it's one big nightmare
i never went to sleep for

some days i write poetry just to make another version of you;

a page compiled of nonsensical words
to stab someones heart,
leaving a scar with your name in bold.

a paragraph that can form your body,
the bends, the flaws,
the helpless hatred that i created,
the shameful love that id given to you.

a sentence, a word,
could create another you,
or at least a part of you,
an imitation through letters,
with illusions behind the meanings of contexts.

if you were a poem,
you could blind a person.

if you were a page compiled of words,
you could burn the hearts of those who came across you.

if you were a paragraph,
a simple sentence of words could easily puncture unguarded minds.

if you were a poem,
you could make a love built in the foundation of bones.

some days i write poetry just to make another version of you;

to burn the hearts of those who read it,
just like you did to mine.

I remember when I saw you hurt
I also remember how it hurt me to see you in such pain

And not the crimson streams and purples and blues etched on your skin, hurt
the kind of hurt that you thought only you felt.
But the thing is,
I understood.
I understood your pain more than I understood the back of my own **** hand

More often than not, I regret touching people because I ruin everything I touch and you were already broken enough
But for some unknown reason,
I touched you and you looked at me with only love in your eyes,
and you told me ever since we met, you began to hurt a little less

Day is laying in bed
with your arms around me
Night is going to sleep
looking at your beautiful face
Midnight is waking up
and going for a drive around town in your car
Heaven is
being with you
being with you
being with you
Hell is

being with you.

you said you would fix me and you did.

for a little while i was "fixed".

but then you decided that you didn't like that,
that you didn't like me,
and i was no longer okay.

i was no longer fixed.

i was broken again, only this time,
more than before.

the world is quiet and still
you've been sitting there staring at your wall for four hours
and that's when you realize,
there are no consequences at a time like this.

for doing such absurd things, like staring at a wall.

because from one to five it;s quiet and still,
and you finally feel okay.

i saw you with him today,
the schools very own 'golden boy'.

i would tell you how surprised i
am that you've already moved on,
but i'm not.

i'm in no way surprised actually; I've
always known you were like that.

one minute you were telling me how
you would fix me,
and the next minute you were out the
door, running straight into the arms of our schools very own golden boy.

i'm waiting for a text
that is never going to come,
from a person who is long gone

when i told you i had to go
i don't think you knew i meant forever

you're thinking about a place you'd like to go.

but you always find yourself staying at home
you tend to stare out the window,
like the moths that get stuck in
they smash themselves until their dust stops falling.

and just like them your eyes always seem to be caught in the lights
or chasing the setting sky.

that's the problem,
if she wanted to dance,
id let her wreck the furniture.

if she wanted to cook,
id let her burn down the ******* house.

and if she wanted to scream,
id let her deafen me.

I've never loved anyone enough to let them destroy me but ****,
she could take me by my throat,
and my eyes would sparkle at the mere inches between us.

i dont want to be her.
i dont want to love you.
i dont want to be your friend.
i dont want to even ******* think about you.
i dont want to write about you anymore.
i dont want to feel so hopeless.
i dont want you in my life anymore.

If my father apologized,
key word being if
because there is no when...

i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i love you and i know i don't say it ever but i really ******* do. you make me so proud and i can't believe you're my daughter. i get to watch you grow up, who in their right mind wouldn't want to be part of that?
i'm sorry.
i'm never there for you and we don't spend any time together and i always seem to be yelling. i've just been so tired and i'm not around all that much but, i still love you more than anything. have i said that yet?
i'm sorry.
i say i'm giving you thick skin but after i found out you wanted to die i knew my words were the things killing you. you're not a disgrace or an embarrassment and no, i don't regret you being born. i had been drinking when i said that. how could i regret you when i love you as much as i do? i should really start saying that more, huh?
i love you
i love you
i love you
i'm so sorry

if my father apologized,
key word being if
because i'm smart enough to know there will never be a when;
i hope it would sound something like that...

i don't think you understand,
i would have done anything for you
thrown away my entire life
all for you.

but you took that and you used it.

you used it against me,
hoping you could take what you needed
and get going.

so that's exactly what you did.

you broke me
taking every single ******* good thing about me
and destroying it.

you didn't even think twice
or look back at the mess you made
but what hurts more than this constant ache in my ******* heart,
is that even though you you've never been mine,
I've always been yours,
and i still am in a twisted way.

i carved your name into my soap
and scrubbed
until my hands no longer held the bar in them
i scorched my body with water
made it all a bright red
until you were no longer wrapped around me
the entire room was filled
with so much steam and i could hardly breathe
but that's when i noticed you were gone
down the drain the same way everything goes

i lost you in the shower

I miss you,
but I have too much pride to say it to your face,
so I'll say it to your back
this paper
any ******* person who gets me talking about you.

