remember when you laid me back and told me you needed to kiss every inch of my body, you needed to feel the skin that begged for you under your lips, no matter what words I string together everything about that night sounds like sinful lust when in all reality your lips kissed every bruise, cut, and bad memory away in the most innocent way possible and when you turned me over and ran your fingers down my spine before placing chapped lips of heaven on my shoulders releasing every pounding rhythmic weighing stress that knotted in my bones I knew at that moment I would spend forever in the miserable regret that being eerie to commitment would leave because no matter how much we loved, screamed and craved each other, the time could never be more wrong and I hope that one day my lips can kiss every broken freckle on your skin again.

I thought of falling in love and your hands trace my thoughts like every word I mutter could mean everything at that moment and I live in constant demand of your arms around my waist and your lips pressed against my neck yet I runaway every time I get close enough to feel your breath
but the further I run the closer you pull me in never letting me get far enough away to forget your name completely and my lips only know two tastes anymore and it's ***** strung with your name
while I repetitively try to wash the stain you leave behind but it only keeps growing and you're not even here, yet I can feel your hands on my skin and I'm tearing at everything, trying to break free of your arms when all I wanna do is fall into you

Remember when you'd hug me goodbye and the words 'I love you' escaped my mouth like my body knew you meant more than I would ever let myself know. Remember when I wrapped myself up in smoke like I wrapped myself up in everyone's goodbyes because holding on to something, even when it kills you, is easier than letting go. Remember when you pulled me in closer and every will of my being screamed to push you away and keep walking, but every tiny nerve craved your hands around my waist and the temptation to stay when it's all so wrong is too much. In all reality's I'm just too scared of the 'what ifs' that'll haunt my head once we're through because if we tried long enough we could be more than something great. Remember the way my lips moved and the way my fingers ran down your neck as if every muscle in my body needed you to know, wanted you to know, that I love you more than I could let my voice admit.

some nights I stay up way passed the time you fall asleep just to listen to whether you'll scream to get out of a hidden reality of if you'll moan fighting to stay in one.
some nights I'll be kissing down your chest, no matter how content you'll look, my hands still manage to tremble down porcelain skin like the first night I ever touched you. glancing up because you're a horrible liar with the most stunning eyes and unwelcome hands are nothing more nothing less they are unwelcome and to think my hands could do more harm than good and I could not even know it.
you are art work. you are a story.
everyone near you is always eager to know more, dig deeper, find out what pushes and pulses through your veins
curiousity didn't **** the cat, a greedy society killed the cat.
always begging to know more, thinking there's entitlement and deserving throughout their blood like what is yours is theirs for the taking.
I want to walk in the sun with you
I want to kiss each of your fingers over and over
I want to remain what you want but I know how unwanting makes you rain guilty, I will run before I become another bullet point on why you keep screaming

she can't stand makeup yet I always find lipstick down my clothes once she leaves and I can't tell if she keeps cutting her lips on my skin or someone else can't get enough of the way she feels beneath them.
the thought of your frozen hands running down somebody else's hips should make me cringe in disgust but I can't shake the feeling of not feeling anything even when your lips brush against my neck even when thoughts of you leaving take over my mind like a hurricane takes over a city
I can't shake the feeling that nothing actually matters, the universe is inside of me screaming that every person is their own star but stars are always fading and changing yet so were you and now I haven't held on to anyone like I loved them with every planet in my bones since.

before I met you I had flood gates in my mind and a lock stronger than iron but you know you've always been a tidal wave with a thrashing determination to get your way
now I've got tsunamis every few hours because every thought is a wave without control and my mind has an occupation of its own

tracing the words 'already gone' into crumpled up sheets I couldn't find the sanity to wash your forevers out of
spitting up blood yet only tasting your name floating out of everyone's mouths like your name was anything less than holy
kissing every vein down your perfectly pieced body because god took lightning and ran down your skin leaving a road map to guide every blonde haired beauty to a one night hotel called your arms
running my finger tips down every part of your body you finally let the thunderstorms in your head touch long enough to leave a damage that left you on a search for a pain reliever that didn't scream her name

