I'm not losing hope
In you
Just me
It's always me

Being with you is hard
When I want so much more
And I always go home sad
I wish it wasn't like that

The ride home is cold
I plug in and stare out the window
At the darkening clouds
Gravel crunches and we are
Here
House
Grey and painted with our mistakes
Step outside then back in
Bare feet on the floor
Not happy but comfortable
Unpack mother's things
Fold bags and put pieces in place
No one follows
Peek out the door and
Headlights are still on
A dark mist in the
Driver's seat
Angry
And brooding
Tip toe downstairs
No one is fooled by me
I kiss and tell
As I realight the steps
A door creaks open
I have be caught
I have been found

Life is good
With them in tow
Tonight was one of
The best times of my life
I don't regret a thing
I'll never regret a thing

im sick
blown full of holes then
congested
heat and cold
are my sun and moon
the night and day
a switch flippedv within seconds
the whole nine yards\
but the only yards of mine
are the tendrils of sickness
laid out like racetrack down my tongue
into my inner systems

The anxiety hasn't been this strong in a long time
Hasn't been so overwhelming
Since I knew that I could leave you

You're one of two paths
Rough and sometimes rewarding
But does it ever end
Away from the heartache
I can't see around that bend
Maybe I never will

The other option is out
Taking steps to undrown
And do I want to
Do I want to
I don't want to leave you behind

It's been so long since I've been so crushed
By someone who knows they're a noose
I can't decide if I want to live or die
Anymore

I guess things are still going after all
My heart keeps beating
And for now, so does yours
We're not in time but
We're talking again
That's enough for my hopes to climb
And my mouth to smile
Parted lips let the words fall out
We kept it closed until now
Now, you still see your other friends
But we're walking again

I can pretend for a while
I can push you out of my mind
Or at least to the back
So I can comfortably rest
But you always come back
In a moment of lull
When the world slows down
I remember your eyes
How you stared into mine
And how you didn't

I feel all the ways
You look right through me
Hunting so carefully
For the pieces of me
That you want to tease
Never quite responding
I get it, that you don't want me
So just climb through me
Treat me like your trellis
Grow all your beans
And morning glories
Up through the holes
That you've left in me

I'm so tired
So, so tired
So I'm going back to this style
One long sentence
Way too messy
To truly be
Much of anything
It's all I have
Right now

I don't know
What to do
About you
As much as I want you
I know
Oh how I know
That there's nothing out there
There's nothing for us
There's nothing in me
That matches up
To your missing
Puzzle piece

Maybe that's it
You aren't missing anything
Well I'm missing lots
Missing someone
With whom
I can truly talk
I've never truly had someone
I haven't even
Really come close
But I can dream
And I do
Just not of you

It's our music tastes
I suppose
I spend way too much time
Searching Spotify
For new music
A new playlist
Every week
And you're happy
Right where you are
Sixteen artists
You didn't get very far
But you're happy
Or, at least
Content enough to stay
Where you are
Maybe you're too scared to move
I get that too
Just not with music

I'm never done searching
For who I could be
Maybe I'll never finish
I'll just roam forever
Growing and changing
Shapeshifting
Never the same
From day to day
There'll be
No sense of consistency
Maybe that's what you need

I can't read minds
But I can read
And from what
I can see
We're different

What is too much?

Everyone wants to
Be exceptional
But no one wants to
Be the hypocrite
Who made it that way

I'm missing this idea of you
The idea I had a while ago
I never really wanted anything
It was just a crush
A stupid, meaningless crush
But now I'm overthinking
Trapped inside dungeon walls
I built just for myself
I'm playing my own game
Unwillingly
Tears barely contained
Behind this messy and unconvincing facade
I wonder if my family is worried
Though I'm mostly worried for myself
Things won't get bad again
I'll sing myself to sleep
And fall in love with dreams
Of being with someone
Lying quietly against their shoulder
Rolling out my legs and
Falling asleep to bad tv

Things keep going
Even if you don't
You might be a fallen empire
But you and your followers
Are the only ones fallen
It sends out an impact
A ripple of emotion
That falls on mostly dead ears
And fades, in the end

