It all started with a swipe right
On a funny white paper hat
Atop a cute fellow
In a white Mustang.

Conversation slowly deepened
Until a call steepened
The newfound heat
Between the two.

A call to meet up turned into an adventure,
A night,
Then two,
Then three.

The connection they found
Was unreal,
Based in passion and similarity,
But not yet clarity.

Carved out of their schedules
Was time for one another:
A way to let loose
And ****** their minds.

But they must hold back!
Don't become attached!
He's leaving.
She's staying.
Distance breaks bonds like theirs.

She cannot stop herself
She becomes enraptured
With the ocean of his eyes,
His smile, his terrible singing
She falls in love with his life.

Somewhere along the line
He slips and falls
For her curves, her mind,
And her intoxicating personality.

So they continue in secret...
Afraid to say words that sting,
Afraid to let the heart sing,
For what it desires.

But tides turn toward the sun...
And suddenly he isn't leaving!
The heavens open up
To possibilities they could both only dream about.

They let the feelings sneak out,
Stopped maintaining the veil,
And let it show.

Six months and counting,
What would you know?

Glide, glide
Lithe little butterfly
Do with freedom's grace

Glide, glide
Across the meadows
Of classic red brick
And limestone slick
From rain and rain and rain

Glide, glide
Away from danger
Little butterfly
Be unfettered
By the flutters of others

Glide, glide
Show your colors true!
If only by this
Can you know you

Glide, glide
Little butterfly
Till dusk comes rest
Where in the rainbows of the sky
You return to where you belong

Glide, glide
Little butterfly
Peace, peace, peace

Silence
Golden silence
Sweet as a siren's song
From the oceans of the sky

Rich red velvet
The antique vanilla of wood
Wafting through every corner
With the cool, mellow breeze
Limestone pillars calling to my aching soul
Bars echo the hollow voice of the *****
More massive than Cerberus itself

High gold sheens
With the sparkle of prayer
To an all-knowing God
Mosaics of thought weave themselves into
Stained masterpieces

Here my soul can cry out
Not afraid of passers' by!
Though the peace coaxes me
Into mighty reverence

A breathe,
A sigh,
Ease.

Tall chairs, no backs
Short chairs, tall backs
Arranged in geometric mazes of social anxiety

Round arrangements of fruits, salad
Burgers, comfort foods on rotation
Fruity drinks, PUSH here
Infused water to dull the senses

Alone and lonely
Tall chairs
In front of a screen projecting my insecurities
Stalkers and murderers
A Lifetime of Crime

Friendly face appears around the corner
Handsome tanned face, ***** blonde hair
Eyes clear as blue-tinted topaz on a sunny day
Music had connected us once upon a night
Briefly
And here we are again

Sunday small talk
Over eggs sunny side up and the false illusion of a smile
Church, homework, moods of days
Then on the subject of RAs
"I met him before school,
As part of the Summer Bridge Program"

"I know, I came early too.
Now we're even."

In the cast of all my burdening sensibilities
We are even
You feel it too, don't you?
Pretty face, pretty eyes
All just lies

Sixty fakers masquerading as one of them
Beautiful girls with tanned skin
Hair masterfully tangled into curls enrapturing
The male focus
The boys with smiles brighter than summer clouds
Chiseled so well da Vinci would be proud
Striped cards glazed with a sweetness so thick
Masqueraders envy

Can it be spoken of?
Can I do this?
Can I do that?
Why do I even try?
They know I'm not like them
But I want them to like me
But my conscientiousness, my pride, my will to stay alive
Threatens to swallow me whole
Until all that's left is crumbs
Of guilt, self-consciousness and greed

I am an imposter
I'm always the one that's not like the others
Alienation

I want to reach out and caress them

But they're u n t o u c h a b l e

To those like me

A ******* the corner
In the red rain coat
Is blowing a gum bubble
With the finest bubblegum in town.

As it expands, she sees lovers meet,
Children being born,
Friends meeting for coffee across the street,
All in the blink of an eye.

The bubblegum stretches miles in seconds
Dreams expand to the beat of her heart
Rings, homes, kisses, fantasies,
Flavorful and impassioned.