**** do I miss you

i need to learn how to forget you
to let you go
because right now im hurting and i dont think i can ******* breathe without you

everyone always says i have them to talk to
but i only want you
and you only want her

so i need to lose you
i need you to tell me you hate me and that you want to never hear from me again
otherwise ill be stuck on you forever
im your own personal leech
and i need to be burnt off
for good.

it wasn't until i was sitting on the floor of my shower,
hyperventilating your name into my hands,
that i realized you were the air i struggled to breathe
and i wasn't even the dirt under your ******* finger nails.

It's so easy for my friends to say that I should hate you.
The only reasons coming to their minds are
because you hurt me
because you lied
because you left

You've never hit me or beat me. But your words sure do have a right hook that has left more bruises than any hands could. The colors purple and blue have made a permanent home on my body. But no one ever saw them because they weren't visible to the naked eye. You knew they were there though, you knew and you kept hurting me

You said i love you like flipping on a light switch. It was something convenient for yourself and you knew how it turned me on. If only i had known you were lying.

I placed my heart in your hands thinking it was safe. But i what didn't know was that the reason they were so warm was because they were already a home to someone else. I didn't know. So i placed it neatly against your calloused palms and kissed it goodbye. It should have been safe with you. But i wasn't entirely worried until i saw you turn and run for the nearest exit. And i didn't break down until i saw who was waiting for you behind the door. You two took my heart like you'd struck gold; you never looked back.

They say i should hate you,
for hundreds of reasons.
But the twisted thing is, i've only ever come up with thousands explaining why i should still love you.

when you sleep its almost like all of your pains don't exist,
like they went far far away,
the hard part is waking up.

the first thing you remember is the last thing you thought about before you went to sleep.

and that's when you start to feel the horrible ache in your chest,
when you wake up hoping to see the one person you love most beside you,
because if they were there,
not just in your thoughts,
maybe the ache would dull,
maybe every morning wouldn't be as painful,
maybe then it would be okay.

but they aren't there,
making every morning just as painful as the last.

I was sick, so i sent out pictures of myself in blankets,
curled up miserably in bed with six boxes of tissues beside me
and each of my friends sent me their love in response.

I was sick,
so when you asked,
i listed my symptoms like they were my favorite actors and you promised you’d give me yesterday’s homework.

I was sick,
so i accepted soup and tea and let myself complain loudly.
But when i was too sad to function or having a panic attack or unable to stomach another day of being broken,
i sent out no pictures of myself.
Even though i was wrapped up, miserable and alone in sweaty blankets, surrounded by six boxes of tissues.
I told no one what was happening,
i said, “I’m fine, i’m tired, it’s been a long week,”
i lied through my sorry teeth and made myself walk through each day like a battlefield.

And i accepted no help because i didn’t deserve it,
took no time off because i couldn’t afford it.

I was sick, sure,
but it wasn’t real enough and when i was growing up, unless i was throwing up, i was alive enough to get things done
so i told myself i wasn’t sick at all,
just too lazy and stupid to focus,
just a big disappointment.

I was sick but i didn’t want to ask for attention or make people think i was too weird to be their friend or be one giant burden.

I was sick so i suffered in silence.

i texted you last night
i poured my ******* heart out to you
and you responded with a picture of you and her in bed that said "waking up next to my baby"
i don't think I've ever felt a pain like that
i wish i could hate you
i wish i could take back every ******* word I've ever said to you

I've always heard that real love is putting someone else's happiness before your own
I've also heard that it's the most painful kind of love to feel;
it's hard and rough

this love reminds me of your hands in some weird way,
you saw calloused messes at the same time I saw a home for my heart
my heart and I moved in together you see
and it wasn't the roomiest of places but it was the first place I've lived in that actually felt like a real home

your happiness on the other hand was never in the same place as mine
we could sit around for hours and while I found comfort in staring into your eyes, you found ways to compare mine to your coffee
I saw my future in you
but you saw an escape route from all the pain you've been feeling from being alone too much

we were never in love,
oh no,
but we definitely could have been

When you listen to those songs you used to love when you were younger
those moods you used to get in come flooding back.
How you used to dream in those songs, about leaving that town,
about growing out of that heartache,
about molding into those dreams.

