
And cramping
And there is no wizard
Or witch
Just me
Scarecrow
Tin man
Lion

I've always found puzzles
Exactly that
Puzzling
It seemed to me
An exercise in futility
Put the pieces together
From this jumbled chaos
So it looks like the orderly picture
On the box
Hardly puzzling
The answer
is right in front of you
The puzzles here
Are worn
And weary
They have been assembled
And broken down
Over and over
Again and again
The cracks and
Worn edges
Interrupt their picture
Some are missing pieces
They will never look
Like the picture on the box
Others are mostly assembled
Left here
Waiting
For someone to finish then
Some have no box at all
No way to contain them
No picture to show them
What they should look like

Words
Are powerful
They teach us
Yes
And no
Love
And hate
They shape us
From the outside
With what we say
And from the inside
With what we think
They can erode us away
And build us up
Bind
Or break
Us
A beginning
Or an end
Ultimately
Starts with
U

Pick a number
One to ten
Such calculus
I find
Impossible
Uncharted territory
My inverted world
There is no translation
For things that are
Difficult to put into words
Are inumerous
Therefore y
Being undefinable
Makes for an algorithm
Whose sum cannot
Be proven
Logically
A tangent
Of acute panic
An irrational
Conclusion

What am I doing
How did I get here
Why bother going on
In your mind
Out of it
A troubled past
Or a bleak future
Yet I am
Present
I didn't see the point
Yet something pointed me here
I thought i can't go on
Yet now I'm writing poetry
I thought I needed solitude
I found solidarity
I thought that I was weak
Asking for help is strong

I stare down the beach
Past the sand
It's gradient
Shifting from light to dark
Dry and fluffy
to wet and hard
Past the water line
Where children Play
summer games
Where summer is
Still a verb
Past the tiny frigid waves
That quickly conquer
The body
Past the buoys
That trigger
Shrill whistles
For errant swimmers
Testing boundaries
Past the powerboats
Racing
towards the  Weekend
Past the improbable *******
Momentary refuge
As temporary
as a beautiful
Summer day
Past the sailboats
And their
Loitering indifference
Past them all
to the horizon
An illusion
Of affinity
A paradoxical
Infinity
where cobalt skies
And azure seas
Conspire
To never meet

Clack clack clack clack
Bing zzzzzzzzzzzpppp
That's the sound it makes
Not Parkinson's
My typewriter
That's the sound it will make
When I type up this
I really don't know what sound
Parkinson's would make
I really don't care
Ha ha
That's ironic
Apathy is a symptom of Parkinson's
I've just used against it
So yeah, I will sit at the typewriter
And clack this out
It will make my fingers hurt and cramp
It will take effort for us both
Stubborn old machines
I will bend you to my will
And when time comes
To stuff me on a shelf
Broken machine
Obsolete
I will have wrung
Every last bit of creativity
Out of us
**** yeah
That's the type of person
I am

I don't know when you got here
Or how
I can only guess
Part genetic stowaway
Sure, maybe
Or you leaked in
Through one of a couple
Of cracked helmets
Either way
You're here now
And it's been so long
I can scarcely remember
A time without you
I can scarcely
Remember
Period
It's a fuzzy feeling
Not warm
Mind you
Or cold
I can't handle extremes anymore
Just fuzzy
My memories
When you got here
When I left
What's left that's me
And what's a
Symptom
Or side effect
Who I am
Who I was
How much
How long
Have you been
Orchestrating
This shakedown

I should shake my head
Yes
No
Give some sign
I am here
Am I here?
Yes
Somewhere deep down inside
It is hard to get out
Takes energy
Energy I do not feel i have
To escape
Outside
Escape
Out of me
Escape
Out of my mouth
Here I am

Shake the man's hand
No, not a just a man.
A doctor
A neurologist
Shake the Doctor's hand
He gave you something
He gave you Parkinson's
No, he did not
He gave you what you wanted
He gave you a diagnosis
He is smiling
He does not have Parkinson's
I know this Because
he can smile
He smiles all the time
Not a very big smile
He is hard to read
Not really smiling all the time
Perhaps we are not so different

