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Dec 2022 · 2.4k
dead to you
chasing rain Dec 2022
if i exposed myself,
every feeling,
every thought,
every miniscule detail
that forms my body,
my brain,
my identity—

i would be dead to you.

(thankfully, though,
i’ve gotten the memo early.)

it’s obvious now,
you never wanted a child.

you wanted a robot, ready to reprogram.
a servant, to do your bidding.
a doll, to dress up the way you want.

you wanted perfection,
not a child.

you wanted perfection,
not me.

you are not my god,
and i will never be made in your image.
—and i know you will never accept me
Dec 2022 · 2.5k
patience
chasing rain Dec 2022
i do not have the patience of a god,
yet i find myself waiting yet again.

i do not have the patience of a god,
but when you return with tears in your eyes,
my arms are open wide—
heart willing, though it aches again—
ready to hold you close once more.

i do not have the patience of a god, no,
but i do think i have the patience of a flower.

i do not think you notice,
too busy in your own mind.
for once, i was a blooming daisy,
so welcoming, so bright—
day after day. week after week.

i do not think you saw me,
for the lily petals that once were brilliant
had curled and wrinkled into an ugly shade of brown,
and the daffodil petals scatter on the ground,
leaving nothing but a twisted, wilted stem.

i do not think i have the patience of a god,
though i think i was given a heart like a god.  
for i still love you, painfully,
like thorns on a rose.

and though i may have a love like a god,
the rest of me is still
so stupidly human.

please don’t come back this time.

though if you do,
i will open my arms again.
—though my heart will shatter when you leave again
Dec 2019 · 298
get rid of me
chasing rain Dec 2019
i hate you because
you are the only reason
that i'm still alive
seriously just let me die already
Sep 2018 · 254
dive back in
chasing rain Sep 2018
i began
crawling out
of the ocean
that was black

i began
climbing up
of a hole
that had no end

it felt like i could breathe
it felt like i could see

i felt two warm hands
grab my cold limbs
and pull me up
up
up

out.
free.

i could finally
be
free—

then i slipped.

scrambling to grab
the hands of my savior
but failing

and i fell.

i gasped for help,
feeling ink fill my lungs
the light begin to fade

i’m cold again
i’m choking again
i’m blind again

i let the dark envelope me

and dive back in to melancholy
—why can't i be happy forever
May 2018 · 646
my sun at midnight
chasing rain May 2018
the only sound
i seem to hear
is the rumbling thunder
and heavy rain
inside my head.

the only sight
i seem to see
is a gloomy grey
and dark clouds.

then you show up
and my heart becomes lighter.

'the dark times of being alone
are over.
the sadness
and the anger
that you feel
do not define you.
they never have.

you are not alone anymore.
never again.

i will walk with you
and i will love you
enough for the both of us
even after
you've learned
to love yourself.'

you said to me
at ungodly hours of the night
when everyone else
was sound asleep.
―a list of things i don't deserve: love, happiness, comfort, and you.
Dec 2017 · 448
a conversation with myself
chasing rain Dec 2017
“all i can write is despair”

you want to stop but you can’t
everybody is watching you

watching, waiting
waiting, watching

“i’m looking for myself”

you’re alone
drowning in a sea of eyes
listening to
whispering winds of judgement

“i can’t find myself”

this desert you own
is filling with tears

tears become streams
streams become oceans

“i’m drowning”

everything is falling apart
you can do whatever you want

“i want to die”

your oceans turn red
your skies become black
the winds chant a mantra

everyone hates you. you’ve always been useless. you aren’t meant to be alive. please just die.

“i want to die”

you promised you’d be happier

“i am a mess”

are you?
—it all comes in phases
Dec 2017 · 1.4k
sick of lovesick
chasing rain Dec 2017
supposedly,
“love is”

it was supposed to be
an arrow through my chest.

instead it’s
an asteroid destroying a planet,
merciless,
demolishing all foundations.

i’m sick of it.


“pining for attention,”

wishing for
invisibility.
i don’t want your attention.
i won’t look at you,
so don’t look at me.

i’m sick of it.


“feverish faces,”

you talk to me
and i’m burning.
liquid fire pumps
through my veins,
and it’s unbearable.

i’m sick of it.


“and drumming hearts.”

screaming,
racing pulse,
left breathless,
drowning in a salty ocean,
lungs filling with liquid.

i’m sick of it.

this world was
fine.

boxed in a bedroom,
listening to stories
of other people,
but you’ve brought
unfamiliarity into this
dull world of mine.

the sun was never yellow,
the trees were never green,
pink was never a feeling.

this world was
grey,
black,
and white.

put everything
back to normal.

because i’m sick
of being
lovesick.
—love is a disease i'm not ready to experience alone
Oct 2017 · 680
rose petals
chasing rain Oct 2017
my arms are burning.

there are invisible ants
devouring my skin
and thorns
piercing my body

a stream of liquid rose petals
floods down my hands
drips from my fingertips
trickles to the floor!

it is the only thing
I
FEEL

and i’m addicted
i’m addicted addicted addicted—

My body is filled with ROSES.

