when i was younger
i expected to be an adult
by now but mostly
i still feel like a
scared kid
14 wanting to be 16
16 wanting to be 18
19 wanting to be
anything else
everything seemed easier
when it was years away
but now i'm caught in
the middle of my mess
wishing i would have
seen it coming

i woke up today and
i don't love you anymore
your place is not in my heart
your memories are not in my mind
your scent is no longer in my sheets
i woke up today and
being alone felt natural
being alone was motivation
being alone got me out of bed
my life is my own
finally

i am learning to live without the love
i thought i'd never have to and
it's only gotten harder.
but, this morning, i got out of bed,
and i did the same yesterday,
and i'll do the same tomorrow.
the hurt i feel will break me
and i will still be standing after.
you will leave
and i will go on.

i've been breathing deeper,
caring more, loving harder,
smiling for the sake of smiling.
i've been losing sleep,
crying when you're not around,
getting high to block it all out.
i've been realizing this isn't easy.
exhausted after eight hours of sleep
spent in nightmares of lone times,
days spent fighting fatigue brought
on by the thought of your skin on
hers.
*if i could tell you i would