Frozen
That's the best I can do
To describe it
This feeling
Mid sentence
Mid thought
I'll come to a standstill
The words I'm certain
I was about to say
Now MIA
Their abscence
Acutely felt
Tiny waves of panic
Ripple thru my brain
Where have they gone
And what will I do
Without them
Or this
Or that
A feeling of being
Tantalizing close
To some sort of epiphany
Only to find myself suddenly
Somehow transported
Extraordinary rendition
To this fugue state
How did I get here
A refuge
From my own thought process
Frantically searching for
Familiarity
A willow wisp of words
That left me stranded
Here
Alone
Speechless
I will not accept defeat
For the words
My tongue cannot reach
I will find them
And they will move
Cognitive dissidents
Poetry is
A daring escape
A window onto my mind
An act of Self defenestration

It's the middle of the night
I should sleep
But there is no rest
Stillness comes only
in vivid dreams
Where I'm paralyzed
in primal fear
I cry out
racing thoughts
Seeking escape
Scatter about
Like marbles on a ship
Caught in perpetual tempest
On a sea without horizon
I Gather them up
With cold trembling hands
These agitated aggies
Mutinous thoughts
Don't abandon me now
In the middle of the night

I had hoped for spring
Impatient
For its promise
It's warmth and light
An insurrection of color
To finally topple grey
Such color
That my eyes are transfixed
Quince
My mind knows the name
But cannot contain
So much color
It burns
But the sky opens
Winters wrath
Cold and grey
Merciless
reminds me
Of the frailty of things
And rescinds hope


You had hoped for spring
A new awakening
A promise
Fraternity over fear
Independence instead of
Autocracy
We were transfixed
Arab spring
Our mind knows the name
Yet does not grasp its meaning
We watch warily
As the sparks
And the ambers catch
But the winds change
And you are but
A faraway fire
In a faraway place
So much apathy
Reminds you of the frailty of conscience
And rescinds hope

I wanted to write of spring
Of quince
Such color
That it hurts
The eyes
But the skies opened
And the rain burned
And through the tears
My eyes are transfixed
Such evil
I can no longer see spring
But see children
Side by side
Who will never
Be self determined
Or feel warmth
Or know spring
Again
And this is the frailty of
Humanity
And we must not rescind
Help

Winter
I know it's coming
Yet still it surprises
Catches me off balance
It's ferocity
It grinds all things
To a standstill
I step outside and marvel at its might
At a world upended
Abandoned
I am alone
Gale force winds
Are no match
For the crushing weight
Of winters silence

Winter
Is something we knew
was coming
Such dire predictions
Predicated with vague hopes
That it may not come
Or be like this
Still we prepare
For my winter
No, our winter
Although I fear it
Drains the warmth from us both
And shake as I might
I will not be able to warm you
In the cold winter night
I am still
Twitching
Restless and rummaging
For what I do not know

Winter
I wish to run out and greet you
Fly upon your winds
And float upon your back
Flee into your cold
And starkness and silence
Eyes tearing
Heart pounding
Lungs searing as
Icy hands pillage them
My frozen facade
Shattered
Fragmented
scattered
By a laugh
sparkling
bits of me
To show you
I am
still

Four months
Too long
Too cold
Too dark
Too busy
Held ransom
By reasons
No excuses
Idiopathic idiocy
Pathological apathy
Four months
Of pain
Eradicated by
four seconds
Of cycling
Cognitive breakthrough
A synaptic symphony
Endorphin re-indoctrination
Free flight
From myself
Four months
*******

Who are you really?
Hazy collection of cherry picked memories
Sort them as you will
Arrange them to your liking
Till you see what you want to see
Parallax  personality
Expectations supplant reality
Composite sketch puzzle
So many years
So many pieces
So many
you
Missing pieces
Filled in at your discretion
Until redirection
All the world is but a stage
But this is not a solo show
You Strut upon
Well Practiced lines
Their delivery
Outlines
The picture you want us to see
The person you want
To be
But you are no magician
And no acting
Can completely conceal
How you act
The reveal
Your true self
Spilling out
Of your ill fitting
People suit
For the missing pieces
Belong to us
And we shall see you
As we see fit

My words fail
Frail
And
Fearful
Slipping from my lips
To crash at my own feet
Bringing me down
Flailing
A silent cry
In the dark
A hidden monument  
To dread
And disease
And despair
Built by
Pride and
Stubbornness
Independent
Of reality