Trees still grow in your absence
Kids still go to school
Even when the desk in the back
Right by the window
Is full no more
And the seasons will change
Flowers will bloom and
People will slough off
Their sweaty tee shirts
As your body grows old
Underground and in memory

You are gone but the world goes on
Things keep going

I'm lukewarm and lost
Peacefully floating
Tethered only
To the rhythmic swaying of my legs
Propped up on top of each other
Staring at the white walls
But too far away to really register
The spinning of the clock hands
The passing of all my time

Morning light
Might as well be midnight
You're asleep and I'm
By the window again
Watching shadows in the trees
Light on leaves and
Shadows
Leaving my body

Are they demons
Of mine
Fleeing for shelter
From summer light
Might as well
Bask while it
Lasts
They'll be back

Scared of the night
Isn't really my style
Shining out lights
Locking up windows
To keep myself out
Wishing that
All those days
Has killed more

I'm not suicidal but
Part of this
Needs to end

School *****
Without you
Seriously
Biology is awful
I know you don't care
But I want to see you again

I do love her
Quietly
I wish it had snowed
Out on the roof
So I could've seen the delicate flakes
Land on her eyelashes

So it isn't effortless
I feel like I'm trying
Bumbling blindly
Wondering if she'll still love the real me

Maybe it just takes getting used to
My prom-fueled idealistic
Concept of soulmates
Really has no place
In a world where a small apartment
Is the best I'll ever get
But I fell in love with her
Not the taste of money
A split fast hard crash romance
Is not what I asked for

And if this is what love is like
I could get used to it
I wish I could call her in the morning
Or even better
Wake up next to her
I feel like she'll be the one
The first one I really talk to
About what he did to me
And what I did to him

So if this is what love's like
I don't mind
I'll spend my time with her
Laughing at the cars
That pass on the street
A ****** suburban sun dream
Sitting on a roof with her
Thrift shopping and walking
Hand in hand
Arms around each other in the end
So shameless
So carelessly together
Not afraid of who sees
I know it's what I want
Maybe it's what I need

End of the road
So they say
A cliff's edge
Nothing below but
The frothing sea
Waiting on a whim
To be blown away by the wind
Never knowing what you'll see
That your last breath could be your first
That there's a million stars out there
All glistening
Like the tears on your mother's face
When she watches your coffin
Lowered into your grave
The dew droplets
On the front lawn
Of a little house somewhere
Home to a girl and her dogs
A girl who survived the fall

It's been over a year now
Soon to be two
And I'm still thinking about you
I don't really look for you anymore
I don't fantasize about seeing you as often
I'm moving on
To different things
But I still want to see you again

Would you even recognize me
With my short hair
And slightly different body
I picture seeing you on the street
In your jeans and t-shirt
Me in leggings and a Manson hoodie
Our eyes meet and you recognize me
Maybe we even speak
Exchange telephone numbers and
Arrange to see each other again

But plans fall through
And it won't happen anyways
I missed you by mere seconds
Maybe one more day
Just one more day
Would've been enough
But you had already lost me
I was already gone

You are fading away
Your face is a blur
Your words are a static murmur
Your voice is an echo
Your mind is letting go

Crushed
I'm crushed
Ground down
To the finest dust
Waiting to be blown away
Bury me in skies
Anywhere
That isn't here

You make me happy
You make me feel alive
You are the antithesis
Of my dead end
You're fiercer than a pack of wolves
My love
You'll go great places someday

Friendship is
A cold nose thing
Middle of the winter
Huddling in coats
Under trees
Dripped on by rain
That kind of thing
Wet socks from
Running
In Pacific weather
Thing
Laughing at each other
Because we can barely
Put our hair up
Thing
Sharing deodorant and
Pictures we drew
In the back of
Language Arts
Kind of thing
It's a petty kind
Of thing
Leaving t-shirts at
Their house
Kind of thing
Never giving that
Necklace back
Kind of thing
Everything they have
Is now yours too
It's almost like
Marriage but
A little less insane
And when they lose
You do too
And we always lose
In life or in death
Or in pain
Or in distance
Or in hatred
Or in love
There's loss
And I've lost
Them all

