I'm watching Donnie Darko with the lights on
And I'm thinking about all my old friends
And how I've wasted all these years, but I coped with most of my fears, and you know: things seemed different then.

And if you fall apart, the bottom is a good place to start when you have to pick yourself back up again.
And if you're falling down, when you hit the ground, give it a kiss and realize this: you know, it's not too late to be the end.

And I fell in love with all the things that make me human. I forgave myself and everyone else too. And I stopped looking for the answers. They're still there, but they're different for me and you.

And if someone tells you no one cares, please know that that's not true.

Melting away down this empty street,
No one in sight and no one to meet.
I'm not okay but it doesn't really matter,
The liquids flowed, and the alcohol stung my mind.
This nicotine rush is what's keeping me alive,
These drugs I have are altering my mind.
Because my happiness is just temporary,
And my existence is only momentary.

She wore a fur coat
Made of a lame prophet
'Cause she was blind.

Carried my weight on her shoulders
I suggested she open her eyes
The rest, I had memorized.
So At least when I died
She was always on my mind.

I was a terrible navigator
In the court of god, convicted sinner.
She had a hunger for shape shifters
I fed her.

Soon as the car started,
we parked it.
Leaned the seats back, fogged the doors
I stared at her collarbone
We didn't go far.

Who could have predicted
Her body in a Broken mirror
I was her seer for two years
Shame I couldn't see her

This all could of been different.
Shepard said to lamb
Follow the dog, He knows the road
figured god assumed
My soul was cold
Her soul was coal that warmed the home.
The hearth, the meat, the lame, the blind.
The Golden brown, leaves outside.
The autumn trees like Coffeeshops
call out to me

She Hollows out our her dowry
pollen spread like a dandelion.
Polluted whole cities with seeds

Memories and libraries
The chalk outlines in my mind
All that was left of these things.

So whether you fall or fly
Girl, I'll be singing

If nobody listens, I'll paint the clouds.
If no stare is lifted, I'll shake the ground.
If everyones sleeping,
I'll give them something to dream about.

If nobody sees it, We already lived
a life worth dreaming
so who gives
a **** who pays attention.

Just let the lame guide the blind.
Just let the lame guide the blind
Just let the lame guide the blind

I fumble for my next dose
Blue chalky circles spill
Onto white linoleum
Clicking for every lost meal
Bounce like My shaky hands
No interest in obeying
Nobody ever stopped asking for an answer.

My first vice
Dependant on malnutrition
addiction, in fear
fists coming down, off the high.
there is no such thing as a familiar crash
Always a new drug.
hands struggle without muscle
We shake together.
Indulged in recall
Dissolved in water.

I sometimes feel bad for my first upper
Too quick to cheat
Carbonated me fat
Made my teeth fall out
Drew me into television
Tom and Jerry became my bedtime
I gorged myself on escapism.
After a seisure I would regret that much of this new drug.
I ration just enough
She forces my shaky hand
Insist I never talk to her while the show is on
the show is everything.
a vacuum, dusty room, spotless television
There is never a crash.
Only crippling mania

I won't **** this new addiction..
Her absence is a gateway to new powders
this Killing drug gave me the power to stop craving more.
There is closure in calling a poison by it's first name.
We call ourselves poison from the very beginning.

the little blue pills are my escapists cure.
I always go back to coffee
kept warm, by an indulgence I can hold around family.
I've a curious tongue, an educated pallete.
Seven years slinging uppers, black.

Before I learned how to read a clock
All I wanted was for it to snow
In maine, I'm skeptical when not frozen.
If I made a snow angel, I would never come down.

Snow makes beautiful quicksand.
It's hard to inhale when drowning.
I am also more likely to expand my pallete on oxygen alternatives when drowning.

The ocean has infectious curiousity
Sirens dwell there for a reason.

if I had a boat.
I wouldn't make it past the poppys

Thankfully, I do not have a boat.
Only weak Coffee

Pain begats pain begats mo pain
series, succession. string, sequence
-a chain
I'd like to pretend that I was surprised
but I cannot feign
-ignorance
woven intricately into the fabric that is me
-it courses through my veins

I realize that it sounds inane
maybe even a little insane
but it is what it is
and what it is  
-is a stain

It's so hard to abstain
from feeling and inflicting this pain
this same pain that's been ingrained
from the generations before
-they opened that door and
lacked the knowledge or strength to obtain
the necessary tools to annihilate and decimate
the entrance into things
that would
devastate, level and obliterate
their children and their children and their children and
-my children

On my campaign to feel less pain
I entertain the demons
Mary Jane and *******
In my inebriated state, I was unable to ascertain
the damage that I'd added to my heart and brain

Nothing eased the pain or the shame
All that I had left was the pain
the pain
the pain

So, there I stood
beating my chest and screaming toward heaven
...praying for rain...

mother spills lies from her wine stained lips; the ones that I used to kiss goodnight.
"I love you," she says, but she'll do it again.
she'll shatter my heart and walk upon the broken glass, ****** feet and wondering where she had deceived me; but she's only deceived herself by shooting up another time.
going to drug deals at only age five, I grew up too fast and there's a world of chaos inside my mind.
the pain lashes out on me like I've been hit on the skin with a rubber band.
my toes sink in the sand and I stare into the ocean of the disease, she's drowning in the water but she knows how to swim.

She is destructive.
Her smoky tail curves and curls around you,
Whipping her deadly gases about.

She breathes out a swirling rainbow
That seems to drown out anything else.
Her breath fades into a deep blackness that consumes everything in sight.

The tar on her skin drips from her tear ducts
and falls upon the ground, sizzling and creating voids
On every inch of free space.

How ugly she is,
And yet she entices you.
How long have you been her entrapped prisoner?
How long have you been chasing after her?

Never love your captor,
Never chase the destruction.
Never say the fire warms you
When I can so clearly see the burns on your skin.
Never say the blade is dull
When you have blood dripping from your wounds.
Never tell me that White Demon has no grip on your forearm,
When I will watch you dragged through mud and blackness
At the cruelty of her hands,
Blindly and unknowing.

How long have you lusted for the White Demon?

he left you,
you text charlie again
"where are you my love?"
to your plea, the response is clear.
gone fishin'.
"ill be back when i'm ready,"
the harlot says
in the midst of the chaos.

to be brought back to abnormality by the sound of his insecurities leading to your own demise.
you're not crazy.
i'm not crazy.
i am not crazy.
to the mountains and skies,
my brightness and light.
to the burrows and shade,
brought out at late.
i'm questioning my peace of mind
trying to justify another's.

say it out loud in your head, in my head.