Avoidance
And complacency
led you
To this place
Static
Built
this arena
The Matadors
gaze
Fierce
Angry
Scornful
Challenging and
Antagonizing you
Charge
Or have you
Confused
A white flag
For red
Again

Dusk and
Dawn
The fleetingest
Of Moments
When
The world
Pauses
Then
Pivots
And reveals
A brief glimpse
The enormity
Of Everything
A story
Told in hues
So that
you may
Understand

My Body
Is evidently
damning
I plead for
Clemency
I do not
Wish to leave
Not my time
I do not
Want to serve
My changed mind
An Unspeakable
Sentence
An inescapable
Outcome
Fugitive
In
A fuge state
Pardon me

It starts
with a bang
A single shot
Followed by a
Chorus
Of clacking
Clicking
And whirring
As though
The bullet
Tore a hole
In the sky
And now
all the air
Is rushing out
******* us
With it
A spectacle
To witness
Such great pitch
And movement
A steady buzz
Buzzing
rolling
Cacophony
Fueled by
Ambition
aggression
And panic
Elbows out
Jarring
Sparring
Until we settle
Into our rhythm
Carbon and metal
And organic
Mass
Undulating along
Whoosh
Wooshing
Flying
on the ground
Escape velocity
Hurtling along
Pushing
A wall of air
The winds of
Our arrival
Surrounding us
An envelope
Sealing
This new singularity
From the rest of
The universe
Until it collapses
On itself
And vanishes
Until
The next
Event
Horizon

How have you been?
Sorry it's been awhile
Since I've written
I guess things are ok
Haven't much to write about
It's not fair
I know
That I only write
Of Sorrow and
In desperation
One might think
That's all
I have left
unspoken
I just wanted to say
It's ok

Conviction is
nothing more than
A coping skill
As we cling
to our Gods
And ideology
Our concepts of
Who and why
We are
A flimsy barricade
To protect us
From the unknown
And unknowable
The impossible
And the possibility
That there is
No reason
No purpose
No intent
a million monkeys typing
How many stars were necessary
To create the sonnet
Of you and me
And everything
An event
As inevitable
As every
Ending
Of this much
I am
Convinced

Bumper to bumper
Traffic
As far as one
Can see
A sea of
Humanity
All together
Alone
Wary
Weary
And yet
unaware
Encapsulated
In our
Collective ideal
Of individuality

It was nothing
really
Nothing
I want to admit
Nothing
I'm willful
I don't want
To talk
about it
It's not my face
That gives me away
It's the pause
The fear
Of having
Nothing to say
On the precipice
Of my emotional
Abyss
Trapped in my Silence
Apathy as
Violence
You've Cracked open
the door
My nature
Abhors
A Vacuum
Is Filled
By defiance

I watch the surfers
Sleek black forms
Bobbing up and down
Odd cormorants
Flocking here
Waiting
A New England rarity
Good surf
On a bright summer day
How long
have they waited
A life of
Vigilance
And anticipation
I wonder
Why they pass
On wave after wave
Opportunities lost
Having waited so long
From my view
Up on high
Their mistakes are
Laid bare
Future and past
A Rolling set
They wait
Adrift
ocean of time
Until the right wave
Comes
And carries them
Into the present

I am up
Awake
Before the sun
It's arrival
Heralded by
Colors creeping
Out against
The retreating night sky
Do not mistake me
For a morning person
I do not relish this
Nor do I mourn
For sleep
lost
It could be  
found
But this
is necessary
Not without joy
Not without sacrifice
Without a word
It simply is
A ride
My Fortress
of Solitude
For a mind
Besieged
By thought
At war with
Itself
Do not
retreat
Into the past
A ruthless place
A heckling pace
That tells you
You cannot
Hang on
Give no portage
To fate
For you cannot grasp
What the future holds
Just
Keep moving
Focus
This ride
It is the only ride
That matters
I wrap myself
In its tight fabric
It's sounds
Clicking and clacking
Racing thoughts
Shifting
Centrifugal forces
Sifting
As I order
Myself
Ride
As long
as I pedal
I am
Present

Pause
One moment
Hyper focus
Self aware
redefine time
Blur the lines
Auto
biographic
Abandoning
or genetic inevitability
A story
Pre  written
In Indelible ink
Nothing
Is as
Invisible
As we think