But you listen to them now
and you feel that pain you used to feel
it hits you like a coma of sadness
you can't move, you can't breathe, you can't feel,
but you can hurt, so you do for a while,
you think of how you've grown
for the better, for the worse.

You remember how you thought those hits back then were tough,
or how you thought that pain back then hit bone deep.
Now all you feel is this nostalgia of what you thought pain really was and you slowly start to realize that was the little leagues,
you were the sad little kid on the bleachers but now you're not even on the **** team.

You run this show solo
and more afraid than ever.

But being afraid and alone is better than being afraid with the masses
because you know you're stronger now,
you know you can take this,
your bones have gotten solid,
your blood has gotten thick.

But you know what?

Blood will always be ******* blood and it will always bleed just like it used to back then.

old friendships are restarting
and people are forgiving those who actually hurt them but you cant even glance my ******* way when i walk by

i know you said it was over
but i thought after a while
your heart would ache like mine does and you'd miss me back.
its been two months
and you still haven't come around.

did you even love me?
i ******* loved you more than i thought was possible
did you even want me?
are you doing okay without me?
because i cant sleep knowing you aren't in my life anymore but it sure as hell seems like you've been sleeping better without me around

and i want to scream in your face when i see you and i want to say "*******" as much as i can
but every time work up the courage to say anything
i see you with someone new
and you laugh
and you look happy

i guess thats all i really ever wanted;
for you to be happy
but i didn't think that wanting your happiness meant cutting me out of your life

im looking for ways to forget you
but all I want to do is ******* text you

i should've known that when he said he hated the rain,
he was going to hurt me just like you did

she left yesterday,
well the only way a person can leave after they've taken their favorite belt and connected themselves to the ceiling fan in their room

she left NOTHING behind yesterday,
it's almost like she had been planning it for a while,
she burned all her drawings
any poems she had written
all of her miscellaneous notes..
gone

she left me here alone, yesterday
she didn't leave me a note
she didn't let me talk to her or try to help,
i didnt even know it was happening...
it was a Tuesday

she left and she took me with her yesterday
i needed her
no, i need her
and god did i ******* love her

she left yesterday
and now i sit here thinking about her
all i want is to see.. her,
so maybe if im lucky
this now empty bottle of pills and some sleep will bring me to her

she left yesterday
said it would make the pain go away
because you see, she had been feeling that way for a while.
her antidepressants couldn't keep up
and her parents' negative comments were just too much.

so she made her choice
always saying that if it were to happen; it was what's best for her
she didn't even leave me a ******* note
or send me a text message
i hate myself because i never thought too much into it; we both would joke about it for ***** sake.
but no one ever ******* said that that joke would become my reality

You’re wearing your last goodbye on your face like ***** clothing and she won’t look at you,
she won’t look at you because she loves you and looking means forgetting.
It means closing every door that leads to your hands and the bedpost notches on your spine.

The both of you will pass each other like lonely ghosts in the night,
except you held onto her wrist before she could leave and she stayed with you ever since.

She loves you so she won’t meet your eyes,
she wont unshackle her unsteady deer like legs to get up from the sofa.
And she most definitely will not tell you to go **** yourself for making her love you
or for not staying around for the collateral

I am a strong believer of the saying that people become someone new everyday.

Because in seven years,
I will have a body that your beautiful lies and calloused hands haven't touched
Skin that hasn't been torn apart by silver

You won't recognize my body,
I will be someone new;
safe
and untouched.

ten
I can't be with anyone else because they aren't you
nine
Your eyes told me more than your lips did
eight
You are the only person I've ever loved
seven
I miss feeling your hands in mine
six
I can't believe you actually left
five
You didn't even say goodbye
four
I'll always love you
three
I miss you
two
Everything hurts
one*
Goodbye

hey [delete]

i was wondering, how are you? [delete]

you keep asking me what i want to do about our current situation but every time i go to tell you the truth you tell me you love her [delete]

i love you [delete]

i love you [delete]

i love you [delete]

its currebtly 2:38 abd i am sooooo drunk and its fuxking crazy bexause every thing is so blurry righht now but my love for you [delete]

i hope she makes you happy [delete]

hey, we havent spoken in a while and i just wanted you to know that im doing a lot better. less alcohol and all that. i just wanted to say thank you for all that youve done to help me [delete]

i dont love you anymore but i dont think we should be friends because i know i would again [delete]

**** i still love you [delete]

please just talk to me. or you know what, dont. i need to not need you anymore. i need to be happy for once in my ******* life. so tell me you hate me and that you love her and always will. because i need to move on but i cant while youre still in my life [delete]

goodbye sean *[delete]

at some point in time you saved my life.

you thought I was worth something and you promised you'd help me.

a few months later,
I feel your calloused hands on top of my own; helping me holding a gun below my chin
I see your shadow behind my body;
creeping into my skin and taking over any light that had once existed
I hear your soothing voice and steady heartbeat;
I'm home right? you always promised you'd be my home.

but you're killing me now
why are you killing me?