ice cubes crack once you pour a liquid over the top of them
you will
you can
you should
hear them crack if you are not too distracted by the sound of yourself cracking instead
maybe when you are pouring your favorite soda over ice straight out of the freezer you will hear it crack
but maybe when you are pouring your favorite alcohol or just any alcohol, probably not even the good stuff, because you finished that off last night and you haven't been going to work
you haven't been leaving your bed
you don't even remember what it feels like to leave your bed
so maybe you stopped hearing the cracking in the ice when you're pouring the only alcoholic, soul numbing, beverage you have left into a ***** glass because the dishes have been piling up for weeks and the only thing that even crosses your mind when you walk into the kitchen is who will clean the dishes once you're gone
but you've been gone and nobody even checks to see if the dishes should be done or if you might need more ice.

The kind of girl to down shots of ***** and strangle your name on other peoples lips.
The kind of girl to keep you up at night praying to a god you've never believed in just for him to look over his creation once more, she can't love oh Heavenly Father she can not love. Let her love me.
The kind of girl to kiss after every accidental 'I love you' you managed to cough out in ****** words because God knows this kind of girl is the kind to run when spending the night in his bed gets brought up
The kind of girl to dig her nails into her own skin to keep from killing everything she is, everything she's feared she could be.
The kind of girl to dress her curves in all black and leave her lipstick stain all over your shirt

she drowned in blue everyday I swear whether it was her dress or her eyes she was swimming in it. maybe that's why nobody questioned it when they found her lifeless corpse sinking under the bluest waterfall in that town.

have you ever fallen into a pit of complete and utter lonely misery only to be awoken by the touch of porcelain torn up fingers screaming for God to have mercy on your mind, and I swore to all of the fallen angels the sky got a little brighter every time she prayed, but God doesn't smile with his teeth and he's laughing every time you get on your knees for him.

I heard your name in her voice today
I saw your hair sweep corners of my face as you moved your way down my neck inching closer to every insecurity I could possibly lay out for you at once
I see your freckles dance on every other porcelain face I've ever had the pleasure to meet a little piece of you in
I drown in every ocean I go near just to spit your name out and cough up every I love you I've ever heard like its poison on the tip of my tongue
I heard your name in her voice today and I kissed every reminder of you off of her and on to me as if that could bring you back

Why can you only breathe apologies when you've taken in three glasses of wine or 6 shots of *****.
Tell me why her name only rings in the back of your mind when you're off your mind on something.
Tell her why you've started downing whatever you can get your hands on to hear her voice playing like thunder on a soft day.
Why is jesus praying for you to choose the right path, do what's right echoes after too many drinks. He's screaming her name in your ear, piling sign after sign down your throat and all you can do is say the time just isn't right.

I'm sorry that I will find myself more in broken skin and ****** blades than I will ever find myself in another human being
I'm sorry that the bottom of the bottle holds every type of emotional bond I've ever felt with another soul
I'm sorry that "I love you" is never enough because my hands will never only pull your skin in closer and my hands will never only write about your breath taking, infatuating kiss
I'm sorry. I'm truly, inconveniently sorry.
But I will fall asleep with the smell of your hair wrapped up in my lungs only to be awaken by the choking I feel without you next to me
And I will spread my torn up broken pieces all over your bed sheets while you rub my head mumbling I love you's like you're talking to an incoherent second grader because what is love if you are never going to be loved back

why does every sip taste like every word I choked down because my pride was much too big to let you know how I felt about the way your hair fell down every curve and the way you looked when you weren't even looking at anything but God your eyes could bring sight back to the blind and I swear you can go from the sweet rippling waters to the dark life threatening forests
and why does every sip taste like every forgotten memory like our whole past is nothing but a ******* dream that keeps replaying and our whole time together was nothing but wasted seconds, but why don't I regret every wasted second with your hands effortlessly climbing down my spine and your lips enchantingly finding my neck like our body's entwined is exactly what god intended for us, exactly what we needed.

