i know he's not mine
has never been mine

but i wanna be his favorite
the kind of girl he'll never forget
i wanna be the kind of girl
that you can't help but regret
i know i'm nothing special
just another ex
but godfuckingdammit
i wanna be the best

always fighting that urge for control
the urge to break a heart and hold it just out of reach
pull people in and then push them back
keep them just far enough, so they cant help but stay
without ever touching me, or breaking my heart
and turning out more and more
empty, angry, painful people
just. like. me.

paycheck
striped socks
pens & markers
paint spots
scattered beads
bits of trash
empty frame
shattered glass
broken toys
hot glue gun
pink lighter
half a blunt

say that you love me.
take my hand
and say it.
say that you
want to be more
than what we are.
just say
something
anything.
and i'll
just say
yes.

its crazy if you think i would ever leave you
for some cocky ******* (who only wants ***)
or a pretty girl (who's just a friend)
or Her (who broke my heart)
or any other boy, girl, or creature of the sea
that isn't you.
i
love
you.

colors
collide -

we are
mismatched -

bad boy loves
good girl -

bad girl
loves lost boy -

leather and
dyed cotton -

we don't
match

but opposites
attract -

go on
keep doing your thing
keep feeling loved by whoever loves you
keep feeling like a ******* if you want
do whatever, i don't care
keep on keepin' on, as they say
i'll be fine over here, i promise

besides, did you ever want me to be okay?
or did you just want me to live so it wasn't your fault when i died?

i'm done with you
and i'm done with this
bye-bye :)

smoking and vaping and ***
drugs and the internet
television and food
we **** ourselves and each other
we are dying.

i wish you would just
go away
even though im the one following you
i wish you would leave my mind
i wish you could disappear
because being within 50 feet of you
for even a second
hurts like hell
but its all i want

he is bitter
and acid on my tongue

with sugar
(sometimes)

ice clinking
on a crystal glass

i want
so badly
to be

but i don't think
i am

****
fuckfuckfuck

you know
six years ago
i was a freak
a ******

but then you got ****** up too
and now i can be cool

**** that
you made me what i am
i wont change for you

when i die
im dying a freak
a ******

a dead loser
with your heart

when i die
dont put me in a dress
dont make me look alive
dont clean my skin
dont put concealer on my scars
dont close my eyes

bury me with tears staining my cheeks
burn me with my lips bruised
with my skin ***** and my knees scraped
let me die the way i lived
i will not rest in peace
let me rest in chaos

i personally live at night
**** just hits different
after 10:00 PM

lets be those weirdos
in a gas station at 3 am
lets be cool and smooth
lets go on long drives
down dark empty streets
lets live life
in liminal space

everything just feels more possible
like we could really do anything
night has spooky mysterious vibes
lets be spooky and mysterious together

who am i
but the memory of a friend,
a ghost of the girl i could be
when i wrote more than words
a real poet, i was
when i was more of me

her

her smile on a screen
her hand on a pen
her laugh from the passenger seat

we wouldn't have to run away to be happy
we wouldn't have to be falling apart to fall in love

the music and the colors and the movement

her.

if you were
if you could
if you wanted to
then i would
if you knew
and that was it

then i think lightning
just might hit

she gave me a cross
a little wooden one
on a ball chain

naturally,
i sharpened it
and turned it into a weapon.

she held a fragile butterfly
in the palm of her gentle hand
it wings moving,
not the the rapid flutter of flight,
but slowly, considerately.
her dusty colors shifted
like an oil spill over the heavens.
she tried to hold her;
keep her safe.
she loved her inevitably,
for she was innocent.
she never knew
right from wrong,
good and bad,
true evil.
she only knew the ways of the world;
to ****
or be killed.
this fight
is one which will always be lost
on both sides.

it feels like
everything
is slipping away.

tiny red hearts
in a glass jar
silver string
on my skin

plastic promises
are blown away
by her careful smile
once again

did i hurt your feelings?
did i make you cry?
im sorry if you felt alone,
if i made you wanna die.

