I'm scared
My life turns into a blur
Everything I hear is remindes me of her
How she is so beautiful
So perfect
So loved

What about me
I would do anything to make you see
What she does to your mind
I know it's not what you want to find
I wish you could leave her behind
The same way as you left me
I know that it could never be us, we or
you and me
You were always in my dreams
In reality it was never meant to be

That's why sleep used to be so important
The only place I could say or do what I felt was in my dreams
Now I'm in way too deep
To ever get back the beauty in sleep

I want to forget
I want to forget about her
I want to forget about you
But mostly I want to forget about myself
That's why I'm scared

I haven't written much since I met you
Because I've had no reason to
Most people including myself write when they are sad, angry, depressed, confused.
Since I met you I haven't felt any of that
I was thinking about the fact that I miss writing
Even though it's never anything good
Or anything even worth reading
But I miss it
And just like that
You gave me a reason to write again
So... Thank you?

The sky is empty
Just like my soul

The moon is half
Just like my heart

The stars are gone
Just like my mind

The night is cold
Just like my eyes

Tonight I want to follow Peter Pan
Second star to the right, straight on 'till morning

What do you want me to do?
I can't just give all of me to you

What do you want me to feel?
I don't know if any of this is  real

What do you want me to see?
I don't know where we are supposed to be

What do you want me to say?
I don't think it matters anyway

What do you want me to hear?
I don't trust you please don't come near

Just like that
Without a single warning
It turned to morning
It is 4 am and I still have not got a glimpse of sleep
Because my thoughts wandered off way too deep
I function better at night
Because there is no one here to put up a fight
Why should I sleep
When I have no dreams I want to keep
Life is not better just because it's day
That is why I like the dark nights better anyway
Dark shadows under my eyes decided to stay
I wont tell them to go away
That might be the only company I will have tomorrow
So I'm not gonna put make up over it and cover my sorrow
It is still dark outside
Come with me, take my hand
Help me find a place where I can hide

I got there crying.
You took me in your arms asking

Honey what's wrong
What's wrong
I'm here talk to me
Sweetheart what's going on


My tears were suffocating me
I couldn't speak the words

You gave me a kiss on the forehead
Honey what's wrong
Tell me what's going on
Hugging me tightly

My body wasn't still
I was shaking

You let me cry still holding me
How can I help
Is there anything I can do
What's wrong

I love you
But I want to breakup

You let go of me
You just stare at me
No no no no no
You start crying

That's how I ended it
How I killed what used to be us

Your eyes are blank
Your voice screams desperation even though you think
You're acting calm

Your whole life is falling apart
You have no home
No money

All that is left is your own ****** up brain
Your friends that are just as lost as you
If you don't run now it will be too late

As I try to look into your brown eyes
Filled with pain
You do everything to not look at me

I want to help you
You are a good guy and you deserve so much more than this
Please promise me that you will try

Make your eyes look full of hope
Your voice sweet with love
Make your heart calm

Don't waste your life
It is too precious

Only four more days until it starts again
A new hell
Filled with new people

I can't wait to see all the eyes
Judge me from head to toe
I hate new people

They give you one look
And think they know
Everything

But in reality
They don't know
Anything

What is wrong with the world?
Why is it that we all do things
We end up regretting
But we still keep doing them
Over
And
Over?

Will we ever learn that what we do or say
Can change someone's way of
Thinking
When they see us everyday?
That we hurt the ones we love
Only because of our own minds playing
Tricks on us

Why is it that we only face other people's
Mistakes
And just overlook our own?
We don't want to feel worse than we already do
So why is it okay to make someone
Feel like that too?

07.41 am
Have you ever been
Woken by your anxiety?
It knocks on your door
Won't stop banging until you let it in.
Two hours of sleep
That's how long it would leave me.
You know that feeling
When you just feel the need to cry,
Like it would be refreshing,
healing in some way?
I want to do that
But there are no tears.
They don't want to clean my eyes.
They don't want me
To see things clearly.
I think I might be going insane...