AND YOU CHOSE THE WRONG PERSON BECAUSE I AS I AM COULD NEVER BE THE RIGHT PERSON I COULD NEVER BE ANYTHING GOOD AND I COULD NEVER LIFT YOUR SOUL FROM THE CRACKS IN THE ROAD, I PUT PEOPLE 6 FT UNDER AND I SCREAM WHY CANT ANYONE LOVE ME WHEN I DONT LOVE MYSELF WHEN I DONT LOVE ANYTHING AND JESUS YOUR BACK KEEPS TURNING AND IVE DRANK ALL THE ***** AND JESUS JUST LOOK AT ME, I LIED I LIED ALL I DO IS LIE LISTEN TO ME BELIEVE ME BE MY ******* PARADOX WHEN I SCREAM IM EMPTY, FILL ME, TRUST ME, LOVE ME, DO THE IMPOSSIBLE AND ILL WORSHIP EVERY STEP YOU'VE EVER TAKEN AWAY FROM ME

downing every burning sip of straight black coffee as if every scorching taste could smother the unkept pieces of yourself you didn't bother picking up once you decided being with me was worse than being alone, at least that's what I thought until I saw her lips pursed down veins that only bled for me at one point but God knows each blue line to hell is simmering while every muscle in me just hit below freezing and to this day I can feel your hands beckoning to the curves on my hips pulling me closer without even pulling yet I still wake up screaming your name into my pillows and for some reason her tears are all that's stained on my sheets anymore, you took every whole piece of me and broke me down into something I could've never been and now parts of her just keep flooding out.

I learned that love was sarcastic and love yelled when love wanted to.
I learned that love wasn't always happy but it was always beautiful.
I learned that the way love screamed your name at the top of its lungs and the way love laughed at your jokes even when they weren't funny that love really loved you.
I learned that love can come in many different forms, love can be peaceful, love can be hectic, but nobody can define love because it's never the same no matter where you go.
I learned that love doesn't always last and when love leaves love doesn't have mercy on your heart, love drags a blade across your chest and leaves you to drown in it.

he used to love the color red, but once the storms hit, red changed from love to blood in a matter of seconds and go ahead ask him what his favorite color is, you'll never get an answer because she loved every color there was and he can't get the taste of rainbows on stormy days out of his mouth.

And everything's perfect and everything's okay but now she keeps saying she's fine do you know what fine means fine means she can't bring herself to push the blade a little deeper therefore she's just fine because she know she isn't gonna die tonight.
Because when they ask how you are they're only asking so it's not on their conscience when your moms on the phone crying because you weren't just fine anymore and you crossed the ******* line and you pushed that blade a little ******* deeper and you took all your moms oxy and you swallowed all the ***** and now you're 6 feet under and your mom keeps telling everyone that you were the perfect daughter but when you were alive she couldn't even make eye contact with you

because hugging you meant feeling every sting of your actions and hugging you meant facing that it wasn't just me and hugging you meant hugging myself and I've been trying to get away from who I am for so long.
and I swear talking to you is like talking to a wandering kitten, pointless but nice for a minute.
they say give her love and she's sure to come back, but God knows those eyes were not meant to stay in one place and God knows there are better arms out their for her to escape in, for her to finally feel at home in.
I am not a safety net, im where you go when you wanna be broken, when you wanna feel something, and people like me don't ever get to be the one you get lost in for more than the night.

November
Never a happy month, never a happy time.
Two years ago, I felt the touch of a boy who never heard the words 'no' let alone knew how to listen to them.
A year ago, I felt a high that could only come from Vicodin, oxy, and whatever else I could get my craving, adolescent hands on. The first time I learned how to scream out in silence while I discovered the rush of not being in control and falling into what I've come to terms with as 'the spins'
This November, I wallowed, I drank away every ounce of imperfection id grown to hate, pounded down pain pills like they were the only release from the disastrous unified screaming matches that attacked every nerve cell on my body, in and out of black outs, never fully able to grasp the anchored weight I had placed on others hearts that night.
Awaken to hushed voices as if whispering could make the hatred I had for everything about my existence go away, as if whispering could make this vanish as if my craving for death had all been a nightmare, but the whispering did nothing but wake me from what I hoped to be a permanent sleep, awoken to my lungs gasping for air and my insides screaming to be freed from the chemicals I'd been drowning them in.

