i swear to you

i remember it

i'm not lying a bit

i swear to you

i didn't make this event up, it's not brand new

i don't know what you want from me

stop disagreeing? like i'm the one lying here

i'd like to give an ear and hear what you have to say

but you'll try to get me to convey

my truthful statement into a lie

tie my now false statement in some of your mind

sugar laced lies

ninety thousand tries

thirty ways to compromise

i swear to you

i'm not fine

my mind isn't fine

it isn't a lie

i swear to you

i am fine

they're fighting again, what's new at this point?

i've got my mentality at gunpoint

it's hard to hear my screams under the sound of broken glass

i'm riding the train to insanity, first class

running mascara, slits running up and down every arm

dear god, i really don't think i can take any more

my head hurts, hands around my neck

realization hits me, i'm a ******* wreck

what the ****?

looking for the labels that say flammable as i tuck

a lighter in my back pocket

wouldn't it be nice to see this all go down in flames?

we never usually relate ourselves to a stick of wax
we’ve all heard the dreaded cracks
of the two dollar pack of crayons
looking at the broken pieces
in our kindergarten hands
the teachers pat our backs covered fleece
but no one is there to pat her back
When she finally cracks
and shatters in to a million pieces
grandma isn’t here to knit fleece sweaters anymore
no one is here to pick up
the broken bits of her self esteem
or her dreams in which shattered with
but you know mental illness was just a myth

it’s like being trapped in a locked cage that’s slowly filling up with water. i’m getting anxious, heart is pounding but i don’t have the time to be anxious but i can’t be happy so i’m trying to cancel out the anxiousness, i’m incapable of being excited, i can’t be mad this is just my imagination, if i wouldn’t have been so messed up i wouldn’t be in that cage. cancelling out every single emotion, the others are too far away, i’m left with nothing. i feel nothing but trapped, i wish there was something here to make me laugh and unlock the door to this cage but there isn’t. i wish there was something sad that would show up to make me cry and sad so i can let out an emotion in me but there’s not. i can’t move, nothing makes sense, words fly past my head, everything is spinning, i feel trapped but not scared, not mad, not sad, not happy, i feel trapped. that’s the only way to describe it. i feel trapped in a pool of nothing, i’m slowly drowning, it hurts but i can’t feel but i know it hurts. it hurts but i can’t yell, they don’t know me. it hurts so bad but in the worst way where i can’t feel it but i can feel it. i look at my math work in front of me, ratios are jumping off the page, percentages are turning into words, eights are turning into sixes are turning into nines. like half of them just left me and the rest are screaming fail in my face. i would feel mad but i can’t. i want to slam my hand on my desk, break the lock, and say i am done with this but i can’t. it is the most annoying feeling of always being trapped, my brain doesn’t know what else to do except wait for the cage to be unlocked. it’s never going to be unlocked but my brain is a different being, it thinks for itself and i can’t change it. even it knows that it won’t be unlocked and we’ll drown alone in that cage it wants to wait. wait and see if we have to drown ourselves. waiting to drown is so boring, can’t we just do it ourselves? waiting, restricted, my brain is its own asylum. shocking itself, pulling ice picks through my eyes, cutting itself open, punching holes in my skull. i’m filling out my form. my brain is homicidal, it wants to **** me. it is killing me. i perform horribly in math, third period. the period right after study hall. forty minutes to myself, in my own thoughts. no school work, no friends, no texting, no talking, except for to myself. clocks scattered across the room, ticking as they go in the bottom right-hand corner. a tear of joy runs down my face, another minute until i’m unlocked. i’m scared of dying, i don’t want to die, i don’t want to leave but i can’t wait until this cage door unlocks and if that means dying, i’m in. i would do anything to burn the cage and its lock so that no one else has to go through it. i don’t want another harmless person being trapped in a cage where only pain sits but you can’t feel it, you just know it’s there. i refuse to let anyone else sit, soaking in water with a big, red button in front of them that says end suffering. push it and you’re free, push it and you’re dead. i wouldn’t wish this dreaded cage among my worst enemies. i wouldn’t wish feeling like you’re dead but not, feeling like sleep can cure it but it can’t, feeling like the last thing to do is push the red button, feel like they can’t move, feel like they can’t focus, feel like nothing makes sense. there’s no cage, why does it feel like it? i’m not trapped, why can’t i move. i’m not deaf, why can’t i hear? i’m not blind, why can’t i see? i’m a functioning human, why doesn’t it feel like it?

