my blank canvas arms
that feel empty without you
cold and boring
i miss the burn of your touch
i miss how spontaneous you were
i miss how you were a reminder of everything i could be
i miss how you made me feel better

there was this rush with you
how every time i saw you
i was almost elated
and disappointed
you were my legitimacy
my own point of intimacy
and as it turned out to be
you never loved me

i used you
and you used my body
to fuel your aspirations
of pain
and intentions
of hurt
because of you
im a flight risk
and all i want is to go somewhere over this rainbow
that only bleeds red

please don't leave me
i keep your love letters
in my pillowcase
and no need to fear
these blades
unlike grass
are not evergreen

my scars remain
spiderweb hairs
silver slivers of memories
caught in lies and deceit
please leave me here

because i believe you love me
and i love you
but i don't need you
anymore

I struggle constantly
With a fear
Such a strenuous consistency
Year after year

When my mind is blank
It's all okay
But one simple thought
Can send that all away

My mind is cluttered
All racing fast
Trying to deal with the future
When I can't handle the present and or past

I get overwhelmed
I honestly can't handle it all
So I procrastinate
Waste time... Stall

Then its smothering me
All at once
So all my hard work
Is just a bust

So then I feel worthless
Like why should I care
I basically give up
I ask Why me? And internally state “This isn't fair”

But that's a day in the life
That's basically me
My doctor diagnosed it as
Anxiety

Oh well
What can I say?
When it comes to mental illness
You're born this way

A memory can be sweet as candy
Like a jawbreaker
It has many layers
With time
And patience
It will flake away
One
By
One
Each detail lost
Each color faded
Until you are left with the core
The heart of the story
Why you remember it
As you bite down
You remember it
It all comes flooding back
It releases the sweet memory
Across your tongue
Then you do what we all do in the face of candy
smile

Above the pain and the sorrow
above the grueling years
above the today that needs tomorrow
above an angel's tears

below the bottom of the seas
below the kick under the belt
below the buzz of the honey bees
below the pain that she felt

Besides the fact that she lost
besides the fact she thought she had won
besides the kiss from jack frost
besides the melting soul under the compelling sun

in front of the death toll line
in front of the brave
in front of the directing sign
in front of the things we save

behind the thing in which we sought
behind her only friend
behind the memories they forgot
behind the last or the end

I’m falling
old habits die hard
and i'm far from death
Breathe in and out
Crystallized breath
Hypothermic honesty
The cold truth
touch melts me like snow
Evaporate my care and tears that fall like rain
I'm falling

I’m drowning
Hold me under
Apathy allows me to sink
Heavy heart
Watch air encased in liquid leave my lips
Like the words i'll never say
And watch them disperse
Filling my lungs with disappointment
I’m drowning

I’m ceasing to exist
I can see through my hands
And my own excuses
Hold my palms to the sky
And try to remember the sunshine
I glisten and shine
Forgetting the pride
in which was mine
No one can see me
Through and through
Im ceasing to exist

I am gone
Tell me to be quite
But when silent
who is to tell me to speak up
An empty chair
Still air
Missing
Dairy casings show my photograph
And my face says it all
Look in my eyes
I am ready gone

I am forgotten
No one is to know me
Move and i ride along
A mobile personality
A mysterious inclosed message
Within whom i know
Who i have known
And who i left
As well as all the people I've loved
I am forgotten

I’m falling
I’m drowning
I’m ceasing to exist
I’m gone
I’m forgotten

I expected him to fill me
To fill the void in my soul
And that it would be filled to the brim
So high it would overflow
With love

But it was not love
I still try to shake the memory
Dumping the glass
Throwing it
Having it shatter

Oh yes
He filled me
But I have never felt so empty
Because when he filled me
He did not complete me
And yes
There is a difference

Please don't try to fix me
With glitter glue and scotch tape
If you try to mend something that isn't broken
It will surely break
Please don't try to fix me
I am who i'm suppose to be
Please don't sand my rough edges
I'm growing restless
Just dont fix me

Fake love that stretched me cheeks to a ***** too steep and now my lies chaise me in my dreams who can sleep when happiness dictates you nightmares

Over exaggerating idealistic scenarios only to boost my hopes and motivation without any recognition of success for my to suppress who I am

Remorse of lost emotions that I never had the luxury of experiencing. Joy to watched children dance in the light and to the rhythm of laughter, punish me for my lack of interest in an idea so trivial, that only someone who doesn't know pain could accept

Gracious temporary hosts who held me close and told me to try, try again and were my only friends and who saw my end only to never let me go ever again

Individual alone time, lonely songs sang to the wall and the rooftops on my lungs while they are burning beneath me

Various memories infection my body; nerve spasms, flinching, clenching, screaming, shaking, horrific past events in which I had no control over much like my body

Everyone who left leaving only one to rely on, to lean on, to cling on to have my back to which I am lying flat, wind knocked out of me by reality

Hello
One word with ten thousand meanings
and can be used with ten thousand people
this word has no ownership
this word has no emotion
it's a simple formality

It comes in many forms
“Hey”
“Sup”
“Hi”
we use them interchangeably
because it is built into us
a robotic response

That is…
until someone doesn't say hello
they walk by without a word
or you say hello
and they don't respond

hello, when spoken
has no meaning…
that is…
until it isn't said
at all

I know the depression is all in my head
I have it pretty severe
but it's nothing to dread
because I don't fear what's under my bed
I fear…
I fear…
Myself.
My depression isn't seasonal
it is induced by a simple thing
when I look in the mirror
and I feel I will never see a diamond ring
on this finger of mine
on this finger
because of my mind.
I look in the mirror and I see a monster
something that's clawing at my eyes
and hoping that someday I will just realize
that someday
some way
I will be okay.
they say it's all your perception
I say it's in my reflection
it's all that I need to know
that my life isn't real
and the things that I feel
are not okay.
The pile the medication,
one after another until I feel nothing is left,
because nothing will ever be right.
I start falling asleep in class
thing is I never wanted to wake up in the first place.
I don't want to open my eyes and see my classmates laughing at me
because
of what I see in the mirror.

