i can still feel your touch,
your soft hands grabbed my face and i was quickly intoxicated with your scent.
i can still taste your lips,
the fresh mint that feverishly entered my mouth without hesitation.
i can still hear your laugh,
it roared as you threw your head back in blithe.
i still feel the distance,
the way you shut me out, unconcerned of how it would affect me.

i long to feel your touch

to taste your lips

to hear your laugh

just once more

but now,
you’re just a memory.

n.p.

I lost your name is the ashes left over from a burnt-down life
They say it rains this time of year
No matter how much water soaks into the soil
nothing ever grows anymore
Spare me the lost dog posters and just accept the abandonment
The moon is howling back and I didn't purchase these sheets
I forgot time was glued to my wrist and far to much was wasted before I broke my hand in order to slip out of your cuffs
I've been told I wear a life jacket now
Something to keep me afloat when the world crashes in on me again
But dear, I long to rest at the bottom of the ocean
The silence and darkness seem inviting compared to the war thats been taking place in my head these past few weeks
The half moon was lost in a field that holds paint black nights
and somewhere much further away I placed my heart in order to protect it from my thoughts
Every so often a plane lands with it to remind me that love is the most important thing we can have
There's a flickering light in the distance that I'm missing
My compass only points in one direction and I'm walking with a blindfold on and headphones in playing the same song on repeat
No matter how loud the volume, all I hear is your voice whispering about a home we could build and a book we could share
I long to pause time whenever you're around
I don't think we need anybody else these days
The only reason I wouldn't pause it is because I need the rivers to continue to flow in order to follow a path I have yet to see
There comes a time in everyones life where they have to dance alone in dreams and pretend all the pillows next to them are the body of someone they love
I wear this empty spot tonight knowing the true test of time is held quietly in the notes on her phone and her perfume that I miss

I'm on the final trail
Ever since I awoke
Since my mind turned on
I'm destined for cosmic smoke
There's a distance covered
But it took my whole life
I don't know what's left
But I hope I do it right

It's like a winter storm
That doesn't know how to end
It sweeps up some
And never comes back again
This distance here
Has taken me so long
But before I disappear
I'd like to sing you so-long

Send me whispers
From somewhere beyond my place
Maybe I'll understand
When I finally see your face
There's a distance between us
But it's getting closer now
No matter how long it takes
I've got to get there somehow

theres no grief like another day
with each foot
sunken into the sand-hills of contradictory continents

straddling this divide of time and language
the ocean has been colored red
from our aching hearts
since they hammered these border walls up

i’m crying at my computer waiting for my best friend to answer
i’m crying while i write this letter to my dying grandmother,
under her covers
an ocean away

i’m hoping for a call to me
a distinct answer to which
side of the shore i belong

each time i look at my reflection half of me is gone

pieces

strewn across unforgiving terrain
the stretch of an abyss
only as far as the stitches on my left hand

the six hour time divide, waiting for my sister's awakening
to tell her a dream of us holding hands,
which i won’t recall by
her morning

what is the divide anyway?
except an inherent part of my heart

i carry the world within me-
spilling rivers
crushing waves,
but it still feels so far apart

ill never forget that night.
we were laying in bed,
eyes closed and half asleep,
teetering on the fence between
the world of wake
and the world of dream.

we’d been quiet for awhile now,
understandable in this hour of the night.
the room was lowly lit
by the dim glow of light
cast off computer screens,
and the air was filled
with white static sound
and your soft rhythmic breathing.

eyes closed,
i could swear you were beside me,
half convinced by the hum
of the speakers softly snoring
that i’d roll over to your body,
even though i knew
you were far away from me,
sleeping alone across the sea.
but it was something i could believe,
nearly there,
slipped into sleep.

and suddenly
you split the silence,
waking yourself up,
you called out my name with urgent pace
and i mumbled a reply
as you pulled me awake.

you spoke again,
and the words spilled from your tongue like nectar
and dripped from your lips like honey,
said with such haste
like you couldn’t get the words into the world fast enough,
as though holding it in any longer
would bring down the world burning.

it was then in that night,
one of many moments yet i’d find,
that i knew i was going to love you forever,
and
no matter of land or sea,
of sun, stars, or skies between,
could ever change that,
or keep you away from me.


―  “i love you more than anyone or anything i have ever loved or ever will,” 12:37 am, 10.08.17, what you said to me.

A combination of solo acoustic guitar solo,
and dubstep trap hop electric heavy metal,

never settle,
because I’m never settled,
have always felt more judged than more loved,
ever since I was called black by the Kettle,

cut your nose off,
if it grows like Pinocchio,
no strings on me though,
nope no Gepetto,

no fairytales,
no cartoons no make believe,
just me alone and us together,
in this Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,

and I love you,
whatever that means,
just trying to stay awake long enough,
to make it to another night of dreams,

hold me,
but don’t keep me to close,
see I want to want to want you,
but I’m too high to fly anything except solo,

a combination of solo acoustic guitar solo,
and dubstep trap hop electric heavy metal,

never settle,
because I’m never settled,
have always felt more judged than more loved,
ever since I was called black by the Kettle…

∆ LaLux ∆

Los Angeles, CA.
October 10th, 2018

to the girl
whose golden heart
was never tarnished
despite the afflictions
the world allowed her
to experience somehow;
♡ — i hope your heart stays the same
and will always be aflame
for the things you love doing
because dear, you are amazing.

to the girl
whose illustrious mind
was never obscured
even if she was aching;
♡ — i hope you realize
that you are impressively splendid
more than any could ever poetize
and that your feelings are valid.

to the girl
whose beautiful soul
never stopped blooming
like flowers in the spring
despite the adversities
she has encountered;
♡ — everything you do
is always appreciated;
and your existence
is a tremendous blessing
and adds vibrance
to this somber world.