I was soul food for you
While you watched me starve

The day snuck up on me this year
Five years is starting to feel long
You're no longer my yesterday
Darling you're just gone

Hold me tonight.
I'm shaking and I can't sit still.
My sadness bounces off the walls.
It echos in my mind and settles in my chest.
It's heavy and it sloshes in my lungs.
Steals my breath and robs me of my smile.
My fingers twitch with wanting.
For something to hold on to.
So I can keep from falling off the edge.
Into the empty caverns that sit behind my eyes.
My lips quiver.
They feel bare without a cigarette pressed between them.
Letting me breathe again if only for a moment.
A moment so wonderfully deadly.
That I never want it to end.
Hold me tonight.
Before I slip away.

Sometimes it is not the reality of a death that shakes us,
But the absence of beautiful life.
How I do so tire of watching all of the beautiful things
Wilt and die.

I'm basking in sadness
Like lovers do after heated love-making
It coats my skin and leaves me aching for more
Another taste of the pleasure of agony
The only difference is I'm alone
There's no one there tangled up in the mess of me
And in the throes of my passion
There was no one to witness the arch of my back
Or my teeth digging into the softness of the pillow
The bruises it left aren't hand-shaped,
And they lie underneath my skin instead of coloring it
Sweet agony is a lonely existence
Yet one that I invite into the emptiness of my bed as often as I can

I need something tonight
Something that isn't gentle.
I need teeth leaving marks on my flesh.
A hand pulling my hair.
I need a wall against my back.
Arms to lift me, bend me, control me.
I need to battle.
To hurt.
I need someone to moan in my ear.
To scream.
I need bruises and aches.
I need to wake up tomorrow hurting.
To see the evidence of beautiful violent passion.
I need to be painted black and blue.
I need to feel.
Oh God I need to feel.

I've lost my bottled happiness
And here I am stooping low
         then lower again
I was happy once

I'm not well
Deep down I feel it
The wanting
For what I am unsure
It sits in my chest
On my ribs
Beside my heart
Beating away at the same pace
Desperate longing
Some kind of sadness
The type not so easily
Expelled by things in bottles
And I want to silence it
Make it be still
Just for a moment
So I can continue on
Pass this
Let go of the fatigue
Of the hopelessness
And just be

I woke up this morning and for no particular reason wanted to die.
So I stayed home until that feeling passed, as much as I felt it was going to anyway.
Then I walked out into the world and acted like everything was perfectly alright hoping that maybe I could even convince myself. But the thing about it is, nothing is okay.
I am empty, and I am sad and things like that don't simply go away.

Broken ceramic plates
And
Cracked porcelain dolls
And
Glass shards scattered on table-tops
Cannot
Describe how incomplete I feel.