I laughed today
Sin after sin
Watching the bombs fall
Through frosted bathroom glass
Before it exploded inwards
I was okay

The night is thick and heavy
Oppressive on my skin
And there's a whisper in the pine trees
That things will change
Oh things will change

Cold pebbled flesh
Arms raised behind our heads
Coming into a spring
Of our own likeness
Sprouting leaves
Painting over our mistakes in green

The time has come to bury
To count loses and move on
Pave over empty streets
Houses turned to cemeteries
Fill in the cracks
With recycled riches
We call that freedom, don't we

I hate that
Every conversation
With you
Is just
A conversation
With myself

K
Yea
Lol
***
Look
Wow
Oof

We probably shouldn't talk. I can say all that to myself. I don't need you to do it for me.

It's been two days
Since I knew
That I temporarily
Lost you
To yourself
I guess
I won't text
I won't want
To call you
Anymore
Day two
And I already miss you

Lost and all
Alone inside
A darkened room
I've never seen
But I know
How it is
Doing the things
You never
Wanted and
Asking the
Sky how this
Came to be
Falling apart
From all the
Mistakes that
You didn't
Mean to
Make and
Watching the
World so far
From your
Home but
This isn't the
End and I
Swear to every
God I've
Never believed
In that I
Won't give
Up on you

Pale lights
Strike down around me like moonfire
I wonder how they're doing
I wonder how they're doing

Will my words someday
Be enshrined in the tombs
Of thousand letter books
Where will I be then

And will they embalm me
In book awards and fame
I don't think so
I'm not all that much
I''m not all that special

There is something wrong
But what?
There is something wrong
But what?
THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOU
WRONG WITH YOU
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
THIS ISN'T YOU
**** IT
**** IT
HELP
help me
I can't get out
I can't escape this
ESCAPE
GET OUT
GET OUT
GET OUT
THIS PERSON IS NOT YOU
THIS IS WRONG
**** THIS CREATURE
**** IT
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT
PLEASE
LET ME LEAVE
I'M SICK
I'M SICK
I DON'T WANT TO DIE
I DON'T WANT TO DIE LIKE THIS
HELP
ME
PLEASE
HELP
**** IT
**** THIS
RUN
GET OUT
RUN NOW
RUN
RUN
feet on wooden rungs
RUN
GET OUT
LEAVE
**** IT
look for the plastic break
HELP ME
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
HELP ME
HELP ME
HELP ME
fingers glitter red and gold
HELP
**** IT
THAT ISN'T ME
I AM NOT HER
I DO NOT RECOGNIZE HER
**** IT
**** IT
IT WON'T STOP
IT WON'T GET OUT
IT WON'T LEAVE
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET ME GO
LET
ME
go

over
it is over
quiet
empty
numb
it burns a bit
don't mind
quiet
can finally sleep
nothing
nothing
nothing

Things get better
They always do, with you
I know there's still plenty of time
To fall all the way apart
But for now
For now
Things could be worse

I'm an ugly disaster
So stop writing me
I'm not worth it
I don't deserve it
At the end of the day
I'm still the same
I'm the girl who
Made the attempt
Who sat alone and wept
So stay away
My depression is
Contagious and you're
Too good for me

Some days, I just want to disappear
I wake up with that sinking feeling
Of nothingness, heavy in my chest
And I long to float away
Fall from out of the sky and spend my life
Shattered on the rocks of my own making
I wish I could be unborn
Bury myself beneath the leaves
And find myself unseen
But the forest is a long walk from here
So I drown myself in layers of loathing
Swaddling up my physical form
Until no one dares to look at me
I'm too pitiful, I'm a disgrace
I don't deserve all the staring eyes
I don't want to be recognized
Not anymore, at least

It's hard not
To see my bones and
Wonder
If there is more
Where they came from
Deep down
Beneath my skin
Who knows
How many skeletons
Are buried in my soil