i cant help it, im just a *****
it's all been said before
im a manipulative little ****
im just a *****.

i dont like being loved
and i'd hate to fall for you too
so i cant help if i hurt your heart,
its kinda just what i do.

we fight
and fight and fight and fight
but you better bet your ***
i'd still talk to you all night long
we'd argue til the world ended
and still, i'd want you in my bed
i could say it over your grave
that this is the last time, i swear
i hate you
i never want to see you again
but still, i always come back for more

in the end
the fights are just that
just a fight

i love you
more than i love
being right

i purge every word in my skull

until my brain is all fuzzy

and i can finally fall asleep

its funny
now that we all hide our faces
(like they were ever real at all)
that everyone seems to care what we look like
when the real masks were inside
and they've been there the whole time

i slept all day.
after you left,
i thought i might cry
or something
but i just felt empty
its like every good thing that happens
must always end in disaster.
but this isn't over
i dont think so at least
maybe
this will work out
i really hope it does
im really sorry you had to be a part of the disgusting mess that is me.

do it
whatever it is
hit me
hurt me
you want to feel something?
lets feel it together
you want it to hurt?
i can make it hurt
whatever you need
take it out on me
instead of yourself

i have no family to live for
no real friends to fall back on
no dreams, no hopes, no future
all of my life
no one has ever wanted me
needed me
i am useless
without you

so whatever you're going through
take it out on me
and go live your life
love your friends
be good for them
and leave the bad with me

they say
everything is made
with a purpose.

i believe
that i was not meant to love
(or be loved)
i was not made to live

maybe my existence
is just a sick ******* joke
that the gods(?) are playing

maybe im meant to be a story
one better told than lived

maybe the world needs something to end
before it begins

maybe i need to die
to let others live

i am a person
built out of lies
look close and you'll see
the decaying of my mind
years of my own mediocrity
has put a fog over my eyes

i'm nothing special
nothing big, nothing great
i'm not even good
i'm something to hate

twisting and turning
hurting and burning
because the world is against you
always
because tall boys can hurt you
good friends can turn you
everything will leave you
with nothing at all

yes, your boyfriend will dump you
your teachers will flunk you
your mother will hate you forever
your coworkers are lazy
the doc thinks you're crazy
religion will call you a freak

i guess if everything is always awful
no matter what you do

go ahead and hate me: im having fun
and you could be having fun too

i like to think
that you think about me
whenever im not around
i like to imagine
that you dream about me
while you're sleeping sound
i like to pretend
that youre missing me
whenever i feel alone
i like to think
that you think about me
even if you dont

His eyes were thick
with unadulterated love
and His arms were a place
that warmth never left.
He is.
yet i could not
call Him
mine.

i hung up my mirror this morning
and i realized
it wasn't my face i saw

not a "pretty girl" anymore
but a woman
the same woman that my mother was
the woman my sisters would be
the woman that i regrettably am.

i saw a person that would no doubt
run from every one of her problems
abandon her life
over and over
until she had nothing left

i saw a face that i had seen in my dreams
in my nightmares
and in life all the same

i took the mirror back down
and broke it

i fell in love with an artist
he painted me the sky with his words
he gave me the world on a box
and in the box he put flower petals and smiles

this one goes out to all the moms
that lost themselves
that gave up hope
or never had any at all
all the moms that left their kids here
all alone on this sick earth
without a heart to lean on
or half a mind to trust
this is to all the moms
that broke their sons heart
or made a girl impossible to love
this to our moms
and to these moms
i say

*******

She is my moon and sun
She pulls my tides
And brings heat to my skin
She fills my darkness
And brightens my skies
And even when there are clouds
I know she is there
Waiting for the storm to fade
For the earth to turn
So I can see
Yet another side of her

busted up box t.v.
broken nose
bruised cheek
hop skip jump
under the bridge
down the street
there's a fairy tree
surrounded with dead bodies

speaking of summer nights
reminds me of warm skin under dark skies
when dreams float heavy in our eyes
connecting your mind to mine
keeping my heart in line