Ever since I was young I was never enough and I fell under the radar of your disrespect towards women, yet I myself was not anywhere near a woman. A ***** yet only 11 because bra straps showed and I had an opinion.
My voice was made to cross mountains and echo in thoughts of those too blinded by hatred to ever open their minds.
My voice was made to inspire the young minds of beautiful girls pushed down and limited by society's standards.
My voice may not always be strong and loud and it may not be heard 800 miles away but my voice is existent and my voice will change lives and my voice will allow comfort into hearts that have never felt acceptance.
I was not blessed with a voice to speak ignorance, I was not blessed with a mind to keep it closed.

Maybe some have futures greater than the current, maybe others live their futures in the current. Maybe love never actually comes and we fill ourself with feelings of lust and compatibility while love is just a made up word to justify the stupid actions that repeat occurrence when their name doesn't leave your sheets even if their body's been gone for days.
Heart break is only a reaction to love but if love is really all it's cracked up to be is heart break an out runable destination or is heart break the feeling of those who don't bother to ponder further into the mind of their own being to see that the only true love they'll ever need cant hold them at night but will always exist.
Would rather lust and desire be the production to the final act of despair and broken lungs, to the feelings of dismembered organs and screaming skin
Maybe we're all a poet at heart but God isn't always so harsh, maybe some of us aren't meant to be so strong that falling to our knees is the only real answer searching for a creator that has blessed many and forsaken little maybe the water runs rapid because everyone Mother Nature comes to love walks away when the day is done and the rocks haven't kissed her porcelain skin since last winter and she's dying to be admired by one while only many come, she's learned the acts of infatuation and lust, the ability to understand, the common sense to never trust because even the fish never stay.

To belong to something as beautiful as the sea offers a peace that jumping just might bring
To be a part of the waves your body so much craves and to linger in the waters everytime you soak your feet my touch hides beneath the sand so bury your hands as deep as you can my love hides in the sun so never stray from the light and my soul lives in the ocean so swallow the water and pretend I'm there with you tonight.

because shortening your name is more acceptable than screaming I love you,
because telling you to be safe is easier than begging for you to drop your walls and let me in
because writing words about how my love fades for people as fast as candles go out in the rain is easier than love itself but maybe I haven't been in love since my last heart break and maybe I know you can bring an end to the cold and bring warmth even in the snow and I know your lips could be the last lips I ever kiss but the last of anything is the first of something and I want my only last to be at the bottom of a couple bottles

You'll be able to taste every flinch when I lean in to kiss you, every doubt when words flow effortlessly off your lips, as if they were made for everyone's ears and mine just got close enough to believe it all might be true.
One little thing can leave our minds wondering where we went wrong, why can't I be enough, why are your words not strung on strings made up of my name, why is my name not everything in your veins, why oh why.
But whys turn into answers and the answers are never enough nothing is ever enough.

In order to love me you have to be able handle the sight of dripping blood and incoherent eyes falling into a place of imaginary peace.
In order to love me you must learn to accept the smell of cigarettes on my skin when I cry into your chest.
In order to love me the possibility that I will never love you enough will ring in your head for nights, and in order to love me you have to get used to never having my heart and always feeling yours break.
In order to love me you'll learn silence and sarcasm are my strongest weapons and in order to love me I recommend you dont.

I could write about how her eyes were bluer than the purest sea, that I wouldn't be so terrified of drowning if I was swimming in her eyes
I won't even panic when you start to push me under, I'll hold my breath, repeating how much I love you in my conscious, refusing to let every piece I've ever loved about you be the pieces that destroy me again
I would refuse to take you in and you wouldn't let up until I did because the desire to break every piece of somebody is stronger than the need to let somebody breathe without you.