I cannot do this any longer. I have tried for so long on my own and found nothing. I finally sought out help after years of secrecy and lies and pretence but still nothing. There is nothing any one can ever do for me because there is nothing left of me and nothing left for me. Who I am or was supposed to be was stolen. They took it. Though the memories were repressed, I always knew there was something different about me. I felt no struggle to fit in with the crowd or have a huge friendship circle. I got on with everyone. I have had insecurities but that is all. As I got older I realised I like being different. I am much happier and I can express myself better. I hate conforming so I never did. I always found a way around it. But long before the insecurities I knew there was something else in me that made me hate who I was. Or rather, hate my life. I guess I have been feeling like this for much longer than I thought. The self-loathing did not occur when I was in high school. Much earlier in fact. Right around the time I was eight years old perhaps. When I told my best friend ‘I hate my life’ and ‘I have a horrible life’. What I did not realise was that it was something other than emotional abuse. Emotional abuse played more of a role in later years but the original cause was something a lot darker. I physically feel sick when I think of this happening to others let alone myself, especially to a child. They prey on you. Take advantage then leave you. Little do they know they have pushed you onto a dark, twisted, thorny path that leads to destruction. Your own mind goes against you. Your own body goes against you. I was not equipped for this battle. I have nothing to armour me. No weapons. No shield. So it is time for me to surrender. I don’t want to be afraid. Rather than continuing forth with this meaningless existence, it is much better if I end it now.




© maria.who

Perched quietly on the dark oak wood
Gleaming, so bright. So .. beautiful?
Waiting
Waiting
No. I mustn't. Fight it.
Withhold the temptation.
Breathe.
Don't let go.
Stop it from screaming.
Please.
Stop it from staring.
Come now, just hold me tightly.
Keep me close and don't let go.
Just a touch, just this once
Stay with me
A scratch on the surface
Not too deep
Again and again and again.


© maria.who

I feel so inclined towards you yet I feel so distant.
Whenever I believe I am attaining closeness, I'm shown exactly how far back I truly am.
I see myself as a participant in this race
In reality I am simply a spectator, onlooking,
as each person passes me by.
I yearn for those spells of closeness I am exposed to
Those veils that are lifted, sometimes for a mere second, others longer,
before I am cut off and the doors sealed.
I must not let myself slip or fall any further
For in those moments the screens rise, no longer do I wander blindly.
The wounds begin to heal
I'm lost in the ecstasy, hypnotized by the beauty
The light reflects off me and all that is around me
The moment it goes blank I feel empty and lost
I am confined in the darkness, my entirety submerged in the blackness
The journey I planned, comes to an abrupt stop
Many paths lay ahead of me, decorated with the allures of the world.
I refuse to let the ugly beauty trap me
I find myself to be at war once again
My thoughts, confused and chaotic. Which path do I take?
Every move I make must be strategically planned in order to win this battle
And I shall continue participating in this battle, positioned on the front line
Alone
With steal for amour and my mind erasing all that is trivial, insignificant.

I have hope this bitter struggle will be worth it, that there is a reward
This goal cannot be achieved of my own accord
I pray, with your guidance, your mercy and your blessings, you will forbid me from straying
You will conduct and influence the steps I take towards you.


© maria.who

A smile etched upon my face
Light in my heart
Calm after a storm

It was worth it

© maria.who

( comment below please )

When I tried to tell you
I couldn't think
I couldn't feel
I couldn't breathe
So scared.

So ineffably difficult and painful
Emotionally. Physically.
Panic and regret and worry
Emotions heightened so greatly

You were clueless when I tried explaining
But when you were told by someone else
You found it hard to believe
It was impossible you said.

And when I told you myself
I didn't know what to think
Terrified it'll come crashing down
Terrified we'd lose it all
I couldn't think
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't feel
So scared.

At last you understood.
It all fell into place
Now you know
Finally
All that worry for nothing

I'm glad you know


© maria.who
(comment below please)

I should miss you
But I don't
and I have no idea why....?

Is it acceptance
or am I forgetting?



© maria.who

( comment below please )

It comes down to this.

Is this worth it?
Are you worth it?


© maria.who

( comment below please )

Immature and competitive
Childlike from my perspective
Trying to out do one another
Insults, stubbornness, banter
Who will be the winner
Which one is the victor

(Un)important questions remain unanswered
Disregarded on purpose. Fun and games? Or
overlooked because there is something more?

True or false? I do not know.
Yes. Let it be true.
Much more than a simple notion.
No. Let it remain false.
A figment of one's imagination.

The clues are there, are they not?
Is this a misunderstanding?
A case of over thinking?
Some more clues would be helpful
Complete this unfinished puzzle

Straight up confrontation?
A simple yes or no
A misread signal?
Is giving time the best for a revelation?

Forget it all.
It comes down to this
The end to a ''crazy situation''?
The moment of truth?

Do you?
Do I?



© maria.who

(Comment below please)

You remembered.
So you enquired.
I spoke.
And you smiled.

Delight,
Radiating from your face.
The immediate smile.
The sparkle in the eyes.
The words of encouragement and praise,
Of excitement and gladness.
Genuine expressions of joy.
Never will it leave my mind.

Pure interest.
Curious to know more.
Light friendly conversations.
Something to cherish,
Something to hold.

Soon you will leave
A memory
Imprinted for eternity
Who knows when we'll meet again
A memory is all that is left

This. I never want to forget
And for that,
I just want to thank you.


© maria.who

(Comment below please)