There was blood on his face
Around his mouth
Blood was surrounding all of him

He had his eyes closed
His shirt was ripped open
He didn't breath

They tried to help him
They tried to save his life
They tried to make him come back

The people around him could't stop looking
Neither could I driving past sitting in the bus
And it stopped there forcing me to look at him

The blood
The open shirt
The closed eyes

I saw a man die today....

Having freshly washed bed sheets
My bed feels so much larger
I feel so much smaller
I feel too far
Away
from
You

It's getting
Colder
Darker

I will miss it
Just like always
I will miss you

No more
Party
Sun

There wont be
Drunk kisses with you by the sea
No more days that never turns to nights

That is what I will miss most
Days
That never ends

The truth is
There is no such thing as shortcuts
When it comes to beauty

The secret is in the word itself
Be You
That the only way to find beauty

It doesn't matter how much makeup
You put on your face
It doesn't matter how good you are at
Faking smiles
It doesn't matter how you dress
It doesn't matter how you laugh
It doesn't matter how you talk

None of this matters if you aren't
You
The true beauty shows when you
Stop caring
When you stop caring about what other
Poeple thinks about
You
And you start to care about what
You
Feel about yourself
When you feel good about yourself
You
Will be the most beautiful person
Alive

With 100 post-it notes on the back of my door
And another 100 that I place everywhere I go
The whole city is covered in colourful post-it notes
I put them up

I write 'inspiring' quotes by my favourite authors
In the hopes of someone stopping at the sight
Of that squared little note
With my handwriting on it

And just smile and then keep on walking
And just before they go to sleep they will
Think about that little colourful note and
Decide that tomorrow is when their new
And improved life will start

And they will start with a smile on their
Face and a new warmth in their bodies
That warmth that they lost somewhere along
The way
But it came back to them from this colourful note
That is all I want
I want you to
Smile

And I want my notes to be the reason
Because then you have a reason to smile
And I will feel like I'm trying to improve
Myself
And society
By smiling

Sometimes I just wonder how my death will be
I have been understanding that the person responsible
For it is probably me

I don't thing I will live long enough to get
Terrible cancer
Or a stroke

I think when I die people will find me on the floor
With a million sleepingpills in my body
A note in one hand that says

I'm sorry, I know I'm weak
And then a poem called
Don't stand on my grave and weep

I think that is how my life will end
But not quite yet
I need to see if I'm strong enough to get through this

And I will try
I will try so hard
But if I fail this

You'll know where to find me

I know I will see you tonight
That's why it's no point im starting a fight
Between my heart and my brain

When I see you my heart is the winner
My heart surrounds you with a shimmer
That only my brain can take away
To take it away I have to stay

Stay and see you with her
She the most beautiful person on earth
This will end with me getting hurt
Like it always do
It's all because of you

You defeat both my brain amd heart
Just ny showing up at the start

Dreams about having guns
pointed at my face
The fear in my heart and my head
must be reflecting in my eyes
the way someone can pull the trigger
once, just once
to end your life
I've had dreams where I have to run
Run from the people holding guns
tightly in their hands
ready to end my life
ready to end everything
The way their eyes are filled with hate
Filled with panic
Filled with some sort of excitement
they can't wait to hear the explosion
the sound of the bullet flying through the air
ready to hit the target
...me
Guns
Guns
Guns
Silver bullets
Black revolver
Guns
Guns
Guns

I whisper
Please don't **** me

I don't have to see your face all the time
But honestly I never do that when I'm at home either

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Look at me

To know that you hate me so much that you can't even
Stop yourself from screaming whenever you decide to say something

There is no point in staying here
But no point in going home either

Wouldn't it just be easier
If I didn't do any of it

If I had a gun
Would I dare to pull the trigger to make you happy?