Too far, too fast
The bubble pops far too soon
Fights, blights, illness, death
Returning back to the sanctity from which it had arisen.

All that's left of the bubble are memories
Of those it affected
Deflating slowly but surely
Into the eternal abyss.

Intimacy isn't just bodies for
Skin-to-skin contact to superficial
Swapping of spit
And all the other ****** fluids known to man.
Flesh degrades.
That's what medicine exists for.
Therefore *** is easy.

Intimacy is the heart-to-heart connections.
There is no shortcut, no replacement.
Those who have it thrive.
Those who don't feel the void
Yet cannot satisfy it alone.
Many try *** and fail.
*** exists to deepen intimacy,
And without such is simply a stream
Of happy, happy chemicals
An ephemeral high...
Meaningless.

I crave the ability to gaze upon
The surface of a soul,
To glide my fingers in the warm pool
Of emotion,
Of trust,
Of love;
To hold another being in my arms
And soothe a ravishing, ravaged heart
Much like my own.
And to know that such is reciprocated equally
To my broken self.

I crave this more than anything
So I must wait.

The door clicks
The light flickers off
You go from being part of "them"
To being you
Alone besides inanimate belongings
Lending only temporary distraction
From yourself.

In the dark,
There are no boogie men
Only your conscious berating
Assaulting
Worries rain
Tears fall
And no one's the wiser.

Every statement becomes a question
Every little insecurity metastisizing
Growing to ail the mind.

Fear not
The light will come again
And when it does,
Happiness will float down
Like petals after a summer wind
To comfort and ease your suffering

Do good
Do the best you can
And all that you deserve will follow.

He was my light on the darkest night
My love from up above
My reason to wake up in the morning
He made my world rotate on its axis
His moods the seasons of the Earth.
He was my world.

a y e a r
Improptu
As sincerely as possible He says
"Elizabeth, I'm glad I'm with you.
Happy anniversary,"
With eyes like melted chocolate

m o n t h s  g o  b y
Inch by inch,
He inched away
Withdrawing from my world
Like a terminal patient
I clung onto my God
Believed He could see my pain
What He was doing to me
He would stop!
All would be well!

My World became so cold as He withdrew
The chills
The silence
The unending tears
He became bare
To any ornament of grace I have ever known
He imploded
And I was the collateral damage

Confusion wracked my mind for weeks
Which turned into months
Which morphed to anger and resent
How was this caring?
I put in all my faith and I was let down

This is why I'm not religious.

A cat and a ball of yarn
Three women knit pretentiously
In a rain-lit corner
Beautiful they weave stories
Within the rugs of old
Then there is I
In the other corner
Attempting to piece together
Bits of my own sanity
Only to find the thread wants nothing to do
With the needle
I cry
Oh I cry
But it changes naught
The thread is free from the needle
And I am the pin cushion.

Home at home
Home at last
Words come to fruition
In the fire's blast.

I have been gone
Too many years
Expired thought
My poetic mind
But alas,
True iron wrought

My pain dribbled
Syncope drawn
To the fain of a loving heart
Gone

So, joy!
I'm here again.
Words prove to be
My longest friend.

I am seeing now what I didn't see before
You forever disfigured me
You made me question if this boy,
Who has supposedly been in love with me
Since the day he met me,
Loves me.
Do you realize how much power that takes?
Power it takes to shred up every bit of me and even when I carefully braid my strands back together to make any sort of good rope,
It's still not good enough to make a basket
Not sturdy, not solid
All the insecurities still slip through
Thanks for that
Now I don't trust any boy

Flowers bless
Corpses solely in anguish
For a next life not

Echoes ring through my head
Making it ache
Ghosts and ghouls and poltergeists
Appear from nowhere

It's all in my head
It's all in my mind
That's why I can't bear sleep tonight

Echoes play over like movies
Sight, touch, taste, sounds, smells, emotions
On replay
You wonder why my head aches

It won't go away
The ache
Someone take the knife out of my bleeding love
Please
I'm done
But the echoes play on and on

Save me

A notebook I've found
On my adventures as a journalist
Drew out my heart on the string
Of a tug-along toy.

This notebook was not one of the written word,
But of fantasy and fable,
Drawings of a forgotten child.

