I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve
The suicide diaries
The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone
The Suicide Diaries
Hold me tonight.
I'm shaking and I can't sit still.
My sadness bounces off the walls.
It echos in my mind and settles in my chest.
It's heavy and it sloshes in my lungs.
Steals my breath and robs me of my smile.
My fingers twitch with wanting.
For something to hold on to.
So I can keep from falling off the edge.
Into the empty caverns that sit behind my eyes.
My lips quiver.
They feel bare without a cigarette pressed between them.
Letting me breathe again if only for a moment.
A moment so wonderfully deadly.
That I never want it to end.
Hold me tonight.
Before I slip away.
Sometimes it is not the reality of a death that shakes us,
But the absence of beautiful life.
How I do so tire of watching all of the beautiful things
Wilt and die.
I'm basking in sadness
Like lovers do after heated love-making
It coats my skin and leaves me aching for more
Another taste of the pleasure of agony
The only difference is I'm alone
There's no one there tangled up in the mess of me
And in the throes of my passion
There was no one to witness the arch of my back
Or my teeth digging into the softness of the pillow
The bruises it left aren't hand-shaped,
And they lie underneath my skin instead of coloring it
Sweet agony is a lonely existence
Yet one that I invite into the emptiness of my bed as often as I can
I need something tonight
Something that isn't gentle.
I need teeth leaving marks on my flesh.
A hand pulling my hair.
I need a wall against my back.
Arms to lift me, bend me, control me.
I need to battle.
I need someone to moan in my ear.
I need bruises and aches.
I need to wake up tomorrow hurting.
To see the evidence of beautiful violent passion.
I need to be painted black and blue.
I need to feel.
Oh God I need to feel.
I've lost my bottled happiness
And here I am stooping low
then lower again
I was happy once
When was the last time
That you woke up
Because you love yourself
Or because the sun
Was there to wake you?
Because for me
It has been
I'm not well
Deep down I feel it
For what I am unsure
It sits in my chest
On my ribs
Beside my heart
Beating away at the same pace
Some kind of sadness
The type not so easily
Expelled by things in bottles
And I want to silence it
Make it be still
Just for a moment
So I can continue on
Let go of the fatigue
Of the hopelessness
And just be
I woke up this morning and for no particular reason wanted to die.
So I stayed home until that feeling passed, as much as I felt it was going to anyway.
Then I walked out into the world and acted like everything was perfectly alright hoping that maybe I could even convince myself. But the thing about it is, nothing is okay.
I am empty, and I am sad and things like that don't simply go away.
Broken ceramic plates
Cracked porcelain dolls
Glass shards scattered on table-tops
Describe how incomplete I feel.
As I stand smoking cancer sticks
In the torrential downpour outside
Drinking the smoke
And breathing out the toxins
An old woman passes
To tell me that death will find me quicker
If I don't stop lighting memories on fire
So I smile at her
Shaking the fog from my eyes
Letting them swim
With all the promises I couldn't keep
Tilting my head to let them drip from my ears
Onto the tired pavement
I lick my weathered lips and
Offer her the words
I've been afraid to say
Since I've been floating on the wind
Without you to keep me grounded
*Do you promise?
And in that moment
The stars whos' dusty tears
Combined to build
My broken frame
Shook their heads
And finally faded
For I had failed
And that my dear
Is what stole the light from my eyes