You're so bad at hiding feelings.
But this you hide from me.
You stopped wearing your heart
On your sleeves for me to read.
Now I have to ask.

Maybe you're not hiding
And I'm the one in love.
I promised I wouldn't fall for you
And crash into your timid heart
With nothing to break my fall.

I'd feel your heartbeat
Shaking me like an earthquake
And I wouldn't know
If you're infatuated Or afraid.
We both don't understand you.

But all I know for sure is this
That It has nothing to do with me
Because I fell in love with a sad girl.

I cannot cleanse my soul
     until I remove the filth

I cannot mend my heart
     until I remove the hate

I cannot live my future
     until I remove my past

I cannot breathe in peace
     until I remove **myself

and in place of the love
        that once filled my heart
there is now only glass shards
        tearing my insides apart

and in place of the good
         that once was seen in my eyes
there is now only hatred
          fueling my demise

and in place of the innocence
          that once filled my soul
there is now only memories
         capturing me like a black hole

and in place of the happiness
         that once filled my core
there is now only sadness
        stealing my life forevermore


**brokenness can't be fixed,  
     it's not like it was
             before

Night drifts into a sun filled day
Memories fade but never go away

Seeds blossom into the most beautiful flowers
Minds remember only sadness in the darkest hours

Oceans crash into the shores as waves
Tears are fueled by hearts set ablaze

Boys become men and girls become women
A soul must break before it can begin

Sun turns to dusk at the start of every night
Everything must go wrong before it becomes right

Write* me down
Paint me bright
Draw me beautiful
Watch me fight

Know my heart
Feel my soul
Think about me
Don't lose control

Don't let me fade
Don't let me die
Show me the way
Don't make me cry

Sing my chorus
Type my plays
Remember my words
Love me **always

"Court, you can't die with him. You have to let go."

But what if I need to?
I can't go to that coffee shop without losing my ability to breathe, as if I was hanging next to you.
I can't  listen to "Chasing Cars" with thinking about lying next to you and forgetting the world and myself.
I see your cousin at school and I see so much of you in him.
I can't go to the movies without wishing our fingers were intertwined.
I see flowers on the side of the road and all I can remember is your parents in all black kneeling at an alter in prayer.
Snow globes, hot chocolate, super hero movies and all the things that reflect us pull me through our timeline and remind me that I can't bear to look at rocks without seeing your name in that stone.
I can't drink coffee without tasting your vanilla kisses.
I can't look at ropes or strings or laces or ribbons without seeing your body hanging from your ceiling.
You used to leave me with smiles and stupid jokes but on October 13th, all you left me with was our history. And now its slowly carving my name into a rock and that's all I've ever known about letting go.