The boy--or girl, I could't really tell
Loved to think of Sunday meadows,
The stars of a winter's midnight
Pictures of bright spring daffodils lacing
The charm of a blank page.

As the notebook went along,
the child got older and in the sweet meadows,
children started to appear,
one by one.
In the must of the dusty room in this ancient house,
I imagined children dancing upon
The sunlight of eternity.

In the back of the house
Lay a cemetery
Stone mantelpieces subtly naming
The children in the pictures.

And at the end of the row,
An unmarked grave.
Tears filling my eyes as I flipped to the last used page of the notebook,
There was written:
"Crimson paint, the alley red, all is done and lost."


This is the tale
And the cost
Of the Doodles of a Forgotten Child.

Winter leaves fall harder than most,
covered in the ice of Jack Frost's ghost.
They fall much too hard, and much too quickly
And the beautiful echoes shatter sickly.
Maybe the wind will take the pieces
Off into peace,
Or will they sit there and decease?
Is there a reason for hope?
Or will nature have to cope
With the broken pieces in the dirt?

Life is a loaf of bread
It starts out beautiful and whole
Each unique
With its own ingredients
Bakers
And style of bread

Slowly but surely
Time eats away at the loaf
Slice by slice
And what isn't eaten by time
Is eaten by spores
Some sticking around for much longer
Than need be
Turning a once delicious loaf of bread
Into a rotting end piece of nothingness
Until it all disappears

Degradation is the story.
Life is a loaf of bread.

a pocket watch floats by
golden
but dented, scratched, engraved, marked
on a highway of sorts of these pocket-watches

the pocket watches come in all sorts of metallic shades
some bland, small, and working
others large and delicately engraved
slowing to a stop in front of your very eyes
others mid-sized and beaten till the internal cogs show
long gone
floating all along this river in the sky

each mark tells a story
a metal a personality
an engraving a name
a dent an injury
a scratch a pain
each pocket-watch
a life.

A whispy hand reaches down to flip over a bronze device of tremendous proportions

Numb is all she feels
As she sees her life s
                                         p
                                          n    i
               ­                       i      g     r
                                         l        a
Out of control.

The only life this girl has ever known
Has been ripped out
Like a rug
Right beneath her feet.

Now, knowing the foreseeable future uncertain,
She feels so much more than numb.
Loneliness, sorrow fill this only child's ****** cavities,
To where the Novocain smiles and laughs of the sun are blessings,
But the sobering dark is a curse.

For only now has this teenage girl set her roots in deep,
Gotten attached to the life
That now proves so temporary,
Flimsy like a piece of paper.
Social nuances and schoolwork
No longer seem to matter in the grand scheme of things,
I'll be gone soon enough,* she thinks...

It's best to detach early
From this ephemeral life,
So maybe it won't hurt so much
When it's all blown away,
Like cigarette smoke in the wind.

Lonliness drives itself into her bones,
Trapping the girl in her own internal world.
One which says
"It doesn't matter anymore."

*The golden sand of the bronze hourglass slips on,
As I slip away...
Begging for a new life,
But praying the old will stay.

Sweet body of heaven's past
Has come calling for you
And although the paths seem straight
You know the wicked blue
You fire a bullet into the sun
Sending it over the moon

Tis the way, way, way
Of the ricochet

My lover once told me
To yourself always be true
And till now
I still believe in this
I promise you
But there are many days
That I have wasted yet
Because I'm afraid of the
What comes next
The endless ricochet

The sound shall bounce off the wall
Of a fair palace of old
Resounding throughout the land
Calling of ricochet

But one cannot forever
Forever live in the pain
Of not knowing the future
For thou hast come in vain
You have only so much
Time on the earth
So spend it to your best

So fire that bullet,
Cross your gun,
And prepare for ricochet!

No matter what reactions are
No matter what they say
Let your flag reign high
In the sky

Yes,
Aye, aye, aye, aye
Prepare for ricochet!
(Hey, hey!)