02.44
I haven't been sleeping much lately
I used to be the queen of sleeping
But someone took over the throne
Now I'm left praying
To the gods
To the Kings
To the queens
Let me sleep
So that when I do
I can pretend to be dead
Because that is my salvation

On the starry night
Is when they all crawl out
I thought I could do this

I have to confess it to you
I am weak
I thought I would be stronger
But I can't hold it in any longer

I want to keeo it in
If i do it will be I who win
But I feel how they start to crawl out
Trying to shout
And then there it is
The one feeling I don't miss

I turn blind
My eyes fill up
And there goes the first one
I thought I would be stronger
But I can't hold it in any longer

I'm sorry
I whisper to myself
While they crawl out
And I don't even try to fight

I haven't seen you
I haven't talked to you
In what feels like forever

I have missed your smile
I have missed the way you talk
I love to see the funny way you walk
I have missed someone who understands everything
Without having to know anything

It feels like forever
And now you're sleeping in my new bed
I don't sleep next to you of course
Because you know I hate sharing bed

I probably will sound like a creep
But you look so pretty when you sleep
My dear friend I have missed you so
And it's only been a week

Another night without stars
I can't stop wondering where they are

I feel empty tonight

Maybe my soul is lost
Maybe my heart is surrounded by frost

I feel empty tonight

But what if I really die this time?
What if they can't help me?
Save my broken soul?
Maybe it past fixing?
Maybe this is it?

How do you tell someone what you have done to yourself?
How do you tell that to someone you actually really like?
How do you tell someone that you are still in the process of getting out of it?
How do you tell someone that you've hurt yourself and have scary scars all over your body?
How do you explain those marks on your body and still pray that the person will stay?
How do you tell someone about that without being afraid that they might laugh at you for being a failure?
How do you tell someone about your past?

Scared
So scared that I do not know if I should run
Or if I should be still

Will my body even listed if I try to move
Will my pounding heart pump enough blood
For me to be able to escape


Scared
So scared that I feel like this is the night
I will be dying

Will my body take me through this fear
Will it listen and hear what I hear
Is this what will **** me

Scared
So scared that the only thing I wanna do
Is to find you
Be with you
See you
Feel you
Have your arms around me

But tonight I dont have you
Tonight I am alone
Tonight I am scared

She tried everything

She tried to act like she was fine
She put on make up
She curled her hair the way he liked it
She put on her favorite dress
She wore those black heels
She tried so hard to make her smile look real

She tried everything
For once she felt like she wasn't
The ugliest girl in the world
And he didn't bother to give her anything

Not a word
Not a smile
Not even a single look
He didn't even
Notice her

That was the moment she finally started to realize
She would never be anything
To him again
She would always be
Invisible

Just like he
Promised

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
And watch the sun as it fills the world with light

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
I just want us to end this fight

You keep me up at night
I don't mind waiting
When you are here everything shines so bright

You keep me up 'til 3 in the morning
I don't mind waiting
Because my life without you is so boring

You keep me up 'til 3 in the morning
I don't mind waiting
Please don't just leave me without a warning

I...



It doesn't matter.

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Going to die
Literally like there is no air
For your lungs to breath

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Ripping apart
Literally like your heart
Is breaking

You know that feeling
When it feels like you're actually
Crying
Literally waterfalls from your eyes
But you don't

The truth is
When it feels like you're dying
When it feels like you're crying
That's means it all done

The truth is
You've already used up all those tears
There are none left to cry
You want to but you can't

The truth is
You have already died
You died when no one listened
Even when you tried to explain

I wish I had wings
Beautiful like the songs angels sings
White like the snow winter brings

They would make me fly
My wings would take me so high
I would become one with the sky

I would see the word
It would be just as beautiful as I had heard
On the trees there would be birds

My angel wings would make me smile
Even if just for a while
All my feelings would be put to the side

I would no longer have to hide

I woke up one of those days
One of those days with no
Birds singing in the trees
One of those days when the
Sun didn't have the strenght
To rise to the sky

On one of those days it got to me
I realize that it would never be
You
And
Me
Again

It's
You
Without
Me

I know I'm stupid
But I miss us
I miss what we used to have
Or at least what I thought we
Used to be

I try to keep myself busy.
Cook new food.
Got a second job.
Make plans with friends.
Spend time with my mom.
Read.
Plan a trip.
Walk.
Talk to that girl.
Laugh with my brother.


