It's been a year since I had a drink,
but three months since I had a cigarette

Each day I feel myself slowly fading away,
and I am scared I'll end up slipping back into my old ways.

The panic attacks at night come back,
and all I need is a way to rant.

I turn the music on full volume,
because I need something louder than the voices in my head.

I stare at my bedroom walls till past 2a.m on a school night,
I blame insomnia, but my mind is the reason why.

I can't stop myself from thinking back to when I actually slept at night,
and when my hands didn't shake all day long,

I feel like I am just a pair of eyes,
watching as the world goes by.

I am just a bystander,
while everyone keeps moving.

I started to feel nothing again,
letting things go on while I stood still.

I constantly always heard the cliche saying that nothing lasts forever and eventually all things come to an end. For so long I never cared and in the past I didn’t care about anything that happened to or around me, I was simply living like a bystander and I was nothing more than a pair of eyes watching things come and go. Even when my grandmother died, I was always told that “everybody dies in the end” and that made me wonder why all of this matters. Why do we try so hard when in the grand scheme of things, we’re all going to end up just a memory to those we left our mark on, and even memories fade. I asked myself this question for quite a long time and even now I think about it, an answer that I have yet to fully give myself. It took a long time before I realized that the point is to leave those marks. I read a book about a year ago that made me come to this realization and start to appreciate the fact that while I am alive, I should focus on living instead of dying. The book made me understand that we all leave a mark on this world and some people spend years trying to find what they really want. I don't want to just be content. I don’t have my memories rush back to me as I still fear dying . I don’t want realized I never actually lived.  Filled with every mistake and missed opportunity. I don’t want to regret not following my dreams because the fear of death murdered me before I was even old enough to drive.

Possible sweet childhood memories,
filled with fear of the night.
Children are supposed to fear a fake monster,
not a real one.

This monster didn't hide under the bed,
and he wasn't just in my head.
He was bruises on my legs,
and a ripped up nightgown.

He was an unwanted presence,
and he was more than a nightmare.

I still feel like a child,
scared of a memory that does not fade with age.
I still can't go a night without worrying,
that the monster will return.

"There's no such thing as a painless lesson-they just don't exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can't gain anything without losing something first. Although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you'll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah... a heart made Fullmetal."

Flowers are picked

Buttons are clicked

Strings are twisted

Names are listed

Leaves are falling

People are calling