How I wish the world was different
How I wish you could be near
How I wish I could come to you when i'm crumbling
How I wish I could hear
How I wish I didn't have to **** you
To recover some happiness
How I wish the world wasn't crying
Why wasn't I ready for this?
I know time passes
And things, they change
But in the end, won't all  the pain be the same?
How I wish that I didn't have to do this
I'm sorry, so sorry
But I can't keep doing this
I can't keep wishing for the impossible
Hoping for the best
So I've made a decision I hope I won't regret
So I'm sorry...
But this is the end.

Why is it that
Even when you've been planning the break
Prepared yourself for the shatter and shake
...it still hurts like hell?

Shining in the moonlight,
I see the glass wall.
And through the other side,
I see you.
You see me too.
We get ever so close,
But we can never touch.
Some days the glass is so thin,
It can be matched with a spider's thread,
While other days it seems miles wide,
A thick barrier of regret.
Today, your palms are splayed on your side of the glass,
Mine follow suit.
I peer into those hazel eyes of mystery,
And I see everything:
I see your love for me.
I see your inner beauty.
I see your demons.
Your temper, your desire to be the best.
I see it all.
Maybe you look into my green eyes from the other side,
And see the same in me:
See my beauty,
See my love for you,
See my underlying trust in you,
See my past,
See my pain,
My dying hope for the future...

My only true wish:
To break this glass wall,
To touch you,
To kiss you,
To hold you,
To love you how I long to
To say all the words that don't sound right without the backing of presence...

But until the time of destiny shall come
I must endure this pain,
Try to maintain whatever hope I have left,
And wait here at the glass.
I hope you do the same...

Dear Beautiful Boy,
I don't deserve you,
but I have you.

Beautiful boy,
What do you still see in me,
Through everything?

You say that I'm worth it,
Love I'm not perfect.
I don't see
What you see in me.

All I've done is hurt you
Scar you till you bleed
Yet still you have
Stayed with me,
Stayed with me

You, my Beautiful Boy
Are so high above me
You're the atmosphere I cannot see
All the way from Earth.

You don't see how spectacular you are
All the way from up there
When it's plain to see
Sitting in this tree

What do you see in me
From up there in the stars?
Am I a spec of dust
Beneath your boots
A diamond sparkling in the sun?

Tell me, Boy Beauty,
Why me?
What beauty do you still see in someone like me?
When I see none at all lately...

Tears slip away noiselessly in the barren night.
The occasional sound of restless need and anguish
Escapes my lips.
I am cuffed helpless by the continuation of time,
By the continuation of distance,
By the reality of too-far-off daydreams.
I can't.
I can't.
I want to, but I can't.
I can't fiddle with time at will.
I can't determine fate.
I can't even drive.

I just can't...

A flower
Grows upon a rock
Bathed in the fresh morning light
It had poisoned water to grown off of
But it assumed the light was alright
Then the moon shimmered only silver
The sun had come and gone
Eternal darkness cast upon the earth
And the Ice Age began.

One night
The moon was high
As we said goodnight
With the longest goodnight kiss I've ever had
And the feelings I felt
All through that night
Had me hungry
Hungry for more

But here we are
Separated
By distance
Emotional and geographical
And I'm just
Waiting for the time
I can see you again
But till then
But till then
I'm hanging on a memory

The look in your eyes made me feel just right
Like I'm some miracle to behold
We fit just like puzzle pieces when you held me tight
Kissing my lips like they were yours

But here we are
Separated
By distance
Emotional and geographical
And I'm just
Waiting for the time
I can see you again
But till then
But till then
I'm hanging on a memory

I never thought
That I could ever miss someone
As much as I miss you
I never thought
That your picture could bring tears to my eyes
I never thought
That I would ever long to hear
Someone's voice as I do yours
Isn't that crazy, baby?

Yet here we are
Separated
By distance
Emotional and geographical
Just longing to be with you again!
But till then
But till then
I'm hanging on a memory
Hanging on a memory
Yes, oh yes, a beautiful memory~

Sometimes I feel as though I am not me
I am not myself
That I make up my emotions
That I doubt my feelings if I'm not in the moment of the emotion's happening
I cannot stay true to anyone
Not even myself
I am not set in stone
Just a sun-bleached sheet blowing in the wind
I am closed when I need to be open
I am open when I need to be closed...

Is this okay/normal?

The way you have made me feel was nothing short of spectacular,
Miraculous,
Beautiful,
Just from your gaze.
One kiss from you had me mad for more.
One conversation and I was hooked on you.

