You are loved. I know life feels difficult right now and it's like you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, struggling to breathe, but you are doing a **** good job at staying afloat. Despite your grief and sadness, you are giving life all you have and that's important to note. While this may not seem like the best you can do, I think it's the best you can do for right now. Give yourself credit for that. Yes, it's vital to give an effort to life and the people you're around but please don't forget to put forth an effort for yourself. Loving and caring for yourself has always been a tough task for you since your big heart's natural instinct is to pour love into others. You're so kind and loving, I know, but you absolutely deserve your kindness and love, more than anyone else.
You're so ******* yourself. It may seem like you're not going anywhere or only moving backwards but I swear you're making progress. Those small victories, no matter how tiny they seem, are something to be celebrated. I'm so proud of you--you've grown so much through all of this and even on the hardest days, you don't let your sadness define you or your worth. You are so much more than your sadness and I hope you'll take note of all the beautiful things there is about you. It may be hard to imagine right now but there will be a time when you don't feel so hopeless. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even in the tunnels with the most severe darkness and monster-like things waiting to terrify you.
Don't let your feelings swallow you whole. You are so strong. In a field of sunflowers, you are the tallest one that ever grew, with a sturdy stem and bright petals. i want you to remember this when you feel yourself falling down, unable to find the strength to stand tall. One day, you will be able to look back on all of this and feel satisfied because you didn't give up on yourself. There are days when you feel like existing is simply too much and you want to hide--that's okay. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you can't figure out how to deal. No one has all of the answers. I have faith you will find your way and take care of yourself.
This wouldn't have been thrown your way if you couldn't handle it. Constantly remind yourself of that. You will go through this and grow through it and bloom in ways you never even imagined. Sadness will seem like a foreign concept to you and you'll feel the warmest of rays of happiness. I'm telling you, you deserve it all. You deserve the world. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Even in your worst times and when you feel like you've ******* up real bad, you are deserving of good things. You have to remember you're a work in progress and not a finished master piece. Be gentle. Be warm. Be compassionate. It'll make your journey feel a little lighter and a little smoother. It's okay to be sad but don't let this be the only thing you ever feel. Seek out things that make you happy in each day, even on the days that feel a bit hellish. Happy things are all over, you just have to be willing to look for them. You can do this. You can get through this. I believe in you and so do many other people.