Waking up
From silent reverie
With twigs
In my hair
Loose jeans
Caked in mud
How long was I
Out of my mind
How can
I go back

I couldn't be less seen
If I was invisible
The air crushes inwards
Like I'm buried under the sea
I'm disassociating slowly
Floating away
Into cyberspace
While people argue semantics
I walk slowly away

Today I'm stepping up to the plate
Look of determination on my face
I'm not giving up this time
Because all the cracks that they made
All the dents in my facade
Can't hurt me now
That the lies are all gone
I'm coming out today
With all my guns blazing
Shooting down the hate
That used to feel like home

With one breath
Caught in my chest
Whoever knew
That noon
Would be my darkest hour?

And the best part is
This isn't that bad
I've suffered worse
I've cried myself to sleep
Now I'm not numb
Just stunned
By what I was
Too blind to see

the disconnect between the world as it is and the world as i wish it was is so harsh sometimes.
my head hurts.
my hands tremble.
i can feel a lump in my throat and whether it's tears or puke doesn't really matter anymore.
i want to fade out of existence again.
i'm shaking so badly that i think i might fall apart.
shake out the pins and nails that hold this shoddy framework together.
this shouldn't be a big deal.
this isn't new.

It's funny how the bad things last
I could spend a year
Sitting in my veins
Pleading to any god
And everything would be the same
So seventh months later
How different am I?
Is my mind finally healed?
Are the scars finally fading?
Or am I destined
To be
Forever and always
Broken

We are the rise and fall of cities
So carelessly demanded
Sheathed by night
Gilded with stars that lend us
The illusion that our world
Is still whole and beautiful

What a cyclical facade
This seems to be
All faded tones of rose and gold
From our first light
To the fall of the last empire
We are but wounds

And just like that
I'm alone again
The truth is so bitter
Beating against my face
The wings of a battered dove
Singing for escape
They say that I am not worthy
That I put all my faith
In one face

And even as I spoke
I felt my defeat
Seeping into me
Through the cracks
I swore I sealed up
Last year when
I passed this
Same problem
For the hundredth time

And now as I sit
Plagued by chills
The spiders that skitter
Up and down my spine
Reaping lumps
In my flesh
I feel nothing
But the same thing
I've been pretending
For so many years

I love you
But only as a friend
Maybe a little less than that
It's a love from a worn out past
And it's fading
More now than ever before

You are kind
And I am strong and beautiful
Perhaps our paths diverge here
Not out of malice
Or ill will
Just differences
And the growth of two trees
In different directions

Should I just change
Cut you off
Cut you out
I don't know if I can do this anymore
The good times are good
But this sinking feeling never goes away for long
I'm never alone
Never without you
Plaguing my thoughts
I dream about you and
It makes me so tired
I wish it would all go away
The feelings
The obsessive thoughts
Why won't you disappear from my life
Pull away
Slowly
Why do you do this to me

Love the way
She's so rumpled
Crumpled from the hours
Spent on
The back of the couch

Sleep
I wish I could sleep
Sew my eyelids shut
And never seen the stain
Of the world
Reflected in my retinas

Tossing and turning
Strangled by all my sheets
All the things
I don't know how to forget
I regret
Just about everything
These days

Melt myself
To fit the mold
Crafted of pillows
Liquify
All my insides
To drain into this place
Never look out again

I want to get tattooed someday
Maybe it's masochism
Maybe it's self love
Covering up my scars or
Painting on my body
Showing myself that I am something that can be beautiful
Skin is canvas
In the sense that it weathers
Changes over time
Bears the cloth of the owner's actions
But it is not canvas
It does not exist solely to be impressed upon
Skin holds the soul
Binds together our flesh and bones
So what if I paint it
Blue and black and bleeding red
A pattern of roses across my chest
It's just another tale
Another consequence of my actions
Stitched into my physicality
Like freckles and moles and stretch marks
If it helps me love myself, then what's the point?

