I watch the surfers
Sleek black forms
Bobbing up and down
Odd cormorants
Flocking here
Waiting
A New England rarity
Good surf
On a bright summer day
How long
have they waited
A life of
Vigilance
And anticipation
I wonder
Why they pass
On wave after wave
Opportunities lost
Having waited so long
From my view
Up on high
Their mistakes are
Laid bare
Future and past
A Rolling set
They wait
Adrift
ocean of time
Until the right wave
Comes
And carries them
Into the present

I am up
Awake
Before the sun
It's arrival
Heralded by
Colors creeping
Out against
The retreating night sky
Do not mistake me
For a morning person
I do not relish this
Nor do I mourn
For sleep
lost
It could be  
found
But this
is necessary
Not without joy
Not without sacrifice
Without a word
It simply is
A ride
My Fortress
of Solitude
For a mind
Besieged
By thought
At war with
Itself
Do not
retreat
Into the past
A ruthless place
A heckling pace
That tells you
You cannot
Hang on
Give no portage
To fate
For you cannot grasp
What the future holds
Just
Keep moving
Focus
This ride
It is the only ride
That matters
I wrap myself
In its tight fabric
It's sounds
Clicking and clacking
Racing thoughts
Shifting
Centrifugal forces
Sifting
As I order
Myself
Ride
As long
as I pedal
I am
Present

Four months
Too long
Too cold
Too dark
Too busy
Held ransom
By reasons
No excuses
Idiopathic idiocy
Pathological apathy
Four months
Of pain
Eradicated by
four seconds
Of cycling
Cognitive breakthrough
A synaptic symphony
Endorphin re-indoctrination
Free flight
From myself
Four months
*******

We're in this together
At least for now that is
Too soon to say
When we will finally decide
To go our separate ways
Routine
Ebb and flow
As we traverse hallow ground
We make it look easy
Together yet apart
Fluid in symphony
Floating soap bubble
Stretching
Swirling
Waiting to erupt
Make no mistake
Should you falter
I will fly
Unleashing such
calamity
You will hunt me down
Crush me for my
Ignominy
Swallow me whole
Embrace me in your fold
Act as though
It never happened
Sweet indifference
My insolence
My impotence
Click back in place
Smile disguised grimace
Hold on
For
Just
another
Turn

writers block
sooner or later
it happens
to all of us
a story ends
without
an ending
words fall
having no where
to go
they will do
no harm
nor will they
do any good
let’s speak of it no more
ghost in machine

It starts
with a bang
A single shot
Followed by a
Chorus
Of clacking
Clicking
And whirring
As though
The bullet
Tore a hole
In the sky
And now
all the air
Is rushing out
******* us
With it
A spectacle
To witness
Such great pitch
And movement
A steady buzz
Buzzing
rolling
Cacophony
Fueled by
Ambition
aggression
And panic
Elbows out
Jarring
Sparring
Until we settle
Into our rhythm
Carbon and metal
And organic
Mass
Undulating along
Whoosh
Wooshing
Flying
on the ground
Escape velocity
Hurtling along
Pushing
A wall of air
The winds of
Our arrival
Surrounding us
An envelope
Sealing
This new singularity
From the rest of
The universe
Until it collapses
On itself
And vanishes
Until
The next
Event
Horizon

Don’t go back
And try to compare
Then with now
To superimpose
26 onto 46
A faulty logic
The past will not
Heal the future
The future
Cannot corrupt
The past
What was
Or what will be
Are concepts
To which you owe
No fealty
In the kingdom of now

scorcher
irreverent
cocky
fire *******
such luminosity
defying expectations
suscitavit a canibus
they dominated you
feral pack
left you no scraps
rescued
via one
whom recused
not up to the task
cannot fill in the gaps
teach you the facts
but some teachers trespass
broke free from their fold
swallowed them whole
insoluble
intolerable
Yet such luminosity
Wit
Generosity
Unfiltered
curiosity
Deprived of the basics
A need to know basis
Survival instinct
Relationships
Extinct
In some fashion
An artists
Rendition
Creative spark
Nuclear fission
Compassionate
Empathetic
For all you will listen
Except for yourself
A struggle
Willful prohibition

