If our love
is a war then
I am the soldier
that promises to
lives to tell
the tale.

Please don't read this note.
Please just walk away.
Grab the bags you packed
and try not to carry this weight.

What happened is not your fault
it was not by any means.
I understand what love is
and sometimes it's not what it seems.

You did what you could
to salvage what was wrecked.
You loved me from your heart
You tried your absolute best.

But I lived at my lowest;
always in the dark.
I never let you in,
and that was the worst part.

My emotions stopped showing,
your prince charming faded fast.
I tried my best to save him
but he was drowned by his past.

So please don't read this note,
please don't go to our room.
Take your bags and leave.
and just know I loved you.

It turns out everything into a chaos.

People are forbidden from return to their family.

My flight are cancelling and I was command to stay.

I'll be staying right here, miles away from my parents.

I wish I could hug them but I can't.

I wish I could hug them without having any possibilities being contaminate.

How long do we have to be this far?
How long do we need this social distancing?

Please, bring me home. That's all I ask.

thank you.

thank you for convincing me i had the world.
thank you for playing with my hair only after i styled it the way you like it.
thank you for holding me while i cooked our dinner,
and only letting me eat a quarter of what you did,
because my "voluntary" starvation turns you on.
thank you for touching me so gently,
gently enough that i thought it meant something,
and for showing me a constructed version of your heart.

thank you
for breaking my trust almost as much as you broke me,
for showing me that your needs mean more to you than mine ever did,
and for showing me that the sick satisfaction of knowing you could make me lose myself was more important to you than the fragility of my abandoned soul.

thank you
for testing the elasticity of my heart
and the bandwidth of my patience,
for showing me i deserve more than a man who uses manipulation
to hide his undeniable self hatred,
and for letting me build you up so high above this Earth that gravity would carry you
and you'd never have to fall back down and see what you left.

thank you
for showing me every single thing I don't want.

and when someone comes along and loves me in a way that you never could,
i hope you look down and see me shining brighter than every star in the atmosphere i lifted you up to.

I want to be kissed the same way I once craved adventure;
A little girl, dreaming of climbing mountains, of quests just like the ones in her books.

The same girl dreams now of the gentleness of soft hands cradeling my face, of stars in my eyes and giggles in the night.

I want to be kissed the same way I once craved adventure;
In theory.

I want not the cuts and bruises from the stones, the unbearable sun beating down at me as I climb higher and higher.

I want not the relationship, strange lips meeting mine.
I don't want to see a face all too close, to know its details or hear its name.

I don't want to be kissed.
I want the fantasy of romance, the love of the story, the soft gestures of imagination.

If I am but a character of my own creation,
then I don't want the story to come true.

i used to save the messages where you complimented me
told me i was
beautiful
how my smile could warm the seven seas
things that I’d never heard before
so I would save them
because I thought I’d never hear these things again
but
now those messages hold up space
in my phone
because now I see the sharks you hid underneath the sea
and those words ate me up