Disgusting
the way your hands feel down my back
as if they are made of sand paper,
giving me a rash that just won't go away
i feel hopeless
each scream i make goes unheard
each movement i make only makes you tighten your grip
until i can no longer breath and everything goes blurry

Disgusting
even after it's over
i still feel your tight grip around my arms
invisible hands linger and no matter how many times i shower
i cannot wash this unclean feeling from my body
i'm trapped inside a shell
thats covered in the traumatic memory of you

Disgusting
even in my dreams
you lurk around every corner
turning the moments that once made me happy
into something sinister and more horrific
i don't when ill be able to breath again without feeling so
*Disgusting

In this moment,
I am held by the simplest of forces.
One that takes control of my senses,
reaching from sight to touch.
Every cell is taught,
like a string pulled too tight.
Each breath is sharp,
like i'm being strangled by my own tongue.
Lack of oxygen impairs my thoughts,
as if i'm drunk without drinking.
It feels as though i'm locked in an arm-bar,
but I cannot summit so I black out.  
Consumed by the negative,
forever reaching for the positive.
Words and actions are constantly intertwined
with worry
I tell myself to breath,
but the grip it has on my throat is tight.
Squeezing down on my breath,
my mind,
my body,
my senses,
until the blackness is all that's left.
I have been here for an eternity,
yet why hasn't anything changed.
I search aimlessly for a exit,
grasping at nothing but air.
My lungs are lifeless and
i feel like there is no hope.
In that moment,
I blink back to reality.
Mere seconds have passed,
the world is still whole and spinning.
Nothing has changed,
everything is where i had left it.
Broken and yet whole once more,
i pick myself up and try to carry on.
I can now check this off my to do list,
and prepare for tomorrows moment.

© Holly Owen 2016

It's similar to a pill,
one that's just too
big to swallow.
Yet, you force yourself
to drag it down past your lips.
Like these words that seek
escape from your mind,
you hold them back against
the steal bars your
brain has created.
Willing with every
inch of your body
to not let go and expose
an empty vessel.
There is no stone cold heart
nor a warm blood filled one
just space consumed by the dark.
Emptiness isn't completely
empty as nothing
completely fills a void.
Alcohol and the bliss form drugs
only has a hold for so long
until those same words
press harder against your lips.
Needing to see the light of day.
Wanting to flee this
hole that nothing can fill.
Yearning for the
compassion from
another and yet
you still cannot feel.
Words you want to say fall flat
as emotion that should
accompany them is vacant.
You cannot win this fight
against yourself.
Nor can someone else fight
on your behalf.
Just push on and pray
the sun peaks through clouds,
just enough to breath.

as the wind gently kisses the leaves
and the sky slowly transforms
into the calming night
i begin to wonder if he ever cared.
he never once truly expressed
love or hurt to any word i said.
he always remained so collected
and mindful towards his words and actions.
he still yelled
he still screamed
he still attempted to change my fews
and yet those caring words "i love you"
still passed his lips .

he said he loved me

i always wondered why he pretended
to tell me that i was his one and only.
why every moment we spent together
he remained immersed in the digital world
and never once expressed any interest in my life.
i yelled
and i screamed
i still told him that i loved him
i meant ever word that passed my lips
and yet he never flinched or stirred.

he said he loved me

bruises
tears
fear
anger
love
happiness
sadness
all fluttered across my face
and yet i still meant every "i love you"
that fell from my lips.

why wasn't
he honest

this fragile heart remains in a constant state of hurt
and yet it still searches for someone or something.
the idea of finding a soul that is strong enough to heal
is what allows this heart to stretch so thin.
what if no one comes?
what if no one is strong enough to help?
what IF the idea of finding love is a dream that we ourselves have created.
maybe love does not exist and never has but because of society and the unrelenting effect that the media has on this generation, we created demented images and ideas about love.

a fragile heart is only as delicate as we make it seem and even still,
we search
we hurt
we open doors to the soul that we wish remained shut
we allow ourselves to be consumed but another
we make ourselves weak and fragile for love
but in the end,
what does it mean to love and be loved?

a touch
a look
a simple word
causes my whole body to freeze.
a shock wave sent through my body
unable to move
i am not afraid.
i invite this feeling inward and
i allow this emotion to swallow
my soul completely.
i see this light
warm
glowing
eternal
and let my body accept this presence.
i never intend to let this go
i always to want to feel complete
and whole.
for once i feel enough
for once i feel comfortable in my own skin
for once, i have accepted my soul.
as this light fades from my head to my toes
i allow all tension and all fear to
disappear.

gone
dissolved into the dark abyss and yet
i do not regret surrending myself
i feel complete and like all the hurt
was worth it to get to this moment.
i do not need another
i do not crave another
i do not need another to tell me i am good enough.
i need me
my love
my heart
my soul
my acceptance.
for in the end,
once the last word has been said
the last breath has been taken
the only person who will be my side
is me

It is as if I am floating,
floating downwards
at a slow pace.
Mimicking the way
ashes float peacefully
from the height of the fire
towards the cold earth below.
I am glowing dimly
without much purpose
and yet,
I feel alive.
No weight lies upon my shoulders
and thoughts that once
clouded judgment suddenly
reveal a clear void.
The shackles of fear are released
as a calm gentle breeze
guides me so that I am free.
The less I think,
the less I am plagued
by pointless words
that are thrown around aimlessly.
Untouchable I fly,
far beyond the grasps
of negative energy
that has held me down.
I hold no resentments or envy
for now,
I am at peace.
No longer afraid of demons
that once lived within,
I have learned to let go and exist.
I cope with the faults and negatives but ,
thrive off of the positive that
I have chosen for me.