Although the time we have spent together so far
Has changed us quite a lot,
I still find myself thanking the universe every time we get to talk on the phone,
No matter how ordinary the topics were or how short the call was.
I am still hooked on the memories, daydreams, and wishes to be with you.

But Lord Almighty,
Or whoever else shall rule the deep blue sky of night,
Tell me this isn't some cruel cosmic joke.
Promise me this is true and I've found my other half,
Because if this is all just a phase to end on a dime,
I surely won't know what to do
With the overwhelming emotions that shall surround me,
Engulfing me entirely.

I hope not.

If life is a highway,
I hope you're not just some detour
That takes me to the worst part of town
And leaves me there.
I hope you're the u-turn that saves me
A lotta useless traffic
Leading me in the right direction
To my path of eternity.

If life is a highway,
I don't wanna ride it!
Too much **** traffic.

Mind goes blank as the screen is white,
Text boxes stare yet to be filled with delight,
So many emotions, but no words to describe them,
As hard to grasp as an image in an opaque gem.

I am sickened with such a terrible curse,
And I pray it upon itself reverse.
And I shall write with such ferocity,
That the words will drip with such viscosity,
To attract any bee that might come its way,
And that its followers shan't stray.

For this is what I pray,
Will no longer grant me dismay,
Amen.

I am known as the Living Questionnaire
Inquiry is my ecstasy
Silence is my downfall
Imvestigative and compelled for the truth I seek
"Why do I do this?" the best questionnaire in me asks myself.
Because I'm bored?
Not always.
To better understand humanity? Probably.
To indulge in the otherworldly experience of touching a soul by questioning a mind.
Yes.
...delightful...

Try to live a little better each day in some way.

The world is just a puzzle
We try to find our missing pieces to make ourselves whole
Sometimes we find shredders
Or the edge of the table below our cardboard limbs

The college guy that goes out on Friday nights to the same bar,
Trying to find a temporary thrill,
Seeks excitement.

A young lady who wakes up every morning to get to the gym
Seeks wellness.

An old widow with his knees bowed next to the alter at church,
Looks to find sanctuary.

A man watching the people pass
Looks for inspiration in the lives of others.

The greatest of sinners
His back to an metal table
Limbs strapped one by one
Says one last prayer before darkness overtakes him.
He seeks redemption.

What are you seeking?

A summer night is full of ephermal things
Doing activities to make you happy for a little bit
Just to pass time
Just to distract from the lack of something
Or someone
Messing with technology so I don't daydream about us
Listening to music so I don't think about the way you looked in the moonlight
Doing anything so I don't think about how much I miss you

But when I do think of my longing for you,
I cry.

I had a feelin I was gonna meet someone
When we encountered one another
That day

I can't explain the phantom hug
No not to this day

We've been through so much
All because of me
And you're still here
Though I've lost pieces of you along the way

I hold on to the conversation
That lit up my heart
I hold on to the glances of the boy
With that green emerald eyes
That fixated on me in the dark
I hold onto that kiss
Your body against mine
Most of all,
I hold onto you because
You felt like home to me.

I've always been one
To never admit defeat
I've never been one
To watch how I speak
I've never been one
To expose my soul too much
But you opened me up
Without even trying

And now,
When you call
I still smile in the night
And I believe
That everything will be alright
Because I

I hold on to the conversation
That lit up my heart
I hold on to the glances of the boy
With that green emerald eyes
That fixated on me in the dark
I hold onto that kiss
Your body against mine
Most of all,
I hold onto you because
You felt like home to me.

I've pushed you away so far
So fast
I can;t believe you're still here
You've seen me through the worst
You have yet to see me through the best
But I thank the sky that you're still here with me
Because

In a world of strangers
Feeling so apart
I have found
One to open my steel heart
I have found my home
In you.