America
How did we get here
24 hour news cycle
Veal force fed fear
Reality television
Without any content
Morality supposition
Flaming discontent
Ignored civic duty
We really don't care
Reward the unruly
We like what we hear
Some because
we're better than that
Others because
they want to take back
What never belonged
To only the few
It's not media bias
That you can undo
You've tended a tree
Of hatred and fear
Don't be surprised
By the fruit that it bears
It's become inconvenient
Even you can see that
Calling fact fiction
And fiction fact
It's a grand old party
But parties don't last
Your house is on fire
And you lit the match

I had hoped for spring
Impatient
For its promise
It's warmth and light
An insurrection of color
To finally topple grey
Such color
That my eyes are transfixed
Quince
My mind knows the name
But cannot contain
So much color
It burns
But the sky opens
Winters wrath
Cold and grey
Merciless
reminds me
Of the frailty of things
And rescinds hope


You had hoped for spring
A new awakening
A promise
Fraternity over fear
Independence instead of
Autocracy
We were transfixed
Arab spring
Our mind knows the name
Yet does not grasp its meaning
We watch warily
As the sparks
And the ambers catch
But the winds change
And you are but
A faraway fire
In a faraway place
So much apathy
Reminds you of the frailty of conscience
And rescinds hope

I wanted to write of spring
Of quince
Such color
That it hurts
The eyes
But the skies opened
And the rain burned
And through the tears
My eyes are transfixed
Such evil
I can no longer see spring
But see children
Side by side
Who will never
Be self determined
Or feel warmth
Or know spring
Again
And this is the frailty of
Humanity
And we must not rescind
Help

Avoidance
And complacency
led you
To this place
Static
Built
this arena
The Matadors
gaze
Fierce
Angry
Scornful
Challenging and
Antagonizing you
Charge
Or have you
Confused
A white flag
For red
Again

Follow the colored lines
down the corridors
one by one
they diverge
abrupt right angles
a sharp turn
into acute psychiatry
a long gentle curve
into imagery
we've seen before
we've been here before
this time is different
and the same
old places
and brand new
parallel worlds
perpendicular paths
follow the lines
of this
Kafkaesque
supercollider
hurtling us down the halls
through the partitions
particles collide
and time stands still
which path do we follow
to bring us back
to the beginning
a whole universe
of possibilities

Momentum
moving
keep moving
around
circling
mustn’t stop
for a moment
I’ll get stuck
keep moving
running away
til
I am moved
to stop
by a thought
bringing me down

wait
be patient
waiting room
out patient
hospital remainders
bland art walls
endless beige carpets
down narrow clinic halls
door after door hiding
other peoples lives
suffering
white noise
appointment to appointment
slowly cycle thru
the medical digestive system
please hold
describe your pain
numerically
so we can assist you
mathematically
your story
your self
one to ten
in under fifteen
this is not a bill
but you may be reprehensible

free fall
but then
nothing is free
just because I
cannot grasp
doesn't mean
I don't
hold on
the insistence
of a grip
lost
what
you and I
were
and what
we
will be
not freely
but bound
and entangled
we collide
and seperate
in flight
stuck
in tense
we plummet
together
and fall apart
an eternity
of the moment
bracing
for imminent
impact

Pause
One moment
Hyper focus
Self aware
redefine time
Blur the lines
Auto
biographic
Abandoning
or genetic inevitability
A story
Pre  written
In Indelible ink
Nothing
Is as
Invisible
As we think

I see you clearly
You cannot hide it
Not like me
Like me
Although you do not know
We're both in the same show
Every cell in my body
Buzzing
An Atomic level
Of anticipation
Waiting for their big
Debut

at 4 A.M.
you do these things
they become habit
eating in the middle of the night
waking up as routine
contemplating your plight
contemplation
of you
what you do
in the middle of the night
is that really you
or a symptom
or side effect
did you choose the road here
or is it a neurological pathway
a chemical imbalance
a plaque to your horror
at 4A.M.
contemplating
taking things apart
or are they
taking
apart
you