Bite my tongue
Carve my skin
Tear off every layer
Pierce my heart
Cut off my neck
Impale my head

Let rose petals spill from me while I watch.
—“they love me, they love me not,” i whisper
Oct 2017 · 309
television static
chasing rain Oct 2017
nowadays
i see the world
through a screen.

i sit with my friends
but i am nowhere near them.

i sit with my family
and i am as far away
as i can be.

it is incredibly lonely.

but i don’t want to hurt anymore.
—i’ll just pretend to be nearby
Oct 2017 · 372
mirrors
chasing rain Oct 2017
i stare at the mirror
and there is
no reflection.

instead i see
            (every horrible memory)
flashes of crimson
waves of salty streams
piercing sounds
darkness
silence
darkness
gasps
darkness

i see a whimper
a sob
blood dripping
tears falling

and i realize
it is my reflection.
—i can't stand to look at myself
chasing rain Oct 2017
i can't bring myself
to forget about you
and i hate it.

because there are people
who love me genuinely
and care for me
with all of their heart.

they are the people
who should be swimming
through my thoughts
and bring gentle smiles
to my lips.

but instead,
it is you.

you fill my head
with a sticky,
inky darkness.

my vision is crimson,
and all i hear
is a piercing ring.

my lips are
always curled
into a scowl.

my lungs are
filled with cement
and it weighs me down.

i hate you.

i hate thinking of you.

you are the reason
i cannot give my heart
to people who love me.

my heart is lost
even to myself
because you
turned it to dust.

i can only hope
that some day
someone will do
the same thing you did
to me.

then maybe

just maybe

you'll be sorry.
—hidden beneath my yearning for you is how much i hate you
chasing rain Oct 2017
smiles,
laughter,
friends,
and family—

they are grateful
that they are surrounded by people
who love them.

but

in their head
they chant like a mantra

i want to die
i want to die
i want to die

they are so unhappy
but no one is watching.

in the story of their life,
they have never once been
the main character
—it's okay, the story is almost over anyway
chasing rain Oct 2017
i stand on the farthest planet
there is a broken telescope in my hands.
and i lift it to my eyes
hoping to see you again
—it's too dark to find you
Sep 2017 · 360
time moves on
chasing rain Sep 2017
a heavy heartbeat
pushes against weak lungs,
creating a rhythm filled only with
fear,
sadness,
and anger
all at once.

trembling hands
press against anxious thighs
hoping to hide from the rest of the world.

it becomes harder to breathe,
harder to see,
harder to hear—

to ask for help,
though it is something i need,
it is not something i want.

my vision is blurry now.

i stare down at my hands,
hiding my face with the hair
that cascades along my shoulders—

the world outside is happy,
rotating at a fast pace
without a single care.

they say time stops for nobody,
it waits for no one,
and will continue on whether or not
you want it to.

in this case,
i desperately wait for time to stop,
for everything to go black.

everyone feels just as far away
as i remember.

only now
i, too, am far away
from myself.

and both figures of me
are nowhere near the others.

we do not reach out,
we do not scream,
we only cry
and hope that time
runs out faster.

until the day arrives,
when our clock
finally reaches
zero.
—still watching time pass us by
chasing rain Sep 2017
you have brought
my sweetest nightmares to life.

the day i have been waiting for
is finally here,
and i know i should be joyful,
ecstatic, even.

you’re no longer in my life,
as far away from me as possible—
now you can be happy.

(i know what i’m like
and i know you
were never happy with me.)

however,
you made up most of my routine
and i was never one for change
but suddenly you’re gone
and i don’t exist.

(i’m selfishly hoping you’ll come back.)

as i open my eyes with a gasp
i realize,
you are really gone now
and this is not
just a bad dream.

(at least when i see you
from far away
you are finally smiling.)
—i can't write what i think i feel when all i think of is you, you, you
Sep 2017 · 2.0k
the thought of you
chasing rain Sep 2017
i am in love with you.

i am in love with the way
your eyes
curl into crescent shapes
when you’re happy.

i am in love with the way
your laugh
rings through my ears
like wind chimes on a breezy spring day.

i am in love with the way
your cold hands
fit into my warm ones,

and how you look at me
with reassurance i need
when i’m ready to burst into tears.

but i cannot love you
the way you want me to.

(let me explain myself.)

i am in love with the
thought
of you.

i am in love with the
concept
of you.

i am not in love
with
you.

i love you,
my dearest friend.

i do not love you
as my partner.

and i cannot love you
the way you love me.

i cannot give myself completely to you
because i am not
in love.