Clear tears are reflected in the mirror
Fingertips lie on cold glass
Locking eyes with someone I used to know
Back when they had thought before they acted
Back before they were beautiful
Back before they were loved

But now
I don't recognize the figure
The beautiful lie she portrays
Touting herself as honest
Then breaking him with not one
But four lies
The boy loves her
She loves the boy
But not enough apparently
Now the relationship with the boy she dreamed of
Hangs on by a thread
And it's all her fault
Eyes tell the story of her haunting guilt
Nightly tears
Can't seem to forgive herself
But no one else seems to see
But the ******* the other side of the mirror

Fingertips slide down the glass
I beg to the good one for help
But she turns her back
I break down and pray for a miracle
Because it'll take one to fix this

When you're in pain,
you strive to feel nothing.
So thank you, Numbness.

I swore I wouldn't do it again

I did it again

I hurt him again

I can't fix what I've done

I've cracked his trust three times now

I'm drowning in guilt

I swore I'd never hurt him

I did

I wish I could go back in time

Back to before all this happened

It's all my fault

All of it

I want to make myself feel pain

Like I made him feel

I need to make myself pay

So I don't do it again

I can't bear to lose him

Although I didn't deserve him in the first place

"I'm sorry," doesn't heal ****

I don't know what to do

I'm lost in my own pain

And the fact that I've hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt

I'm so close to losing him

I don't want to **** up again

help me, someone

anyone

But when he asks what's wrong,

I say

"Nothing."

You know what inspires me, readers?

A master.

"Of what?" you might ask.

Any talent.
Any science.
Singing.
Medicine.
Dance.
Chemistry.
Painting.
Arithmeti­c.
Theater.
Literature.
Even something as simply beautiful handwriting.

Anyone who can execute their talent with excellency and proficiency above my own abilities, to define such a term.

All entice me into improving my own skill set
So that one day I might be a young match for the known and loved.

Inspiration.

You are a country boy
I am a city gal
You like country music
I adore rock n' roll
You are hot headed
I am patient
You are chill
I am emotional
You are creative
I am just smart
You are athletic
I am not

You'd never think we'd get along so well
But you complement me
Every bit of you keeps me coming back for more
That's undeniable
I can't be bored when I'm around you
You are the air in my fire
I heat you up, you keep me going
Yes, I like this very much.
Maybe I'll keep you around ;)

Situations
Bring us down
Or pick us off
Off the ground

When I met you
My sky was blue
But there was no sunshine
Till I met you

Now you've got my head spinnin'
But you've soothed my troubled soul
There's nobody else for me
Indeed
You've got me addicted
And every conversation brings me higher
Addicted
I never want to come off this mountain high
That's you and I

That night
Your touch felt right
No surprise

There was just somethin in the air
Uncut tension
Split only by a kiss of passion

Now you've got my head spinnin'
But you've soothed my troubled soul
There's nobody else for me
Indeed
You've got me addicted
And every conversation brings me higher
Addicted
I never want to come off this mountain high
That's you and I

They say
We're too far away from each other
To make this work for us
But you know
I'm not afraid to meet the devil
As his doorstep if I must
If it means being with you
Because that's all I want to do

I am not quitting
There's no second guessing
We will prove the haters wrong
I love you
And you love me too
I believe that we belong
There's no movin' along
I'm addicted to you.

White letters in a blue box on a white screen
Tell me what you cannot speak
But wish to say

They speak of untold desires for me
They leave me as "astonished" as my beauty is according to you
They insist I am perfection
That you'll always come back for me

And in one of the blue boxes
You tell me something unreal.
You say you seek the light in everyone
And that I possess the brightest light of any you have seen
The light of good intentions, good in an evil world like a lighthouse to a ****** in a storm

Light Seeker, you flatter me
Kind words, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, depth, genius
I am sinking fast

To me, you are a ship's lamp
Hardy fire within
Dusty on the outside
But warm beneath thick glass

Light Seeker,
I might be falling again
Catch me, will you?

A long while ago
Perhaps a year
I wrote a poem
About a beau

And now,
He's back
And better than the last time, I can tell
And in my heart he shall be allowed

He says all these great things
True to himself
He says he's changed
But how deep are these springs?

I am willing to give him another try
And I try to glaze over any doubts I possess

I urge to reach the sky
Touch the clouds with your hand in mine
I know we can
Will you be great with me?

And if all falls back to Earth,
I promise to always care
And attempt to do good by others.

