I know it's hard to believe,
But I've never fallen into love.
No really, I've never fallen.
It's always been more like
Drowning.

While others gently dive in,
Barely disturbing the surface,
And then relax as they calmly float in their warm bath of emotion.
I cannonball.
To the bottom.
And as love is dispersed all over the other patrons, disturbing their peaceful swims.
I force my face to the surface.
Gasping, pleading.
For another breath.
Then as if i am grabbed by the ankle,
My head goes under again,
My fingers grasp at anything,
Hoping, praying.
That something solid might materialize at their tips,
I continue this pattern of bob and flail.
Never finding a rhythm.
Disturbing those floating near by.
Until the thought comes to mind,
As I receive stares from others
Who pass judgment on me through their piercing pupils,
"Maybe I'm doing this wrong?"

I search, but I rarely find
The reasons they say that I'd be fine

Fine is perspective I say with a wink
First amused then confused they stop and they think
"What does he mean," they say through closed teeth.
I'll tell you what I think and believe
See no one ever gets out of life alive
So I find it inexplicable why someone would try.

That might seem negative in practice or thought
But life hands out lemons or so I've been taught
But the second half of that statement I never have bought
Don't make lemonade be happy with the lemons you've got
Cuz each one you get teaches you something you see.
Just embrace life for itself what will be, well, will be.

Some risk the now for future's sake
Spend all their time planning just to get raked
Over the coals by the pressure they've placed
On themselves trying to force their lives into shape
I learned early on that square pegs just don't fit
In round holes, so what's the point in forcing it.

Life ebbs and flows, steals, lies and cheats.
If you aren't ready for its storms you'll be blown off your feet
To weather the storms of lightning and sleet
You'll need recover regroup and repeat,
The lessons you learned when you were so young.
Yes, plan a future but in the now, please, have fun.

We've carved tunnels through our hearts
   That led from lie to lie
  We've seen many forms of love,
But never eye to eye.**
      
     I lay hope with each breath
That you'll remain mine
         *My Shelter, my Renmar,
My Partner in Crime

Talking to the mirror I done learned some things
  About self preservation
Who I see myself as and if I'll make it
          I stand here naked
With no protection
    Just my reflection coaching me
      All I see is these scars
Vanity lights reminiscent of cars approaching me
     I traffick myself in words
You read every inch from the drivers side
A little sniff
My standard's stiff and I'm firm handed when I write
Guess it comes out ******* white
                            Paper
Lines later I'm in the shower sitting on the floor
The water hits and I'm gripping on the door but I'm slipping trying to soar
I can't escape, can't fly away
But I've given so much of myself there's not enough to sell
I can't reup on myself
      So I'll stand here staring at my face
And figure how to keep what's left of my heart in it's place.

Frost on your window
     Heartbeat off tempo
     Don't wanna open the door too scared what you're in for
     You've been here before
     But it's never hit so close to home
     You don't know if you need to be held
     Or just be left alone

But come in girl, I swear it's warm inside
If you can't take it baby, we'll both go hide
Tell me what you're thinking, I've been around
In a room full of frowns, you still put it down

     Calls on your phone
     Letters at home
     They used to not talk, now they've missed you so long
     But they just can't make it
     Their time has been taken
     And your stuck here waiting
     Circumstances won't change just

*Let me in girl, I promise, just confide
I can take it, I've got nothing to hide
Tell me what you been thinking, baby I've been around
In a room full of frowns, I'll still hold you down

I just want to be known
I need to be heard
I just want people to remember my name
I'd love to make a difference
     in at least one person's life
I would like my words to resonate within
         at least one soul
I'd love for my rhymes to be the flow
    in which at least one heart beats
I need my life to mean something
I want my poetry to matter
        To anyone
          To  everyone
              To somebody
   To at least one single person