You told me that day,
"The girl I knew would never"
and filled the rest in with everything I've done

The girl I knew would never listen to rap or country music
The girl I knew would never have driven down the backroads going 70 .  .  .  80 . . . 90 ... 100 .. 110
The girl I knew would never think about themselves first
The girl I knew would never put their needs above anyone else's
The girl I knew would never wear such revealing clothing
The girl I knew would never been comfortable sharing their thoughts
The girl I knew would never feel sorry for themselves
The girl I knew would never feel comfortable in their own skin
The girl I knew would never stand up for themselves

The girl you used to know hated themselves
The girl you used to know was taken advantaged of and walked all over
The girl you used to know hid their true self
The girl you used to know would have sacrificed anything to satisfy you, even herself
The girl you used to know cried every night
The girl you used to know hurt herself when she couldn't feel anymore
The girl you used to know could never stand up to you

I'm glad you never really knew that girl
And I'm glad she became me

i'm tied
i've tried to cut this string
that attaches me to you
but the knotted rope is too thick
and my scissors too dull

when he was stolen from us,
the angels fell from heaven
their pure wings were ripped from their shoulders
the halos torn from atop their heads
thrown to the ash

shooting stars plunged
doomed for earth
one by one
then all together

she wept through the day
long into the night
suffocated by the thought
of remaining without him

with anger and sorrow
she blamed the angels
who were supposed to
defend him

life without him
would be a cold fire in the bitter winter
present
but with no warmth

we bid our farewell to the closed casket,
the barrier between us
as it lowered
into the dust

not a word was spoken
but i could feel what she was holding back
i could feel it in the way her breath was slowing down
i could feel it in the way her eyes kept flickering to my lips
if only for a moment, before racing back to my eyes
i could feel it in the way her blue eyes glistened in the moonlit vacant street
i could feel it in the way she leaned ever so slightly
i could feel it, and i said it right back

       - silence worth speaking

Nightmares
Forgetting pants, failing test, being chased, falling, finding my love ones dead.
These nightmares I can survive
You always wake up

But it’s the perfect dreams that are sneaky
They give you everything you want
Then rip it away come the morning

Waking up.
Relief in one instance, agony in another.

It’s not fair
Why did you get to end it that way
What ******* changed?

I knew we weren’t perfect
But I believed we were getting through it together
I believed in us
Why couldn’t you do the same?

It’s not fair
Why do you get closure
Why does my heart reach everytime I see you in the halls

It’s not fair
Why does my dreams torment me with false memories
Why do you get ******* peace but you couldn’t grant me the same

It’s not fair

But you know what they say
Life isn’t always fair

And life,
it’s never been kind to me

But life,
Life always loved you

i don't lie to lie,
i lie because i'm scared
i don't want to hurt the people i love
i want to protect them
and if that means hiding the truth,
i shall
i don't lie to lie

right there,
that's the ******* worst lie of them all

Love isn’t always romantic

Sometimes love is playing the song you know
will make the person in the passenger seat
smile just a little bit bigger

Sometimes love is staying up all night
waiting for each new text to come
that says they made it another couple minutes

Sometimes love is letting them have the last piece
of grandma’s special recipe

Sometimes love is reading the book
someone mentioned in passing is their favorite
so that you can have a reason to talk to them again

Sometimes love is telling them your secret
maybe the one you told a few
or the one you only told your heart

Sometimes love is letting the brother you swear is annoying
sleep in your room when he doesn’t want to be alone in the dark

Sometimes love is a showering with the lights off
so you can love yourself without fear

Sometimes love is sharing the jokes you hear
and think they would like

Sometimes love is memorizing your best friend’s schedule
so you know when they are free before you ask
because you know they hate to have to say no

Sometimes love is pushing them away
because you know they deserve better

Sometimes love is smiling when they steal a fry
and rather than calling them out
you steal some of theirs

Sometimes love is seeing a pair of heart shaped sunglasses
and immediately thinking it is totally their style

Sometimes love is waving
at the people in the car next to you on the freeway
at the little kid who asked you for a sucker at work
at your friends in the hall you don’t have class with this semester

Sometimes love is offering to order for them
when their anxiety becomes too much

Sometimes love is putting yourself first
you can’t help others if you are in a million scattered pieces

Sometimes love is sitting in the make shift audience in your aunt’s basement
watching your family put on a concert of toy drums
and jumping up when they pull you on the stage of cardboard boxes

Sometimes love is inside jokes from years ago
you aren’t even sure how to explain anymore
but get you on the floor each and every time

Sometimes love is not holding back
introducing yourself
giving people the chance to be someone to love

Sometimes love is holding their hand
as they get their third piercing
even though they are terrified of needles

Sometimes love is a teddy bear
given from family to the newborn

Sometimes love is walking them down the isle
with a kiss on their forehead

Sometimes love is noticing the words and topics that trigger them
and when they are used
watch for the signs

Sometimes love is watching the children
while the parents take a break

Sometimes love is getting a kitkat from the gas station
when you go by yourself
because they are your brother’s favorite

Love isn’t always romantic
Love isn’t always mind-numbing passion

Sometimes love is the small things
the things you learn
the way you adapt to each person
the protectiveness you give

Love isn’t always romantic
But it's how I love

do you notice how my hand
trembles ever so slightly
as i hand you the evening paper?

or how i pull away
after every single touch,
even to soothe?

how my smile doesn’t quite
stretch across my face
or see the pain in my eyes?

or how my lips
scarcely part to let out
the rasp and gravel?

how much i want to scream and shout to the heavens
and kick and punch
until i see red.

don’t you notice my unhealed wounds?
or am i just that good an actress?