How could I have forgotten
The way you kissed my forehead
Or the way you pressed your face
Into my collarbone
Or the way you twirled your finger
Around my necklace
The way I do
Every second
Of everyday
When I'm thinking
About you

I wish I could calculate
The number of times you wanted to kiss me
Subtract the number of times you actually did
Add the number of nights I spent awake and thinking of you
Multiply it by the number of nights you spent thinking of me
Divide it all by the number of encounters we've had with other men/women since you walked into my life
That would give me our compatibility, the amount I should care about where this (non-existant) relationship goes

She stands with her hands clasped together, fingers entwined
at the high table in the corner of the restaurant
Staring outside at the big city
Praying that some day soon her luck might change
Maybe someone might come along and take away her heart
Maybe she'll be able to quit this job
Bringing food to children and happy families and couples celebrating their 6 year anniversaries
And maybe she'll get to have some happiness of her own
But for now she cleans off the tables
Because it's the end of the night and everyone is gone
She'll go back to her apartment
Turn on all the lights
And pretend she likes the silence

I was the only one
Who you never taught to fish
Because I didn't want to learn
That weekend we were at the lake
It was your 80th birthday
And I said
Maybe next time
Not knowing
That there wouldn't be a next time
But that weekend was still my favorite
At the top of the list
Of all of the weekends I've ever had
Because I spent it outside
With the people whose blood would match mine
If they were to fall
On those stone steps
That look like God put them there himself
Surrounded by the most beautiful trees
Leading to the shimmering blue bowl
That He drinks from in the summer
In the blistering heat

You wouldn't say so
That He created this masterpiece
Now engraved at the front of my memory
But you called to the birds
Because you knew they would answer
And you swam in the bowl
Because you knew it would be cooler than the thick summer air
And you cast out your line
To see if the fish would come
And they did
But only to you

God speaks to those who will listen
And the fish come to those who know how to call them
Because the water and the forest and the fields and the sky
Were your church
And you prayed with your hands
When you tied the line
And whittled the wood
And you thanked with your eyes
When you watched the birds
And admired the trees
And you spread the Word
When you sang back to the insects
And called to the animals
As if you knew what you were saying to them

You came alive in nature
And it came alive with you
Not once did you complain
About the heat
Or the cold
Or the bugs
Or the waves
Or the weeds
Or the storms
You knew what would happen
And that it could not be controlled
Because nature had a plan
And that plan meant taking you
Earlier than we had liked
But not too early
For you lived your life completely
And now you are one with the earth
Perhaps Mother Nature
Did give birth to you
And now the breeze I smell
And the sun I see
And the birds I hear
And the grass I feel
Is you

You might not have taught me to call the fish
But you taught me to never stand with my back to the ocean
So it would not push me down
If you stand with your back to the ocean
You cannot see the waves
Breaking in their strength and glory
They will beg for your attention
Look at me
They cry
Look to the horizon
Going on forever
Watch the sun set
Watch the light slip away
There is darkness in this world
Face it, head on
Watch the stars start to shine
Your little pieces of light
Look for the moon
Almost as bright as the sun
Watch the sun set
Because tomorrow, it will rise

It feels weird talking to you
Like we're both too afraid
To laugh or make a joke
Or to say something that might prompt
I miss you, remember when we used to be friends?

That time is still too close
The cut I sliced into you
Has not yet become a scar

I'm still sorry I made you bleed
But you beat me and bruised me
Until I forgot how my skin looked before

Things aren't how they used to be
We didn't pick up where we left off
Because when I left you it was 2 am
And we were both in tears
Wondering if we would ever be the same

Now I'm trying not to bring up the fact
That I know everything about you
Because it might hurt to think about what used to be
And what if things have changed?
What if the person I knew so much about doesn't exist anymore?

Maybe you're happier now
I know I am
Maybe you're still trying to find a reason
I don't have an answer
For why I did what I did
I just knew I had to stop drinking the water
To get rid of the poison

This was probably a bad idea
Getting your hopes up
And mine

Sometimes I just want to cry
And tell you to love me
I want you to know me
I want you to fix me
I want you to break me

I want to be the most important thing in your life
The way I was before
And I want to break your heart
Over and over and over again
Please just talk to me
And think about me before you fall asleep
And pray that I love you back
Even though you know I never will

I want to annoy you
Until 3 in the morning
When we both should be asleep
I want to call you
When I'm drunk and alone
Because no one else will put up with it

The hardest thing I have to learn
Is if I really want you
Or a replacement
I guess I have options
I just need to take my pick

Please don't leave just yet
But stay oh so far away
Off in the distance
Where I can see your body
But don't have to read your face
Follow me wherever I go
Try to make no sound
And I'll look back but keep on walking
Until days like today
Where I just need to know
That you still care

The last guy I kissed
I haven't stopped thinking about
I kissed him in his bed
In the middle of the night
When we both should have been asleep

But I woke him up
Trying to get closer
And he woke up
And tried to get closer
I felt his fingers very lightly touch my hip
As if he was scared to press down
In fear I might notice
(but I did anyway)

So I pushed my bones out
Because I was scared he would feel me
And no longer be interested

"Stop."

The word escaped my lips
(I surprised myself)
He let out a sound
In between kisses
(He was confused)
Eventually he gave up
(Not that he was trying that hard)
And he went back to sleep
With his arms around me
My fingers tracing his hands
And still, I tried to get closer

He was the last man to touch my lips
And most of the time
I want him to be the next

I always wondered what you thought
when you kissed me
because your eyes always remained shut
as if you did not want to open them
and see that it was me
So I watched you
before, during, after
and sometimes
I thought I saw you smile

I always thought that maybe
you wanted the kisses more
than you wanted me
and I was squeezing into a space
smaller than my body
but I would do,
for now,
and I stopped smiling
just in case

I always noticed how you kissed me
on the cheek
and on the top of my head
and on the shoulder
when I was not looking at you
as if you were trying to break through
and send it through my veins
straight to my heart
and I could not help but smile

I always assumed nothing would change
and the fake love we had
would remain in the dark
of your bedroom with beer in our blood
and we would act cordial
the following week as we sat in class
People would say to me
I didn't realize you two were friends
as they saw you smile at me

I never realized that a day would come
when you would kiss me
when the sun was up
no longer hiding
from the rest of the world
but you did
and afterwards
you didn't do anything but smile