I tried to let go of that gun long ago but now
you're sitting here sending me sweet nothings,
easing my mind so i'll pull that **** trigger

everything changed between us months ago,
all you do now is hover in front of me,
like a ghost plotting revenge against it's murderer
you said "I love you too **** much."

I'm screaming,
everything is becoming dark
and the pain has become too much
so you pull the trigger.
you're yelling "this is it.
this is the last ******* time."

you had your eyes closed
*you said "i never loved you, I never even tried to."

why is it so easy for me to push away anyone who actually wants me
but when it comes to you,
oh baby you've got me on my knees begging for a chance.
they say that everyone only ever wants what they can't have
and I never thought it was true
until i met you

i love your smile
i love the way you make me laugh
i love you
but i love being happy more, i think

i miss the way we used to talk
i miss you wanting me
i miss you
but i miss who i was before you more, i think

i hate that i love you
i hate that i miss you
but i hate that i lost control of who i was more, i think

most of all,
i hate myself

maybe i'll always love you
and miss how things were
but i'm done hating me because when it comes down to it,
i'm all i'll ever have.

it's okay if i'm not the girl of your dreams
or the one you dance with at prom.

i just want to be the girl you think about
twenty years from now
as youre staring at your morning coffee,
wishing you hadnt poured so much milk in.

because now its much too creamy to resemble my dark brown eyes

i thought you actually cared,
when you sent those messages.

you said how you were sorry
and how you missed me so dearly
only for me to find out you were drunk
and i was the most gullible
and closest contact
to your fingers.

you asked me
what do i want to do
and you would have thought that i jumped at the opportunity to finally say,
"be with you"
but i didnt

hell, i could have even said
"be your friend"
but i didnt

instead,
i never responded
and you never asked again.
because we both realized there was
nothing to do
i didnt know
and you didnt want to try and find out anymore

which was fair
because
you loved her
and i loved you

agony for a week
pain for the next
but after a while you forget
and then it's like they were never there at all.

it seems like none of it happened
you were never apart of something like that
it all happened to someone else
so you shrug it away

and you haven't really lost something forever

i wanted to write exactly how i was feeling
but my thoughts stayed blank
so my paper was empty

and as my blind rage went on, you came into my thoughts
which is nothing completely crazy because you always ******* do.
but unlike other times, i was confused
how in the hell did you have anything to do with the fact that i couldnt think of anything?
there was no way you were the reason for every  feeling i had.

but as i began to calm down and my senses decided to kick in
and it all made sense.
its always you
you are the feeling itself
the sadness, the heartbreak, the defeat
the anger and even the sliver of happiness i feel from time to time when i think you want me back.
youre the crash and roll waves bring to the calm shore
youre the shaking cat in the backyard who doesnt want anyone but needs them
but then youre every single ******* sunset ive ever seen,
all blurred into one.

when you're sixteen and all you want to do is tear your veins out from your body,
they tell you everything is okay
but they don't tell you what you need to hear.

they don't tell you it's okay to not want to be a person sometimes,
or that you're allowed to cry until you cant breathe anymore,
or that it's okay that you cant get out of bed some days,
or some days all you can do is get out of bed,
or that when you feel your entire heart shattering beneath your fragile skin
it is OKAY to feel yourself shatter with it.

but the only thing they can ever ******* think to say is that it's okay,
but they forget to remind you that despite every single ache you're feeling,
every pain you think you cant handle,
you will be okay too.

i guess thats all i really ever wanted;
for you to be happy
but i didn't think that wanting your happiness meant cutting me out of your life

i still have it
that stupid ticket we got from working at that halloween job together
and it's almost october meaning we'll have to work again
and i wonder if you ever think back to that day...

because you see,
these rainy days we've been having are filling my head with ****** memories of being with you,
and although i've pushed you out for so **** long you've managed to sneak back in with your endless supply of jokes,
"just so you can see me smile" while we facetime or your late night texts about how your feelings for me are still there.  
but it hurts so bad
because no matter what you say,
you're in love,
with a girl who your family adores
and I'm just the girl who fills your days with conversations and gives you comfort once our clocks hit 11:00.

but I'm never the one you'd choose
because i love you
and that'd be too **** easy.