A past long forgotten,
lost within the turmoil of a human mind.
Buried deep beneath run-on sentences and ideas.  
Left behind for good,
until one day i'll sift through.

How many times do I have to say

That I can’t do this for another day

The things you’ve said

Have stayed in my head

This nightmare that’s never ending

You say I’m fat but you say I’m thin

You’ve said I’m ugly and don’t fit in

You tell me I’m beautiful but say I’m not use full

This is a nightmare that’s never ending

I wake up and I don’t want to leave my home

I’m scared in case that you aren’t alone

Burses that line my legs and arms

Isn’t something that can be left unharmed

I wish I had said something before

The way you looked at me outside my door

That face that haunts me more and more

I feel unwanted I feel so scared

I wish that everything was only a dare

But now I’m dead and it’s all you fault,

I’ve been abused and it’s called assault

Lost

as i remove myself
from society
from each passing gaze
and each long-winded status update,
i noticed that i am now an on looker
watching myself
from a distance.
each fleeting moment
with each passing hour,
the thoughts flutter
across my face.
unsure of what to say
or how to feel.
a quick chill
sweeps through my body
causing my mind to notice
each inch
each muscle
each never
that is part of my existence.
i feel my self falling
tumbling down a
dark abyss.
not knowing
what will await me
once i hit the other side.
that is when i see *you

you extend your
long slender arms
hoping to find
my small boney fingers.
the look in your eyes
explains each emotion
you are unable to mention.
it is not sadness or fear
but uncertainty and longing to understand.
you long for
my touch
my love
my kiss
and the assurance that i will never leave.
those dark warm eyes are
like a warm hug that
surrounds my whole body.
even after all this time,
you still amazing me
and yet i remain here.
i remain a hollow corps
that has let it's soul run wild
and constantly forgets
how to live.
i remain

*lost

I crave your touch:
The way your body feels
when pressed against mine.
I lust for that escape you provide me
as you move your gentle
hands over my curves.
Although your soft kisses
send sensations down my spine,
I crave more;
like the way an addict craves their drug.
Beneath this ****** desire
lies something deeper,
meaningful and genuine.
You're hands are warm
when pressed on my skin,
and I feel safe.
The attention your provide me
is undivided as if the world is blurry
and I am in focus.
I am similar to a centre piece in your
mass creation called life.
A privilege I hold close,
that I fully accept, and am honoured
to be chosen.
Between the vivid lifestyle
we live behind closed
and romance viewed by others,
lust and love fuse creating our life,
together.

fleeting moments turn into minutes,
minutes gather into hours,
hours morph into days,
days slowly transform into weeks,
weeks blend to form months,
months accumulate into years,
and yet I am still suffering.
the wounds are still
wide open.
so deep, they expose my withered soul
and the amount of bandaids
still can't cover this gapping hole.
how do i heal?
how do i learn to live in peace
after spending an eternity
at the front line of a war.
a war that i fought alone
against an army who's only purpose
was destroy the flame in my heart.
a flame that you ignited
you created
and yet you left it unattended.
Immersed in flames i watched the world
fall apart.
burning slowly into ash
i let the wind take hold .
i allowed myself to be pushed
and pulled into which ever direction
with out knowing the destination.
still plagued by the simple thoughts of
love
loss
hate
happiness
i watched the flame burn out
i surrendered to a relentless army
i let the wound fester
and i remained silent
as moments transformed in minutes.

I fell into a deep abis,
But today, no one noticed.
I laughed at myself until the tears rolled down my cheeks,
But today, no one noticed.
I allowed my thoughts to swallow my soul until I could longer feel,
But today, no one noticed.
Today, no words feel my lips and no thoughts were expressed but still, I was slowly dying and no one noticed.

It's been awhile
since we talked,
and even then
no words were spoken.
nothing needed to be said
because your presence
bore it all.
Like the way
cigarette smoke
clings to your clothes
and no matter
how many times
you wash them,
the smell fades very little,
your mark has been
left untouched.
Addiction is a curse
and yet you wear it like
the fancy suit
you rented
for your sisters wedding.
no worries flicker
Across your eyes
because you know
all to well
that in the end
nothing will matter.
You've been here
before in a dream.
You witnessed
the suit being destroyed
by cigarette smokes
and the unspoken truth
and still you allow
life to pass you by.
no effort to go forth
and make change.

Wasting time,
wasting energy,
wasting my emotions on you.  
you throw words around aimlessly!
somehow your manipulating voice
makes each little word
seem like not even the stars
could outshine me.
you have developed this skill
over years and only now,
you realize how much power you hold.
Without hesitation i watch the compliments
float from your lips
to my ears; not once do i second guess.
not once do i allow my brain to fully
sift through these phrases to find the
lies that are buried beneath.
I surrender myself like a prisoner
who's facing the gallows,
allowing life to pass me by because in that moment;
i felt immortal
with your words
behind me.