I want to give you a letter. A letter that will tell you the truth. A letter so I won’t be forgotten. A stupidly cliche love letter. I don’t expect a response other than moving away from me in class and avoiding me, but that doesn’t change anything. I want to gift you a letter, written in pure black ink on a piece of thick off-white paper. I want to give you a letter that mentions your dark brown eyes that look like deep pools of honey in sunlight, your smile which can melt someones’ heart with one glance. You’re so dangerous so why in the world do I keep wanting to suffer? You are so dangerous yet stunning, you’re the worst yet the absolute best thing thats’ happened to me. What’s with you? What’s with me?

as humans we need sleep
but it’s quite hard to keep
a schedule that’s fine
i say as i stand in the line
for therapy
they tell my to be happy
it’ll make me sleepy
but i don’t have enough energy to eat
let alone smile
they say it takes more muscles to frown
but we should start looking down
where all the depressed people are
with more than one scar
who are mostly found in the corner of a bar
crying wishing they were dying
i have slept five hours the past week
but don’t let that leak
because they’ll either make get help
or tell me to go to hell

when you automatically know how to write a suicide note
can write it in five minutes
learned to open child proof locks
sneaks blades like a fox
piles chairs to reach the bags
climbs ladders so quick like life lagged
downing nyquil like whiskey
screaming why won’t it let me be
you’ve reached the peak
of life and death
so when people say
you don’t know where i’ve been
believe them
because they don’t know what you’ve seen
so how could you know what they have?

My family is an old box of crayons,
broken but still functional.
My dad is the red crayon, taped back together at the middle,
appears oh so strong and powerful.
No one will notice the little things just barely holding it together
My mom is the sky blue, snapped in three.
Even when broken everyone still thinks it’s the prettiest,
because why waste something so beautiful
just because it’s been through bumpy roads?
Ben is the bright yellow, pieced together, paper unravelling at the top.
The color every child needs to add the source of light
in their pretty little pictures.
Every issue, every problem shoved under the paper,
no one can see so it stays bright and inviting at least from afar.
Ally is the bright pink crayon, cracked under the paper.
Some people can’t stand it, perfect paper, pretty color,
but the ones that spend their time coloring with it
Find the cracks and breaks even under perfectly smoothed pretty paper
Nate is the grey crayon, sitting at the bottom of the box still sharp.
No one wants it, except for the few
that find out that it is a key piece in any artwork.
That find out it’s much more than that boring one at the bottom of the box.
And me? I’m the white crayon, broken in half.
No one needs it, why does it even exist?
Broken, still it lightens mistakes
it can’t completely fix them but when it tries
it contributes, even if it is the tiniest bit.

• Emi Munroe-Anderson, 1/7/19 •

His eyes are a deep chocolate brown as they wonder to the whiteboard looking for direction. As they look to the window, natural sunlight paints them a beautiful dark amber, a honey ***. Warm and sweet, wouldn’t they compliment mine so nicely? Warm, honey brown eyes meeting with cold, grey eyes. But who would ever want a cold dull grey? Wouldn’t most want a bright blue or light loving brown? They would go so nicely, even better.

i love you
is just such a generic way to say
i wanna run away with you
and there's nothing i wouldn't do
to be with your little cute ****
just please shut down
those stupid little commercials
there's a lot more to relationships
we often drown in our old frowns
and bring each other back to life
then stab each other with the knife
there is no rehearsal
for love
typing on my keyboard like a piano
thinking about your sweet eyes and smile
thinking about that bitter americano
your smile resembles a starbucks macchiato
but you taste like robusta beans
i love you
puts so many words in to
three words
viewed as innocent
i love you
we say it out of hand
i love you

oh **** i forgot my meds
the ones that make me not wish i was dead
today's gonna be a day
i just wanna ******* go away