I try to keep myself busy.
Only because I don't want to admit
That its over.
I don't want to admit
That it has been over for awhile now
How do you tell someone
It's over
But make them understand
That you still love them
An awful lot

I dont want to apologise, not to anyone.
About anything.
I just want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
And will always be sorry.
For all the pain, the unbearable pain I've forced myself to go through.
For all those sleepless nights, filled with unbelievable thoughts.
For all those voices I let myself listen to, those lies I myself created.
For all those moments of missing out, because of truths that I decided was real.
I want to tell myself that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I've been so mean to my body. To my face.
Telling it how much I hated it.
While during this whole time, my own face. My own body. Was the thing moving me forward. Getting me through. Getting me out.
I'm sorry that I have been so hateful against myself for no real reason.
I'm sorry.
I hope that someday I will be able to forgive myself for that.
That is my only apology.

The eyes of a broken girl
So blank with no sign of life
So blue but slowly fading to grey

The eyes of a broken girl
Filled with something that could be mistaken for tears
Filled with nothing but water

The eyes of a broken girl
Staring blankly in the mirror
Staring back at something that used to be whole

The eyes of a broken girl
Life took her spark away
Life made her weak

The eyes of a broken girl
Used to be so powerful
Used to be alive

The eyes of a broken girl
Will no longer see the light of day
Will no longer feel any pain

The way you looked at me
You gave me one of those smiles
Your smile always melts my heart
You make me weak
But at the same time you make me strong
You force me to give up
You force me to break down

But thanks to you
I have learned to always
Get up
Because once you have lost something
It wont come back
So why lay down on the ground
When you could
Stand up
Look around
And find that the world is still there
And you are still in it
You made me understand that
So now
I will stand up
And nobody will ever make me fall down again
Thank you
For breaking me down

Watching the sunset
The way it paints the sky
Orange. Pink. Purple.
Waves crash into the rocks
Creating the most peaceful
Melody my ears has ever heard
A cigarette between my lips
Breathing in
Close my eyes
Let the air out of my lungs
Watch the white bird
Fly across the sky
Leaves me of a feeling of
Complete Freedom

To see what's right
You have to find out what's
Wrong

To see the truth
You have to face a million
Lies

To find your voice
You have to embrace the
Silence

To be happy
You have to get through the stream of
Tears

To be loved
You have to love
Yourself

.

Whenever I think I've forgotten you
I get nightmares
It might sound sad
But nightmares makes me think of you
You would make me feel safe
After waking up being so scared
That I wouldn't know what to do
You would comfort me
Always

Whenever I feel like I'm over you
A nightmare visits me
Reminding me of the fact that nothing
In this world will make me forget you
Not completely
So when she shows up in my dreams
The only thing I can think about
Is how I don't dare to move
Or open my eyes
Or breath
I can only think of you
And try to fall back to sleep again

***** doesn't make me sick
You do

The holographic fairy dust bubble
that used to be us
Has exploded into
Regular dust
Grey and *****
Unwanted

I love you more than you
Could ever imagine
More than you
Could ever understand
but your love for me is no more
I am
Unwanted

What I write is not poems
It's not fancy words that I can't spell
It's not sentences that will matter

I can't write poems
I write when I have to
I'm not trying to make it perfect
It's just
Me pouring bits of my heart out
It's me sharing my weakness
It's me showing my true feelings

It's not poems
It's me being honest
I write when I'm sad
I write when I'm drunk
I write when I feel the words flow
I write when I'm inspired
I write when I feel no hope
I write when I'm angry
I write but it's not poems

So maybe I'm a waste of space
But I like being here
I like reading what others go through
I like sharing what I go through
Sometimes it's good things
But most of the time it's things
I'm too scared to say but brave enough to write down for people to read

It's not poems
It's just me

I feel the fire in my Eyes
I turn my head away trying to Breathe
Breathe in. Breathe out.
A tear falls down
Once again I lost the battle
A second later I feel your arms around me
You look at me
I turn away
Still feeling the fire burning in my Eyes
''It's ok''
The only two Words that slip out
''It's ok''
The wind is our friend
The water is our enemy
''It's ok''
You don't let go of me
your warmth spreads from your heart to my heart
''It's ok''
That is the only thing I need to hear
That is the only thing you say
''It's ok''
I almost start to Believe it.