I have always liked the cold air
because it matched the feel of my skin
and the taste in my mouth

Today I found myself searching for warmth
and I ached for the heat
that used to shoot through your fingertips
onto my spine
in the middle of the night
when you were worried my heart
might actually
turn to ice

The smell of stale alcohol
and a slight pressure
upon my shoulder blades
greeted me
with cold air
and the winter sun

I thought that perhaps
my dreams had been reality
and that you were lying next to me
like so many times before

I opened my eyes
to find mascara-stained pillowcases
and blankets twisted
into a maze of confusion
and bitter disappointment

Last time
it was because I hid my feelings
and released them
through deep sighs
late at night
that only you could hear

Last time
it felt as though
the pain
would never stop escaping
from my pores
and the air around me
was thick with sadness

This time
it was because you could not bear
the pain of saying goodbye
when hello only came
after 10 pm, drink in hand

This time
I feel like I am choking
on every drink you have ever given me
and the only way out
is to bring the memories back up
like swords in my throat

Last time
I fixed the problem
with sleepless nights
by your side

Last time
going to bed
became a necessity
I grew to hate

This time
the problem
was waking up next to you
and leaving shortly after

This time
I wake up
with a heart
that feels like it was beaten
and bruised
in the night

Last time
you came back
because you never
really left

This time
I think you are gone
but I am too afraid
to check

I still do not have words for you
and my silence in the restaurant
was not due to speechlessness
or too many thoughts
trying to force their way out

I have just run out of ways
to rephrase the sentences
I say to you
every time
we do this

It doesn't hurt any less
and I still haven't lost
my will to fight for you
but I have learned
when to save my breath with you
because I know there will be
another time
when you will take it away

I woke up
thinking about that time
we stifled our movements
to keep from being heard
by your friend in the next room

The sun on your back,
I tried to wrap my fingers
around rays of light
and run them down your rib cage

Our lips hit like bolts of lightning
followed by thundering smiles
and streams of hot air

Your hands held me
as I wiped the hair
from your forehead
and laughed into your ear

As you try to peel your body
away from mine
I summon you back
with the taste of my tongue
until you have ingrained it
into your memory
and can remove yourself
without unanswered questions