reading all those things
yeah that was a mistake
it's not like i haven't made mistakes before
but i thought i was better than this
or maybe they thought i was better than this
did i ever get better
or has this all just been lies
me trying to wait it out
so i can go back to my life
what's the sense in that
i'm here because i hated that life
or it hated me
i'm not sure anymore
either way
i wanted to escape
and now that things are better
i want to go back
i need to go back
not really but my options
are running low
i hate to think that i thought i found the answer
which turned out to be another game
as fun as that is
i'm tired of this ****
and i want to go home
but i'm already here
i just want to stop
to give up and let go
of all the things i convinced myself of
locked in my paper crate room
did it even make a difference
that's what i keep asking myself
do i just have to try harder
or am i completely ******
is this it
am i just not meant for life
is that how this is
i have things to do today
and i hate them
because as much as i wish i could go back in time
i know this truth
that nothing would be better
things would change
yeah they'd change a lot
but not for the better
because honestly
i hated myself as much back then as i do now
and even before that
before the winter ended
i still liked myself
more than i do now
i had something going for me
that's what i tell myself
if i could go back in time
i would change everything
i would try out for a different team
i would never have broken up with them
i would've tried to figure things out
i would've joined my friend
at that stupid art program
i would've ******* held on to the friends
that i managed to lose
so swiftly and ungracefully
i...
i don't know what i would've done
about him
in an ideal world
we never would've met
in an ideal world...
that year would've never happened
but the further back i go
the more i try to fix
the more i begin to realize that **** has been going wrong
for so ******* long
that i couldn't fix this if i tried
so what went wrong
i can blame a couple of things
but it doesn't explain it all
maybe nothing can explain
the chemical side
maybe i was just born to be ****** up
i wish i hadn't been born at all
it would've been much easier
if my older brother would've lived
maybe if i
had been born as him
things would've been better
i'd be a senior
gearing up for life
i'd probably be smart and tall
maybe ugly but probably not
i'd probably like girls and guys
just like i do now
i'd go to a good college
like my parents wanted me to
not some **** school in maine
that anyone can get into
i'd make everyone proud
and i'd beat up my sister's exes
if they ****** with her
and i'd do my best
i'd give her better advice
because she likes guys and i'd be a guy
and maybe things wouldn't be as ******
with my dad
but then again maybe they'd be worse
maybe he wouldn't've been gone so much
maybe a little boy would've been
enough to make him stay
maybe they never would've
fought in the first place
maybe i would've been everything
i am not today
maybe i would've been happy
maybe that's who i was meant to be
but i'm not
i'm not him
and i'm stuck with this life
at some other point
that would've made me strong
knowing that i get to play with the cards
i've been dealt
but now it just makes me want
to throw in the towel
to say i've had enough
because i have
i've had far too much
and nothing ever changes
and **** never gets better
and i'm still the hopeless wreck i've been
since i was a little girl
i don't regret anyone
or anything
other than myself
this has been
my sad ***** rant
if you read it all
i'm sorry
go somewhere else
this page is not a happy place to be

She does so much for me
Birthed me and took me
Out to see the sun
Raised me in a meadow
Of daisies and green
Lulled me to sleep
In the shady wake
Of a weeping willow tree
Those gnarled roots
And twisted tongues
Of emerald flame
Will never not
Be home to me
She is gone
Or perhaps I am
Still there are sights
Of her shadow
Long off in the woods
I am just a burden
On her gentle
Nymph's hand

When will it all
Come crashing down
Around my ****** heels
When will it end
When will I sit
In the hospital again
When will I finally give in
To the nighttime cries
Of demons I try
Not to recognize
When will the light go out
Flicker and melt
To the ground
When will I fall
For the devil I
See in dreams
When will it end
This perfect nightmare
When will too much
Finally become enough
To push me over the edge
When will summer end
When will I end
Again

Don't know what to say
Other than you're my new aesthetic
And the music that we play
Has me up all night long
Dancing in my room
Like I don't know how to die
'Cause your stupid smile
Has me laughing too
As our 2000's dance moves
Clear out the room
We feel too much like magic
Too much like chemistry
I hope the way I look at you
Is the same way you look at me