******* i forgot my serotonin
it's not like i ever checked how much i was dosin'
i don't have my house keys
i'm like on my knees

**** i forgot my antidepressants
just teach me a lesson
i'm crying
because i should be dying

they all ask me
where my smile is
and i say my pockets

they all ask  me
why i'm not smiling
and i say my smile is now his

they all ask me
why i can't smile
and i say i can but i never do

they all ask me
if i've ever smiled
and i say i used to

my pockets are full of smiles
they stay upcurved once in a while

my pockets are full of broken souls
hearts covered in deep holes

"I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking"

Being left to my own mind
It's terrifying what it can do
My brain is undefined
But I can't count on you
To define my own brain
My brain in which can drain
All I feel
Make me less than ideal
Who wants an emotionless
Poor excuse for a person
Who only seems to worsen
The already bad things
Who thinks they have wings
To fly away from reality with
When we all are stuck here
None of us are five fifths normal
We're all insane
Blood rushes through our veins
Blood rushes out of our veins
My brain
My thoughts are immortal
Stopping them is impossible
Even though they are horrible
It is unstoppable
Stop thinking
Stop trying
Stop moving
Stop reading
Stop writing
No one wants to hear your insane thoughts
Stop trying
Stop moving
Stop reading
Stop writing
No one wants to see your poor excuse for effort
Stop trying
Stop moving
Stop reading
Stop writing
No one wants to see your blurry body run away
Stop trying
Stop moving
Stop reading
Stop writing
No one wants to see you burry your face in book to distract your dumb self
Stop trying
Stop moving
Stop reading
Stop writing
No one asked for your life story

Oh the depression game
The super duper depression game
Forget about your happy and your good
I mean the old depression game
Good ol' society's  recipes
That bring the depression game of life
Jumping in a pool of serotonin
Doesn't ask how much I'm dosin'
The girls are talking filled with glee
Gossiping about only me
When you look at the store window
And ask how low those shorts can go
Why not try a pair
The good depression game of life
Will come to you
They'll come to you
Oh the depression game
The super duper depression game
Forget about your happy and your good
I mean the old depression game
That's why you can light a flame
With just the depression game of life
Now when your think your okay-kay
Or just fine
Then you remember your birthday
We're all gonna die
Don't smoke the nicotine
By the hand
When you smoke
Try the cannabis
But you don't need to smoke
When you think you're fine
Have I given you a clue
The good depression game of life
Will come to you
They'll come to you

"Why do I always spill?
I feel it coming out my throat
Guess I better wash my mouth out with soap
God, I wish I never spoke"

Please don't hurt me
I swear I didn't mean it
I know I blurt too much
Please just blame in on the caffeine

God, I wish I never spoke
I really can't take back what I said
Don't choke me
Don't leave me dead

Just let me go
I can't do it
Because I know
That you can hit

I'll stitch my mouth shut
I've taken enough punches to the gut
Don't call me a snitch
Next thing you know
I'm on crutches

"come take my hand
and run through play land
so high, too high
at the carnival"

Just come hold my hand
Or take me to dinner
Don't just stand there
Come on, I'm a winner

You're more than this
Don't make a fool of yourself
Shut up and kiss me
Push me against the shelves

Give me a night to remember
Make me happy
Don't you remember that night in December
I still haven't paid for therapy

Run your hands through my hair
Surprise me
Make this fair
Fill the air with lustful glee

"smile for the picture
pose with your brother
won't you be a good sister"

My family files
Together in a line
We all pull fake smiles
And act like we're fine

We are all secretly dying
No can know
We're all buying
Happiness from shopping carts
We're all sad, though

No one sees my brother down pills
Or my dad postpone bills
No one sees my pull out the blade
Or my mom get played
By two guys or ten

But everyone should know
We are perfect
We are pros at pretending
Even if our lives are completely wrecked

We are happy
And perfect
And beautiful
And lovely
We are perfectly fine

"I'm laughing, I'm crying
It feels like I'm dying"

All the times
I sit at the edge of my table
Thinking I'll be able
To break my face on it
My cute prepared outfit
White turned red
Like they said
I should just die
No one would show up to my party of tears
Three cheers for broken hearts