It’s not that she hates to be left alone
It’s that she hates to be forgotten

It’s not that she thinks she’s ugly
It’s that she thinks she will never be pretty enough

It’s not that she cares what people think about her
It’s that she cares about having enemies

It’s not that she’s afraid of love
It’s that she’s afraid she doesn’t know how to

It’s not that she never will be happy
It’s that she never was in the first place

It’s not that she wants to die
It’s that she wants it to end

It’s not that it’s you
It’s that she’s ****** up all on her own

I don't know if it's love
Or if maybe I’m just afraid
That you'll go back to the
Real world
And you'll forget my name
And I don't know how you feel
But I'm asking just in case
If you saw me in a crowd
Would you say my name out loud
Or would you let me be just another face

I'm a mixed drink
Half desperation
Half infatuation
Drink me
I want to taste me on your lips when we kiss
I'll become intoxicated
The fermentation
A bittersweet sensation
Love me
Allow yourself to be susceptible to alcoholism
Because I'm a mixed drink
Half desperation
Half infatuation
And nobody likes to drink alone

This isn't a poem about love
It's about the way i obsess about my phone if you don't reply
But
It isn't about love
It's about how my heart races faster and faster as I approach you in the hall
But
It isn't about love
It's about how you're name rolls oh so smoothly off my tongue
But
It isn't about love
It’s about how you turned the corner right before I said hello
But
It isn't about love
It’s about how you left me on read last night
But
It isn't about love
It’s about how I saw you with the other girl you said you didn't like
But
It isn't about love
It’s about how you lied
It's about how you made me feel inside
And how I cried
And all my trust in you died
And how I tried
And how you didn't
Now this poem isn't about love
Because I believe if I truly loved you
You wouldn't make me so unhappy
And scared
And sad
Now this poem isn't about love
It's about all the things love isn't

Isabel
Child of perseverance
Who loves goofy grins, introspection and self-expression
Who hates glossy eyes, needles and misunderstandings
Who wants to go wherever the world will take her
Who wishes she could of met the carefree version of herself that may of never existed
Who is scared of uncomfortable situations
Who dreams of tomorrow in black and white
Who is determined to make it past today
Who values honesty, equality and unconditional love
Who is proud of the path she has chosen due to the fact that it lead her here
Who graduated from her stereotypical social class
Who lives in the bindings of her mind
Daza

Psy•cho•sis
(Noun)
a very serious mental illness that makes you behave strangely or believe things that are not true. It makes you see things that aren’t there… It makes you feel things that aren’t real… It makes you go insane. You watch the sanity leave your body. Slowly and painfully, the world around you becomes less and less real. Everyday you fake it, until one day… You just break.

Rain is a beautiful thing
It hides my tears
Rain is a beautiful thing
I feel myself relax from my fears
Rain is a beautiful thing
Washes the dirt away
Rain is a beautiful thing
The hope is someone will stay
Rain is a beautiful thing
From me a happy reaction
Rain is a beautiful thing
It’s the perfect distraction
Rain is a beautiful thing
It helps me feel well
Rain is a beautiful thing
Even though no one caught me when I fell
Rain is a beautiful thing
Even at night when I hurt
Rain is a beautiful thing
It shows I do have self worth
Rain is a beautiful thing
I just need some help
Rain is a beautiful thing
I can’t do this all by myself…

So here I am
I admit to you
Rain helps me
And it will help you too
Rain gives me joy
It helps me sing
Trust me my friend
Rain truly is a beautiful thing

I don't want to relapse
But honestly I don't care
I want it drink *****
I have nothing to lose
I want someone to **** me
And pull my hair

I want to never eat again
Or run far far away
I want to cut my body into a million pieces
I want to be ashamed

I want to eat 4 pizzas
And I want to cry
I want to sleep for a week
And I want to die

I never want to bathe myself
And I never want to leave my house
But I want to never be alone
And I want a family and a spouse

I don't give a **** about my grades
Just leave me by myself
I just want to get out and party
But I also have a gun hidden on the bookshelf

I want to drive my car
And never stop
I want to do ******* drugs
And get arrested by the cops

I want to cut off all my hair
Get tattoos and piercings
I want to become a ******
I want to jump off a building

I want to get help
But perhaps
This time I'll die
And have it be my last relapse

Our country ridden with mental and physical disease
To stop another beating, begging "Daddy won't you please"
Clothes too tight, fabric too thin
Gain acceptance from your classmates by showing more skin

Hatred is thick in the air, you can cut it with a knife
Children screaming on the playground yelling "end your life!!!"
Cutting each other in line for an entrance into heaven
What happened to the unity after the Boston Bombing and 9/11?

Bashing our forefathers, in liberty we pretend
Behind closed doors little girls scar their wrists again
We are balanced through imbalance, choosing looks over school
Repeating ugly words thinking this is what makes you cool

Crazy is no longer subjective; it’s either black or it’s white
Ignorance is bliss but it isn't ignoring what's right
Locked up by these chains, “My country tis of thee”
I'm staring at a sick corrupt page, better known as society.

Darling,
asking me to explain why I love you
is like asking me to describe the color red...
Because no one can quite articulate
and it has never,
ever
been said.
You still say.
Every day.
"If you truly love me darling,
describe the color red."