(and i never will be.)
—and for that, i am sorry
Sep 2017 · 337
natural disaster
chasing rain Sep 2017
i saw you there that day.

i want to be upset with you,
you who promised
never to turn your back on me.

you who promised
to catch me when i fall.

it was cold that day
not because of the heavy rain
that fell from the glacial skies
and landed on my skin,
mixing in
with my warm tears.

it was cold that day
not because of the frosty winds
that turned my fingers red
and made my heavy breath
visible for us to see.

it was cold that day
because you stared straight at me
with frigid eyes.

you saw me there.

it lasted a second
and i remember
watching you
through my tears,

watching you
turn your back to me,
pretending i didn’t need you.

i want you to know
how much i hate you.
i want you to know
how much i despise you.

i want you to know
the betrayal
i felt
when you walked away.

you turned
my warm summers
into icy winters.

and i refuse
to let you sit in your
pleasant paradise
while i suffer
arctic temperatures.

i will come to you soon,
with raging fires,
fuming earthquakes,
outraged floods,
and wrathful storms.

and i
will sit and watch
as you try
to pick yourself up,

the same way i had to do
when you destroyed me.
—i want to hurt you but i can't
Jul 2017 · 354
distance
chasing rain Jul 2017
you are the moon
illuminating soft shades of white
surrounded by a plethora of stars.

i gaze up at you every night
with arms stretched out
hoping i can reach far enough
to touch you with my fingertips.

because you are so beautiful
and i want to be beside you once more.

you leave me breathless.
i wait every night to see you again—
sometimes, you are not always there
but you always come back,
and i’m always there to admire you.

you are gentle
and you are sweet
and you light up my darkness
and give me hope.

but as i stretch out my hands
for the thousandth time
i realize that
no matter what i try
you are always far away from me.

and i fear that
as you grow more beautiful each night
surrounded by each of your stars
there is more distance between us.
—i am still here and i cannot reach you
Jun 2017 · 392
normality
chasing rain Jun 2017
“i’ll be back to normal soon,”
is what i tell you
during one of my “episodes”
and
you smile.

you smile
and you say
“that’s good,
i’m glad.”

i pretend not to feel hurt.

i know
you don’t know
when i say
“back to normal”
what i mean is
i will reel in my emotions
once again,
and i will shove them
in the bottle
that’s been overflowing
for years.

when i say
“back to normal”
it means that
i will pretend
to be what you have
imagined me to be.

so i will smile
my fake smile,
and laugh
my fake laugh,
if only
to make
you
feel better.

and while you
are done “worrying”,
i will hide myself
and tear myself apart again
only this time
without you knowing.
—who do you think you are?
May 2017 · 6.3k
please (don't) go away
chasing rain May 2017
i am fearful
of you,
who decided
you wanted to know me

and i am fearful
of me,
who is willing to hurt you,
so i can hurt myself.

i am afraid
when you stay,
because i know
you will leave soon.

and i am afraid
when you leave,
because i really wanted you
to stay

(my favorite dreams
are when you walk away from me,
because i know you will be happier
without me.

and my worst nightmares
are when you stay,
because i know
it’s only a matter of time.)

keep your distance
because i am scared of you
who will inevitably
hurt me
in the end

i do not deserve the you
who will build me up.

i only deserve myself,
who will continue to break me down.
—i am afraid of how much i need you
May 2017 · 2.4k
incorrect growth
chasing rain May 2017
you tended to parasites,
thinking they were blossoms.

you expected them
to grow around
and into
the person
i used to be.

you expected something beautiful.

but now,
vines are constricting me,
growing around me,
curling inside me.

insects are scuttling on me,
through me,
they are a part of me.

i am made up
of parasites,
of weeds,
and wilted flowers.

everything good in me
has been devoured by
everything bad you've cultivated.  

(i reach out to you,
hoping you will feed me
with praises,
with smiles,
with gentle intentions.)

but you water me
with hurtful words,
disappointed gazes,
and angry actions.

you expect
a paradise
in me,

and you are disappointed
when you see a barren wasteland
in the person
i was supposed to be.

and i am disappointed
because i cannot grow
the way you want me to
with the way
you nurture me.
May 2017 · 319
endlessly waiting
chasing rain May 2017
i tell myself
to stop relying on people so often.
but i have always been good
at rebelling,
even against myself.

even if,
very rarely,
i know what’s good for me.

i pin my hopes on people’s promises,
even if my doubts
far outweigh
my beliefs.

but there is a part of me
that trusts too easily,
that hopes too much,
that relies so desperately,
with the desire that perhaps,
one day,
there will be someone
who follows through.

it has been years,
and i am still waiting.

i have been let down,
forgotten,
disappointed,
ignored,
abandoned,
left behind,

and i know it is time to close myself up.

but it is so difficult.

and it is very lonely.

i hate myself,
the part of me
that trusts,
that hopes,
that relies.

because even after
all of the tears
that made me feel as if
i was drowning,
even after
uneven gasps of air
that never seemed to reach my lungs,
and even after
trembling fingers, like violent earthquakes,
dig into my skin enough to draw blood,

i sit here,
with my doubts and my uncertainty,
with my misplaced trust
and my absurd hopes,
still waiting
for you
to keep your promise
for the first time.

— The End —