have you ever fallen into a pit of complete and utter lonely misery only to be awoken by the touch of porcelain torn up fingers screaming for God to have mercy on your mind, and I swore to all of the fallen angels the sky got a little brighter every time she prayed, but God doesn't smile with his teeth and he's laughing every time you get on your knees for him.

I used to think when you kissed me, you were healing me. I now realize that you were just filling my throat with poison. I now realize that with every touch from your ever so soft finger tips, you were tearing my skin away from me. You were bruising my body like it was nothing but the head of a nail and you were the hammer. You were making my brain melt inside my mind because your words were so harsh, yet so gentle how could I not love you. How did I not see that your eyes, your beautiful, radiant, green eyes, were nothing but black holes that ****** every part of reality from my mind. I was manipulated. I was hurt. I was dying because when you left, you took every ounce of hope and happiness that I had left. You are a thief. You are a liar. I am alive. I don't know how I did it, but I pulled through, and I am so much stronger now. I see the beauty in everyone that I thought you took away from me. I can smile and laugh now, the qualities I have that I thought you stole in my sleep. I am happy. The one thing I never thought I'd be and you are suffering. I wish you good luck through this mess you've put yourself in, because I cleaned mine up, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always like this. I was happy. But it's been so long since I felt the warmth of that feeling, I no longer allow it for myself. I'm so use to the cold empty feeling of sadness that I don't need jackets. I don't need scarfs or sweaters or blankets or the touch of another human being because I've made peace with this monster. This disease. This virus that stomps around in my head and flows through my veins and fills my lungs. This thing is now a friend and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because it's never leaving. It has built a home inside me and refuses to leave. It grows every time I try to smile or laugh. It pushes the happiness out of me like that is the real disease. I don't know how to stop it from talking to me. During the day it whispers to me. During the night it screams. It screams so loud it's voice echoes and multiplies. It tells me stories of death and how beautiful he is. How soft and caring he is. How painless he is. How gentle he is. It tells me how death enters quietly so not to wake you in your sleep. How death slowly approaches you and softly caresses your hair out of your face. How death, with every touch, slowly strips every piece of life out of you. How death takes your hand and pulls the soul out of your dying, decaying, lifeless body. How death lovingly and carefully kisses your now ghostly lips and tells you everything is going to be okay. But I've always wondered, if death were to visit me, would he shiver when he touched me because I've been so cold for so long. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death, the iciest thing you can imagine, feel cold for the first time. I wonder if he would weep when he saw everything in my mind. Wouldn't that be something. If I could make death cry. Would he feel remorse. Would he try and fix me rather than **** me. I dream of life after death. I think of how warm I'd feel. How soft the grass would be under my feet. How my jaw would ache from finally being able to smile. How my eyes would be blinded from finally seeing beauty. Wouldn't it be something if this sadness introduced me to death and finally gave me a life I have never lived.

remember when you laid me back and told me you needed to kiss every inch of my body, you needed to feel the skin that begged for you under your lips, no matter what words I string together everything about that night sounds like sinful lust when in all reality your lips kissed every bruise, cut, and bad memory away in the most innocent way possible and when you turned me over and ran your fingers down my spine before placing chapped lips of heaven on my shoulders releasing every pounding rhythmic weighing stress that knotted in my bones I knew at that moment I would spend forever in the miserable regret that being eerie to commitment would leave because no matter how much we loved, screamed and craved each other, the time could never be more wrong and I hope that one day my lips can kiss every broken freckle on your skin again.

downing every burning sip of straight black coffee as if every scorching taste could smother the unkept pieces of yourself you didn't bother picking up once you decided being with me was worse than being alone, at least that's what I thought until I saw her lips pursed down veins that only bled for me at one point but God knows each blue line to hell is simmering while every muscle in me just hit below freezing and to this day I can feel your hands beckoning to the curves on my hips pulling me closer without even pulling yet I still wake up screaming your name into my pillows and for some reason her tears are all that's stained on my sheets anymore, you took every whole piece of me and broke me down into something I could've never been and now parts of her just keep flooding out.

tracing the words 'already gone' into crumpled up sheets I couldn't find the sanity to wash your forevers out of
spitting up blood yet only tasting your name floating out of everyone's mouths like your name was anything less than holy
kissing every vein down your perfectly pieced body because god took lightning and ran down your skin leaving a road map to guide every blonde haired beauty to a one night hotel called your arms
running my finger tips down every part of your body you finally let the thunderstorms in your head touch long enough to leave a damage that left you on a search for a pain reliever that didn't scream her name