I never loved you

You held my hand, called me baby
almost made me feel and do things
but I never loved you

I never said I loved you too
despite you saying it over and over
you gave me a home, presents.... you.
it didn't make me love you.

But you were mean, didn't fear God, or trust me
cared less for what I wanted or preferred.
so I couldn't love you.

Yet, I feel mean, for not loving you.

I guess I have been tired for a very long time....
maybe it was the first time  I decided....
that I did not want to live anymore.....
or the next....
or the other few times i thought about it
but didn't do anything about it.

I am practically a big ball walking
with all these things weighing me down
and dragging me to accept and go underneath
it kills me yet still....
I am still here, stuck...
caught in the middle and not going anywhere

I would give anything to wake up,
break free.... start over..
clean slate and all..
all these memories and feelings
only remind me of who I am
why I should not be here anymore....
no where feels like home enough for me to want to stay....
isn't it weird that at this age?
I do not crave anywhere and no one I know?

Yet that is it...
I'm a blank canvas
empty....yet too full of white.
it tears me apart every day
not knowing which person I will be when....
I'm scared of being....
I am tired....

I do not know much about 2003
cant remember much
but,
.....I remember me.

Young ,Stranded, Cold, Scared,
Hurt...Broken, Sad......
Lonely.

2003.

Hopeful.... Hopeless ,Then hopeful again.
Expectant.....Trusting.... Willing....
Heart broken.

2012

Lost,..... Dreamer.....Bigger dreamer....
Almost found.

2018.

Still dreaming.....
Still hoping.....
And on some days, .......most days.
Still lost.