To exist in the light,
we must be mindful of the dark
and every shade in between.

A close friend of mine who has depression tells me she knows that it can be difficult not knowing.  She says it was why she was afraid, because the happiness she felt was arbitrary and that sooner or later it would be replaced with soul-******* and mind-numbing hopelessness. Too happy, meant that it was a step and crash away from being too sad. Every good feeling had a sour ending.

But I’ve realised that such is the rhythms of life, and the balance that keeps us in check. This is the human condition where compassionate and noble people also experience shame, wounds and discarded pieces no one wants to see. People can hold breathtaking beauty while inexorable darkness runs through their veins.  

Light and dark both hold the innate understanding
that one cannot exist without the other.
It is for the same reasons that we must let ourselves have access
to the full range of our humanness.

every time we kissed,
   I wanted to spit out your tongue.
every time you held my hand,
   I wanted to crush your bones.

I should have
   I should have
      I should have

I should have told you about the way you made me feel so small, everyday.

now you will apologize,
until I forget that I hate you.

But. Oh. My. Love.

I will never forget.

Why are your hands like the ocean?
Pull in, push out.
Come here, go away.

You learned to cry quietly because it's prettier that way. You hate that your cheeks get red- like transparent ghosts found a way to put handprints on porcelain skin. You wipe your tears before they touch your cheeks. Don't give any clues that you're breaking.

Remember the first time your mother told you to not look directly into the sun? You asked why and she just laughed. "You'll burn your eyes, silly girl." You remember this conversation each time she calls you her sunshine.

You were nineteen the day you were told, "you're so soft." It was the twenty-ninth time someone had told you this, but this time those words were coupled with soft eyes instead of a hard-pressed stare. Maybe you could have loved him. But falling in love meant jumping, and there were sharp rocks at the bottom.

You jumped once before. You jumped and swallowed seawater as you watched him standing on the bank scrubbing your poetry off of his hands. You remember water setting fire to the air inside your lungs as you realized that no matter how hard you screamed for him to just love you again, he'd only whisper, "you're just too broken."

You remember two months later- the first time hearing the pop of an orange pill bottle lid thinking that maybe you should write the time- like you're calling the last time you'd really be you. It was a "first kiss, first dance, missed call, last chance, yes, no, maybe-so" kind of night. The kind of night that puts your soul on a sinking boat in the middle of the ocean. There's no coming back from that kind of lonely.

"Be good." She told you. You remember this when you go to type "food" in a text and your phone corrects it to "good". Your ribs drop off into an empty abyss. There is no fulfillment to the kind of starvation your hands feel when you reach out to hands that will never love you back.

Those bones hold you enough for you to sit upright in a hospital waiting room. Spine straight and lungs held in a panic. This happens every time they put cold hands on the parts of you that no longer work. New mothers tell you that children are a blessing- that they'll change your life for the better. Hollow eyes meet the baby blues of another and your hands grow heavy with longing as you realize that your junk really is just junk and you'll never hold tiny hands.

You wonder why you miss someone from years ago. You wonder why it is that you cannot remember what their voice sounds like but you can remember what it smelled like outside the day you two met. The last time you picked up a phone, your hands knew to dial their number. But you haven't called in ages now. You quietly realize that you only miss certain people when your body becomes medicine cabinet.

You now know that you have hands like the ocean because people may love you, but no one wants to stay on the beach after the sun sets.

You remember turning the mirror around and telling you mother the sun didn't shine that day.

let them carry
the heavy heart
two golden hands
moving with stardust
and up it goes
into the universe
peaceful there
no need
for anything
you can just lie down
and rest
for as long as you want
the pain will disappear
will be alright
when the heart is with
planets and starlight

restless nights of senseless intuition
wandering trails of useless fruition
binding branches, choke me
but it feels good not to breathe
somehow
it seems I've gotten used to
the useless tugging on frayed vines,
the ache and sorrow as I try to climb
the desolated mountain side.

it's better to feel sad then nothing at all,
it's better to try to climb then to let oneself fall.

put on your mask, you're okay.
you're fine tonight.
you don't need anyone to hold you through the
dark nights.
just keep grasping through your days,
you're alright
I'm alright
I'm okay
*I'm not okay