Words in a courtyard
Returned ring
It all ends

See maroon jackets
And I think of you
Controlling my urge to cry

Without the intimacy
I'm alright
Though I still care, and I always will

Now
I am not alone
I'm just not attached

Dream of another
Stuck in my head
Make me wonder

Where do I go from here?

To the other figure?

Do I take my time?

(All in due time.)

From close up
I am deceived of what I feel
Doubting myself
Asking, "do I really love this guy?"
But far away
I say I love you,
Or I simply say your name
And a grin spreads from ear to ear

Close up, I love the feeling of your arms around me,
The hearing of your voice and feeling the rolling vibrations come off your throat, your scent so comforting
Far away, I long for them, to feel your arms, to hear and feel you speak, to be with you

Your words of love make my heart float above the surface and far into the clouds
But I sink back down to the seafloor with self-deprecation
And anchor myself with insecurities, past horrors, regret and fear
Am I holding myself back?
Is it that I do not love myself?

Am I fooling myself completely?
I'm not certain if what I feel is real
I don't want to play with your heart
Tis a delicate matter
I don't want to lie to you if I'm not certain
Or maybe my mind hasn't registered the message from my heart
Maybe it's just me
Maybe I need to step back from this tree of belief
And reexamine from afar
Maybe give it more time

I apologize for the confusion
Back to the regularly scheduled programming

I find myself again
F
  a
    l
      l
        i
         n
           g

Towards pain
Towards pleasure
Towards desire
Towards love
Where talking to one person can make me so happy
Where not can make me so frustrated and sad
And I wish not to stop
My d
         o
           w
             n
               f
                 a
                    l
                      l
Despite the possible consequences
I will not live with regrets

Digging down deep is difficult
So many things these days only skim the surface
Or what we are capable of
No one dares to look inside
Afraid to shovel out the bones buried in the graveyard of memories
Afraid to be paralyzed with the fear that is ever apparent
Cry the tears that are ever evident
Be struck with the burning lightening of anger
Or the shallow mallet of loss
We bury them all so deep
We believe nothing can touch us
There is no way any being on this earth can touch this stone cold iron heart, no one
Then someone comes along
And without knowing, teases out little bits of that heart
Melting it slowly
Leaving us vulnerable once again
Exposed to others
What we wished to avoid in the first place
Sometimes, the person tosses the glass heart aside
Shattering it into a thousand sharp pieces
And other times, they cradle the masterpiece of human desire gently between their hands and place it on a shelf only they can reach
And toss you theirs for safe keeping
A gamble of emotion
An exchange of hearts
Love it is

Feeling all
Embracing all
Fearing not
Love it is...

Long gone friend
Thousands of miles away
I've been all wrong

A friend like no other
You've been there for me
And been ignorant to you
Only thinking of myself
And none of you

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is all around
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
There's not a fix for this
But I say my apologies

Older brother I see you
An adviser through the fire of adolescence
I've broken you so much
And yet you tolerate me
Yes, you tolerate me
And yet I still have the nerve to be ungrateful
And I have made you so hateful
Oh a cruel reality indeed

You are the one I run to when I'm down
And desperation is abound
You help me pick up the pieces
Using you dry to hatred I have
And I cannot erase my mistakes
But I say my apologies

I am young
I am weak
I am stupid
I am meek
You are strong
You've helped me through so much
Then I went and broke your love
And we stand
Ever so far away
In every single way

My wise adviser
Rich with the creativity of poetry
I have hurt you
I've ignored you
I've only come when I've needed you
And I'm so sorry
I cannot fix what I have done
But I'm sorry...

Hello followers
Young and old
I've been gone a while
And there's a story to be told

Young, stupid me
Followed a whim
Broke up with a great guy
And took a chance on him

He is a curly haired gamer childhood friend
Evan, the name is
Funny, unique, weird
And that little smile of his

Weeks the sweetness lasted
And I thought maybe this could be
But one night it soured
And the next morning, he broke up with me

Yes, he cares
And yes, we're still friends
But he has further confirmed
At one time or another all ends

So now I'm left with remorse in my heart
And my mistake on my mind
In the end life's just a big lesson anyway
So I guess I'll leave the regret behind

I'm okay
Just another door to close
Wish it wasn't so
Just highs and lows, I suppose