He looks cute, right?
My lips bleed from the bite
                                                         I think I like him, hey you okay?
           “Oh yeah, just feeling a bit grey”
Her eyes fall on him as mine fall on her
                                                           You know, I’m not sure
My eyes move to the vapor
She blows out
              “About what”
I stare at her pretty pink lips
Reality weighs me down like bricks
I’m just- nothing
She’s quick to smile
Hiding everything she thinks
Her lips stay curved
Her eyes stay scrunched up
For a while
The spotted boy winks
It takes everything to not shout
She’s mine
                                                       Um, I’m kinda-
My eyes turn away from her and to the bar line
She’ll be more happy with him, anyway
I shouldn’t stay
       “I’ll be over here”
                                                        No, come bac-
My body argues my mind
No, you’re confined to boys
You don’t love her
You are above this
Normal  
           “One ***** martini, *****”
The smell of marijuana
Overpowering anything else
My heartbeat, my pulse
Speeding up as I order a second
                                                        What the hell are you doing?!
The sound of her words
Now intoxicate me
         “Go to him”
I slur my words
But to her they’re clear
                                                              Wh­at are you doing, stop!
         “No, go **** on a lollipop”
                                                               Listen to me!
My fingers now turned 90 degrees
                                                                ­ You’re only fifteen!
She yells in my face
Is it broken? Let’s check just in case
Her delicate warm hands
Feel like the calm in the storm
                                                                ­       It’s broke
            “Thanks a lot”
She slaps me in to reality
Her mouth opens wide
Showing her cute tooth gap
I can’t adore
I start to cry as I fall to the floor
             “I hate you!”
My words full of hatred
What mess have I created
                                                                ­      Great because I loved you

This fear, as heavy as lead
A sea of worry weighs me down in bed
There’s nothing to do
I can’t live without you
I can’t ignore the things I think
It’s walking around
Half of a pair
People swimming in bliss
As you gasp for air
It’s cold and it’s dark and I need you now
I need you here, please there is no way out
It’s walking around
Half of a pair
People swimming in bliss
As you gasp for air
It’s cold and it’s dark and I need you now
I need you here, please there is no way out
You can’t undo my brain
Because now it is trained to open up that vein
There’s nothing to do
I can’t live without you
Just watch them play
While I stay in, afraid

You had a question
It did seem strange
But about my lungs
They aren’t in pain
I don’t care
But do tell me why
Tell me why I should try
Oh, would you be so kind
As to leave me alone
You see
I’m trying
I know that you like me
But just please go away
So if you will
Please leave me alone
I think it’s only fair
I swear there’s no butterflies
Don’t share
You like me
Yeah, it’ not enough
But just if you will
Leave me alone
I don’t wanna write a story
I’ll be in my own book
I’m not joining you
But I’ll take a look
Oh, where are your manners
I think you need some time
Keep your chest today
I don’t want to decide
Oh, would you be so kind
As to leave me alone
You see
I’m trying
I know that you like me
But just please go away
So if you will
Please leave me alone
I think it’s only fair
I swear there’s no butterflies
Don’t share
You like me
Yeah, it’ not enough
But just if you will
Leave me alone
Oh, do me a favor
Can your heart rate slow down a little
Oh, do me a favor
Can your heart rate slow down a little
Oh, would you be so kind
As to leave me alone
You see
I’m trying
I know that you like me
But just please go away
So if you will
Please leave me alone
I think it’s only fair
I swear there’s no butterflies
Don’t share
You like me
Yeah, it’ not enough
But just if you will
Leave me alone

I’ve got a secret for the mad
And I’ll be honest
It’s gonna hurt real bad
I get that I won’t get it
But just listen to me now
You won’t regret it
Every little stereotype
Is gonna help you survive the night
And we hope there’s a day where you can say you're okay
And mean it
But I
Can’t promise you
That that day will ever come
And I
Can’t promise you
That it’ll ever make sense again
All we can do right now is try
Because it’s either that or die  
And I get that they won’t get it
Just power through
You won’t regret it
You’re at the bottom
This is it
No one really knows
If you can be fixed
And you think that I don’t get it
But anxiety lead me here
I do regret it
Every little stereotype
Is gonna help you survive the night
And we don’t know if there’s a day where you can say you’re okay
And mean it
I can’t promise you
That you’ll ever banish that flame
And I
Can’t promise you
That you’ll ever be the same
I can’t promise you
That you’ll ever banish that flame
And I
Can’t promise you
That you’ll ever be the same

