i guess missing you came in stages
none of it was overwhelming
it was just there
a you-shaped hole right in the center of my being

first came the sadness,
everyday was waking hell
and i'd remember how much you joked about leaving me behind
now that it was real i could hardly function
but the sadness didn't last for long

after that winter i was filled with fire
it was anger that numbed my senses
anger at you
at us for not honoring the promises we made

now it is autumn and i lay my head to rest
in the arms of my new lover
she does not have your smile
or the softness of your voice
but she is.

i wonder which star you are
despite it all
i still wonder about you
Cassiopeia seems to be bidding me to sleep

You aren't going to find what you're looking for
in the mouth of the new woman you love,
even if you search behind her teeth for years,
even if you finally find the words to describe the emptiness
that blooms inside your body-
You're never going to find whatever you're trying to find
within some other empty chest,
mouth,
stomach.

She will let you look though.
She will offer her body to you
as if she's spent her whole life waiting for you to use her
to feed your soul.
She will map out all the places you can search,
and tell you all her stories
of how she grew into those places you're about to hollow out.
She will let you take her apart and search for yourself
behind her lips,
and
between her thighs.  
She will let you,
and so will the next one,
and then next one,
and the next.

You will burn through their bodies like a forest fire
until you realize-

Whatever you're looking for
can only be found
in the only place you are too afraid to look.

Whatever you're looking for is somewhere lost
inside yourself.

every night my mind is suffocated by the thought of waking up the next morning alone, without you by my side.

so i light another cigarette and drag it hard to take the pain away, knowing that it's killing me inside. the easiest way for me to cope is to convince myself that im the cigarette and you're the lighter. get it? without you it's just a cigarette. i need you.

im more addicted to the thought of you than i am the nicotine in my cigarettes.

many of times I've heard the phrase some people are too beautiful for words and you do nothing less than justify their accusations perfectly. Your mind and body is a canvas painted carefully. Every brush stroke telling a story. Every line every curve. you're an original piece of artwork never to be duplicated.

i wish so badly that i could collect my thoughts long enough to tell you how i feel but knowing that words
aren't enough for you I'll just stop here. you deserve more than words, more than the world, more than me.

The voices in my head are screaming now, so loudly that I can barely close
this free write. but without the voices in my head I'm **** near positive the silence would've killed me faster.

It hurts so much
To act like I don't remember.
To look towards my toes
When you sulk down the halls.
It hurts because you will never understand
Why it burns
Or why I left.
You will only ever know that I pushed you out,
Not that I did so because you were pushing me in.

It was in your car we shared our first kiss
as I raced out to catch the train
and you caught my nose instead of my lips.

It was in your car I agreed to meet your friends
and you told me for the first time
I was beautiful when I smiled.

It was in your car new years day
you nearly crashed three times because
you wouldn’t keep your eyes on the road but instead on me.

It was in your car you decided that night
to take me to the park before home and
we danced in the dark under the stars.

It was in your car on that 40 degree day
we got half naked on the back seat and
made out the afternoon away

and it was in your car you broke up with me
on the way home from a weekend away,
where I realised I was in love with you.

It's been so long
since I last kissed you,
that I think my lips

may have forgotten
how to move themselves
together with yours.

Trust is not given, but earned
And old bridges must be burned
But you cannot close what was never open
And life tends to favor the over-churned.
From time to time, if you may
See a whole universe in front of you
And maybe next time, per say
Pick someone by the way they look at you.
With gentle eyes
Or with contempt.
If they light up when you smile
Or when you agree with them.
Sure signs of a surely scattered lover
Should come clearer to you than this.
For instance:
          •If they seem like they don't care for you, believe them.
          •If they tend to make other plans when you schedule dinner with your parents, leave them.
          •And, if they let you go to sleep unhappy at night, retrieve their belongings from your apartment, scatter them into the streets and do not allow them to open your now-closed door.

When you see your old love.
You see her happy
Smiling and shining like the sun.
Knowing that she's living her life without you.
Knowing that you treated her wrong to the point of a broken bond.
There ain't going back to it now.
Even if it's been five years.
And now I see the one thing I wished I did.
A lucky soul got the chance to put the ring on your finger.
I'm not mad I'm just sad but content.
Knowing the fact that could of been me but I blew it before I knew it.
Seeing you smile and shining like the sun.
You always are going to be my high school love.
And I wished I could go back and change time.
But I learned to be a better person because of you.
I learned to never take anything for granite. Your an angel and always will be one.
It took all of my teen years to finally forgive myself.
But to be honest with you.
I'm happy.
I'm happy that my sweetheart found happiness.
And I'm proud to say you were an important part of my life. Who knows if are paths will cross in another lifetime.
But you will always be my first Love.
And thank you.
Your an angel that deserves everything this world has to offer. Maybe this is the epilogue in the final chapter of our book.
Or maybe it's the ****** till the next one in the series.
But to this day before and after
I pray that your happiness last and your smiles keeps shining.