Clack clack clack clack
Bing zzzzzzzzzzzpppp
That's the sound it makes
Not Parkinson's
My typewriter
That's the sound it will make
When I type up this
I really don't know what sound
Parkinson's would make
I really don't care
Ha ha
That's ironic
Apathy is a symptom of Parkinson's
I've just used against it
So yeah, I will sit at the typewriter
And clack this out
It will make my fingers hurt and cramp
It will take effort for us both
Stubborn old machines
I will bend you to my will
And when time comes
To stuff me on a shelf
Broken machine
Obsolete
I will have wrung
Every last bit of creativity
Out of us
**** yeah
That's the type of person
I am

Frozen
That's the best I can do
To describe it
This feeling
Mid sentence
Mid thought
I'll come to a standstill
The words I'm certain
I was about to say
Now MIA
Their abscence
Acutely felt
Tiny waves of panic
Ripple thru my brain
Where have they gone
And what will I do
Without them
Or this
Or that
A feeling of being
Tantalizing close
To some sort of epiphany
Only to find myself suddenly
Somehow transported
Extraordinary rendition
To this fugue state
How did I get here
A refuge
From my own thought process
Frantically searching for
Familiarity
A willow wisp of words
That left me stranded
Here
Alone
Speechless
I will not accept defeat
For the words
My tongue cannot reach
I will find them
And they will move
Cognitive dissidents
Poetry is
A daring escape
A window onto my mind
An act of Self defenestration

It's the middle of the night
I should sleep
But there is no rest
Stillness comes only
in vivid dreams
Where I'm paralyzed
in primal fear
I cry out
racing thoughts
Seeking escape
Scatter about
Like marbles on a ship
Caught in perpetual tempest
On a sea without horizon
I Gather them up
With cold trembling hands
These agitated aggies
Mutinous thoughts
Don't abandon me now
In the middle of the night

I should shake my head
Yes
No
Give some sign
I am here
Am I here?
Yes
Somewhere deep down inside
It is hard to get out
Takes energy
Energy I do not feel i have
To escape
Outside
Escape
Out of me
Escape
Out of my mouth
Here I am

I don't know when you got here
Or how
I can only guess
Part genetic stowaway
Sure, maybe
Or you leaked in
Through one of a couple
Of cracked helmets
Either way
You're here now
And it's been so long
I can scarcely remember
A time without you
I can scarcely
Remember
Period
It's a fuzzy feeling
Not warm
Mind you
Or cold
I can't handle extremes anymore
Just fuzzy
My memories
When you got here
When I left
What's left that's me
And what's a
Symptom
Or side effect
Who I am
Who I was
How much
How long
Have you been
Orchestrating
This shakedown

Shake the man's hand
No, not a just a man.
A doctor
A neurologist
Shake the Doctor's hand
He gave you something
He gave you Parkinson's
No, he did not
He gave you what you wanted
He gave you a diagnosis
He is smiling
He does not have Parkinson's
I know this Because
he can smile
He smiles all the time
Not a very big smile
He is hard to read
Not really smiling all the time
Perhaps we are not so different

Hit the brakes
Jaw drop
Come to a
Short stop
Stop motion
Mystery
Stick man
In front of me
Staggering
To watch you cross
Such a will
I'm at a loss
Pondering
As you pass
Steadfast
On your path
How long was it
To get to here
Atlas shrugged
He could not bear
The crushing weight
My future fears
An audience
Of just one peer
Time lapsed
In this spot
Freeze frame
Racing thoughts
Self flagellation
Shame on me
Marching cross
That may
Not be

A groove
Cut too
Shallow
A shoulder
Too high
Unsupported
Raw layers
Veneers
Exposed
Rocking
Back
And forth
Till something
Splinters
And cracks
No amount
Of glue
Will hold this
Together
Rabbet
Rout
Remove even
More of
The material
Myself
Repeat until
The pieces
Hold fast