Madison
Quite a common name
Sounds boring and plain
Put a label on name
Sure, whatever you fancy
But this fun-sized girl
As small as a *****
Will mess you up
No lie
Unless you wanna try
Her ***** blonde hair
Her cold blue glare
Something make of nightmares
The way she'll tear
Out your confidence
Let it be only fear
I don't want to make her mad
So let's call it a day

So, ******>Do I deserve a life
I ask questions
They make me wonder why
You still stick around me
Out a of pity
That may be
I'm just a stupid suicidal girl who has nothing to offer
Emotionally unstable
I;m missing three legs of a table
I can fall down any minute
I'm just a stupid suicidal girl
As fragile as a snowflake
No one questions why my heart aches and breaks
But you
Why do you stick around dumb  me
Who can't stand on her own two feet
I tell you
I'm not worth it
Why haven't you quit
Making sure I don't die
It's for the better
The meaning of this letter
Is to ask you
Why
So, Seo
Riddle me that
So, Seo
Thank you

She couldn’t do it.
She couldn’t stand smiling until her crescent moon eyes stayed permanent.
She couldn’t stand spending five hours perfecting her innocent makeup.
The sweet silky voice turned into a raspy voice, a voice of someone who hadn’t slept for days, even weeks.
The angelic smile turned into a straight flat-line.
Not one of sadness, not one a happiness, one of numbness.
The perfect glowing makeup which had taken hours above hours to prepare was wiped off onto her sleeve.
Dark circles daring to look like a black eye were seen so far down below her eyes, like her eyes melted down.
I need help!
She screamed at the top of her lungs.
The only shining thing on her body were her tears glistening down her face.
Her tears in which she had kept in for so long, hiding them behind her velvet voice and bright smile. She wasn’t a happy girl.
All the times she had asked for help, you passed off.
All the times she begged for help, it just wasn’t important to you. Because at that time she was a happy girl.
What is her label now.
Depressed freak.
Girl who can’t keep her tears away.
She wanted help, she never wanted to be labeled as a happy girl. She tried to keep her image nice and clean but the happy girl is never stressed or depressed.
The happy girl is happy.
Her image didn’t need help, her appearance didn’t need help.
She did.

I’m not sad. I really mean it.
I swear I’m fine as I am when the words I’m fine slip out of my lying mouth.
I don’t know what you want me to say when I say I don’t feel.
Do you want me to lie as I do when I say I don’t need help.
Do you want me to say I’m happy, an emotion I haven’t felt in years. Or do you want me to tell the truth deep down honestly, I don’t feel anything.
My emotions went away on a trip and I don’t know where they are. Serotonin took a U-turn out of my mind.
Dopamine lost the fight. But I’m fine, I don’t need your help.
I’m fine sitting alone
on my white turned red bed surrounded by my failures.

No, don’t put that chip in your mouth
You know it’s not good for you
And don’t even think about buying that chocolate
You know what it’ll do
Emily, why can’t you just be normal
Eat broccoli and spinach like the rest of us
Not fast food plus sizes

Why can’t you live in our universe
Nothing tastes better than skinny feels
So shape us those meals
Don’t act like you’re a size zero
When you stuff your face with honey nut cheerios
Don’t make your eating habits a lie
The truth shows in your thighs

Why can't you live in our universe
Where our legs are straw thin
And our arms consist of only bone and skin
Our wrists as small as our singular chin

Why can’t you live in our universe
Where we’re all skinny
And we’re all perfect twigs
Where we look down on the non-existent pigs

Emily, why can’t you be skinny?

Because being skinny makes me feel like dirt
I mean, what is it worth
All I can conclude is that
Skinny hurts