i heard that you tell people to turn off
that song
when it happens to come on

did i ruin something for you?
did i bleed into everything you once enjoyed?
did i claw my way into your thoughts and make a home?

i hope that i did
because me ruining a song for you
is nothing quite like what you ruined for me

this house will never be my home as much i try to force it to be

its the remembrance of pieces of myself i've left in different places
that wakes me up from my dreams

its the hole they've left where my happiness used to be
that causes a migraine when i am alone

i've clawed at my skin to try to bind the hole shut
but nothing is strong enough to keep it that way

i've tried ripping up the roots of myself in those places
so that nothing of me is left

is it because those places don't deserve my memory
is it because the only reason that my roots are still grounded
is that i cannot let those places go

is it that i cannot change



it seems that all i can really do is let the previous roots die
and plant brand new ones in the places i never want to forget

im halfway there
fifty percent
almost

the feeling has peaked
you have come out of hiding again
it's refreshing to see the black and white lines that make you
how they bend and connect
how you breathe and recollect

i never miss you so, because i know you're always here
binding the parts of me that don't really fit together
making peace within my brain
and rest within my soul

i never see quite as clear as when i'm near you

it is a violet hue
an indigo sky

something in the color you bring
that is harmonious
and glues all the pieces together

sometimes the glue remains wet
but time lets the wounds heal
and the glue finally dries

putting all the pieces of the puzzle together
revealing the larger family picture
something that makes sense to us

you are apart of the sense
the knowing
the teaching

it never hurts to continue learning

i used to never understand why some didn't celebrate their birthdays
i guess now i do

which people do say that when you understand a new perspective
that it may be growth

but is it growth when i see that my own birthday is just another day
is it growth when i waste twelve hours of my birthday, sleeping

is it growth when i'm too worried about other people
when my birthday is supposed to be about me

eight years is either a long time or a short time for something
some days it feels like there have only been a few days in between
it feels like a millennium on others

i think eight years is both good
short and long
for things to change
occur
begin

sure
a lot has changed for me in the past eight years
but sometimes it feels like nothing has
just a vast forest that never grows

some days i feel twelve again
others i feel that i'm eighty

but somehow certain things can stop me from feeling either
and make me feel good for just a few moments
and remind me that no matter where i go in life
i'll always have this moment
these things
that i used to die for and have moved on from

i'll always have them
and i'll always feel that way the first time i accessed them

sometimes i look outside from the suffocating box i sleep in
the sun is usually out and keeping a watch on everyone
i just sit there
nothing changes
i usually still feel the empty parts of my body ache

sometimes it takes awhile for things to change
or at least that's what i try to believe
lately that hasn't been the thought

but what i seem to forget is that it's okay to stop
it's okay to stop something that's affecting me negatively


im not a nobody just because i quit something

i have more power quitting it than continuing it