My words fail
Frail
And
Fearful
Slipping from my lips
To crash at my own feet
Bringing me down
Flailing
A silent cry
In the dark
A hidden monument  
To dread
And disease
And despair
Built by
Pride and
Stubbornness
Independent
Of reality

Silent explosion
Not a sound
To accompany
The detonation
Fragmented
Bits of life
Strewn around
A place
That can no longer
Contain
It's concept
Unsafe
Unwelcoming
Too tired
For triage
Tired of stumbling
Through this
Endless
Minefield

Out of sorts
At least I am out
New sort of me
In a new part of town
While the same old doubts
Whip about
None of this was here before
Not that I knew of
It certainly did not
Spring forth
Out of the blue
It just feels that way
Unplanned
Yet inevitable
Steel and glass monoliths
Shatter and break
The tarmac
What was
Once a barren streetscape
Neglected opportunity
Now is a grand opening
From desolate
To prescient
A megalopolis
Of mindfulness
That reflects back
The question
What do you want
These vessels
To be
Window dressings
All this
Brand newness
An exercise
Is not an exorcism
Just
A rebranding
Of emptiness

What are we
looking for
Lost voyeurs
Scrolling thru
Each other's lives
At breakneck speeds
Time traveling
From Not present
To inaccessible  
An unconscious collective
Our departures marked
By blue screen glare
And a vacant stare
Intelligent phone
Intransigence drones
The United State of
Learned helplessness

I've always found puzzles
Exactly that
Puzzling
It seemed to me
An exercise in futility
Put the pieces together
From this jumbled chaos
So it looks like the orderly picture
On the box
Hardly puzzling
The answer
is right in front of you
The puzzles here
Are worn
And weary
They have been assembled
And broken down
Over and over
Again and again
The cracks and
Worn edges
Interrupt their picture
Some are missing pieces
They will never look
Like the picture on the box
Others are mostly assembled
Left here
Waiting
For someone to finish then
Some have no box at all
No way to contain them
No picture to show them
What they should look like

When I look at you
Myself
Who I see
Looks back
Intense
So far from
Me
That I can't recall
What you looked like

Monochromatic monotony
An absence of color
I fade
And fall back to
The familiar
Unknowingly
Is it comfort
Or complacency
To find myself altogether
Alone
Staring at the sea
A life spent
Bottling feelings
So that I might stay
Afloat
Has left me but a vessel
With neither heart nor note

A thought
Contemplated
Corrupts
Controls
And conspires
To be free
A word
Given breath
Breath taking
Independent
Indiscriminate
Unstoppable
No other word
Will
Catch
Or
Contain
It
Write down
The names of
Your accomplices
Here
And we
Will let
You
Go
Free

You're off
Key
Clearly off
Kilter
Drunk
On yourself
A bottomless
Unwellness
Which you
Have fallen
Down
But I'm
Not falling
For it
You're not
Safe
You
Have made
Me
Out
To be
A monster
Not to be
Trusted
Who can't protect you
From the fact
That you need me
Now
But I
Cannot protect
Myself
From your
Past
Or my future
Let alone
Protect you
From what
Should have been
Left well enough
alone
That's what we
Are
It's
True
It's traumatic
It's triggering
And you are
Holding
The gun

I stare down the beach
Past the sand
It's gradient
Shifting from light to dark
Dry and fluffy
to wet and hard
Past the water line
Where children Play
summer games
Where summer is
Still a verb
Past the tiny frigid waves
That quickly conquer
The body
Past the buoys
That trigger
Shrill whistles
For errant swimmers
Testing boundaries
Past the powerboats
Racing
towards the  Weekend
Past the improbable *******
Momentary refuge
As temporary
as a beautiful
Summer day
Past the sailboats
And their
Loitering indifference
Past them all
to the horizon
An illusion
Of affinity
A paradoxical
Infinity
where cobalt skies
And azure seas
Conspire
To never meet

Winter
I know it's coming
Yet still it surprises
Catches me off balance
It's ferocity
It grinds all things
To a standstill
I step outside and marvel at its might
At a world upended
Abandoned
I am alone
Gale force winds
Are no match
For the crushing weight
Of winters silence

Winter
Is something we knew
was coming
Such dire predictions
Predicated with vague hopes
That it may not come
Or be like this
Still we prepare
For my winter
No, our winter
Although I fear it
Drains the warmth from us both
And shake as I might
I will not be able to warm you
In the cold winter night
I am still
Twitching
Restless and rummaging
For what I do not know

Winter
I wish to run out and greet you
Fly upon your winds
And float upon your back
Flee into your cold
And starkness and silence
Eyes tearing
Heart pounding
Lungs searing as
Icy hands pillage them
My frozen facade
Shattered
Fragmented
scattered
By a laugh
sparkling
bits of me
To show you
I am
still

The moment
I'm still
I start
to slip
Not tranquil
Free fall
fit
I ****
Wide awake
You
Insist
You're pulling
The strings

The coffee here
or something that passes for coffee
sort of coffee
but watered down
weak
tasteless
benign
unstimulating
that's the best word for it
I guess that's it in a nutshell
where I am
waterdown
unstimulated
some approximation of
me

It was nothing
really
Nothing
I want to admit
Nothing
I'm willful
I don't want
To talk
about it
It's not my face
That gives me away
It's the pause
The fear
Of having
Nothing to say
On the precipice
Of my emotional
Abyss
Trapped in my Silence
Apathy as
Violence
You've Cracked open
the door
My nature
Abhors
A Vacuum
Is Filled
By defiance

...and they lived
Happily ever after
Funny
That's the end of the story
Happily ever after
Is not a story in and of itself
At least not one that people
Are interested in
Libraries and museums
Crammed with works
Volume upon volume
Detailing the suffering
Of the human condition
Happiness ever after
Is banished
To the remainders table

To be clear
An anecdote about
All the suffering in the world
Is not to be confused with
An antidote
For the pain
Of the person you
Are telling it to

awake
alone
night
and day
even the cats
who awoke me
have abandoned me
know better than me
how to satiate their needs
ruminate on my plight
stare at the harsh light
of a tiny screen
that casts no warmth
no comfort
illusory connection
nothing more
than a window
to mew at

Two
from
Four
Half
of what
ought to be
remains
so much more
than I
can
carry

I am not in Kansas anymore
That much I'm ******* sure of
I'm trying to follow the road
But it seems to lead nowhere
If I walk it long enough
Diligently pace myself
The path should unfold
But I'm tired
And cramping
And there is no wizard
Or witch
Just me
Scarecrow
Tin man
Lion

Momentarily
I will be still
Eventually
I will be still
Eternally
I will be still
Perpetually
Restless will

Bumper to bumper
Traffic
As far as one
Can see
A sea of
Humanity
All together
Alone
Wary
Weary
And yet
unaware
Encapsulated
In our
Collective ideal
Of individuality

Pick a number
One to ten
Such calculus
I find
Impossible
Uncharted territory
My inverted world
There is no translation
For things that are
Difficult to put into words
Are inumerous
Therefore y
Being undefinable
Makes for an algorithm
Whose sum cannot
Be proven
Logically
A tangent
Of acute panic
An irrational
Conclusion

What are you thinking?
Eyes fixed on mine
Your pupils
Pulling mine own into focus
From a million miles away
Their gravity
The gravity
Where was I?
A vast wasteland of a universe
Footsteps upon footsteps
Feeling I've been here
So many times before
Feeling I've been here
Too Long
I forgot to stop
Treading along
This path
This earth
The gravity
Finally pulling me down
Pulling me out
What are you thinking?

nothing

You are not well
You are not yourself
Not anymore
From this pivotal point
Your sense of self
Will be in flux
As you struggle to
Redefine
You
All the while
Wondering
If it is
You
Doing
The redefining